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  1. #501
    or TizYou?
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    Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing.
    He asked his wife Mary if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge. Mary agreed to go.

    While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet.
    When the manager was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that faucet?"
    The manager replied, "That's a gold plated faucet and the price is $500.00."
    Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that is a very expensive faucet. It's certainly out of my price bracket."
    She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy.
    The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.
    From the storeroom the manager yelled, "Ma'am, do you wanna screw for the hinge?"
    Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back, "No, but I will for the faucet."

  2. #502
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    He slid into bed, kissed his wife on the cheek and fell into a deep sleep...
    He awoke before the Pearly Gates...
    St Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Ralph"...
    Ralph was stunned, "I'm dead...? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back"...
    St Peter said, "Hmm, perhaps that could be arranged. It does involves a lot of paperwork but sure. You've got two alternatives, you can come back as a fish or as a hen"...
    Ralph never liked swimming, and thought that perhaps being a hen wouldn't be that bad after all. Walking around pecking at the ground, no stress, and if the local rooster was nice then perhaps it could be a comfortable existence...
    Ralph replied, "Okay, then I choose to be a hen"...
    The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground...
    A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, eh...? How's your first day here"...?
    "Not bad" replied Ralph the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode"...
    "You're ovulating" explained the rooster...
    "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before"...?
    "Never" said Ralph...
    "Well, just cluck twice and then push"...
    Ralph clucked twice and pushed, and voila, out popped an egg...
    Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood for the first time. He then clucked twice, pushed, and out came another egg. His joy was overwhelming...
    As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout, "Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're shitting the bed"...

  3. #503
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    A priest and a rabbi are seated together on a plane. After a while, the priest turns to the rabbi and asks,

    "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
    The rabbi says, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."
    The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replies, "

    Yes, on one occasion, I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."
    The priest nods in understanding and goes on with his reading.

    A while later, the rabbi asks the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
    The priest replies, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
    The rabbi then asks, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptation of the flesh?"
    The priest says, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."
    The rabbi nods understandingly. He is silent for about five minutes, and then says,
    "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

  4. #504
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    too long for quick jokes....-fclam4ywiaes8hj-jpeg
    Attached Thumbnails Attached Thumbnails too long for quick jokes....-fclam4ywiaes8hj-jpeg  

  5. #505
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    Arizona bikers were riding South on the US-93 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Hoover Dam Bridge. So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

    She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

    While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

    So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

    After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper.

    "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

    "My parents don't like me dressing like a girl."

    No one knows whether he/she jumped or was pushed??

  6. #506
    Thailand Expat
    happynz's Avatar
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    An engineer dies and is sent to Hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil:

    What's up?

    The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer."

    "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately.

    "The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him."

    God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!"

    The Devil laughs. "Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
    Pues, aquí estamos.

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