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  1. #476
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    At a wine merchant, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
    A drunkard, with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position.
    The director of the winery wondered how to send him away.
    He gave him a glass to drink.
    The drunk tried it and said:
    "It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable”.
    "That's correct”, said the boss.
    Another glass:
    "It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results”.
    "Correct”.
    A third glass:
    ''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive”, calmly said the drunk.
    The director was astonished.
    He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine.
    The alcoholic tried it.
    "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and - if I don't get the job - I'll name the father”

  2. #477
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    Three women die together in an accident and go to Heaven. When they get there, St Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven, don’t step on the ducks!”

    They enter Heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck. Although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

    Well, along comes St Peter with the most unattractive man she’s ever seen. St Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!”

    The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely unattractive man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

    The third woman has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks.

    Then one day St Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. He was tall, had long eyelashes and was quite muscular. St Peter chains them together without saying a word.

    The happy woman says, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”

    The man turns to her and says, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”

  3. #478
    I'm in Jail

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    An Aussie sheila ?

  4. #479
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    A young nun went to inform the Mother Superior that she was pregnant.

    Mother Superior was furious. She said how did this happen?

    The young nun said Reverend Mother It was Father O'Malley from the catholic church up the road, and he lifted his cassock and showed me this thing which looked like a baby's arm holding a plum, and said it was Saint Peter, then he lifted my habit and pointed at my lady thing that looks like a cockerell's chin, and told me that it was the Gates of Heaven, and that Saint Peter needed to come into the gates of heaven to make me a good Christian. And I believed him..

    Reverend Mother was furious.

    She said the lousy rotten bastard!.. He told me it was the Archangel Gabriel's horn and I have been blowing it every Sunday for 20 years!

  5. #480
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    A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.

    It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realised she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.

    Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!'

    The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.. The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought.'

  6. #481
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    Three Aussie guys, Shane, Ricky and Jeff, were working on a high-rise building project in Wagga Wagga. Unfortunately, Shane falls off the scaffolding and is killed instantly.

    As the ambulance takes the body away, Ricky says, 'Someone should go and tell his wife.' Jeff says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

    Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters. Ricky says, 'Where did you get that, Jeff?'

    'Shane's wife gave it to me.' Ricky continues, 'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?'

    'Well not exactly,' Jeff said. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Shane's widow".' She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.' And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are.'

  7. #482
    I'm in Jail

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    Reminds me of this one :


    A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.
    Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news".

    "Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first." The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."

    The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

    The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crayfish and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share." He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it. "Geez, thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... so what's the other possible good news?" "Well", the Sarge says, "if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!"

  8. #483
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    ^ and ^^

  9. #484
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    A young woman started work in the small English village chemist shop. She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.

    The Chemist was going on holiday for a couple of days, and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.
    She had to confide in him her worries about selling condoms.

    "Look" said the Chemist. "My regular customers don't ask for condoms; they ask for either:- a No 310 (small); or a No 320 (medium) or a No 330 (large). The word condom is never mentioned"

    The first day was fine, but on the second day a large black guy came into the shop, put out his hand and said "350" please.
    The girl panicked.

    She phoned the Chemist on his mobile and told him of her predicament.

    "Look. Go back in and see if he has a bucket hanging between his legs," said the Chemist.

    She peeped through the door, and saw the bucket hanging between the guy's legs.
    "Yes!" she shouted down the phone. "He's got one hanging there!"

    The boss replied, "Well, go back in there and give him £3.50 ... He's the window cleaner!"

  10. #485
    Thailand Expat harrybarracuda's Avatar
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    My grandfather told me "All you kids do these days is play video games. When I was your age", he continued, "my buddies and I went to Paris. We went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, pissed on the bartender and didn't pay for my drinks all night!"

    The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the Moulin Rouge with his friends. He comes back only three days later covered in bruises, and with a broken arm.

    The grandfather asks, "What the hell happened to you?"

    The grandson says, "I did just like you did. I went to the Moulin Rouge; I tried to fuck a dancer on stage and piss on the bartender -- but they beat the shit out of me and stole all the cash in my wallet!"

    The grandfather says, "Well who the hell did you go with, boy?"

    The grandson says through tears, "My friends from school, who did you go with?"

    The grandfather says, "Well... the 7th Panzer Division."
    Warning: Be cautious if you are a fragile pink

  11. #486
    Thailand Expat harrybarracuda's Avatar
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    Olaf the Viking is shopping at a supermarket when he comes across an old lady in a wheelchair, almost in tears.
    "What's the matter?" asks Olaf.
    "Oh," sobs the old lady. "I want to have a look at the frozen puddings but, as you can see, there are three steps down into the chiller cabinets."
    "No problem," says Olaf, lifting her onto his back. "I'll take you."
    Olaf strolls through the chiller cabinets with the old lady on his back. She selects several puddings and puts them in the basket he is carrying for her.
    At the other end the old lady's husband is waiting with her wheelchair.
    "I'd really like to thank you," says the old lady as Olaf sets her back down in the chair, "but I don't even know who you are!"
    Olaf just waves and walks off.
    "I was really worried about you," comments the old lady's husband. "What have you been doing?"
    " I've been through the desserts on a Norse with no name."

  12. #487
    Thailand Expat Saint Willy's Avatar
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    *groan*

  13. #488
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    a funny and joan collins joke

  14. #489
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    A Blonde Lady failed the written Driving Test 4 times.
    At the Fifth attempt, she was determined to pass:
    But the test had the same question. "You are driving at 100 mph. On your right is a wall, on your left is a cliff. On the road you see an Old Man and a Young Man. What will you hit?
    The Woman walked up to the Examiner and said. "I've answered this question all four ways, Wall, Cliff's, Old Man and Young Man, yet I failed all Four times. How is this possible?
    What am I supposed to hit?"

    The Examiner replied. "The Brakes!"

  15. #490
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    A good-looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.



    The agent asked, "What's your name?



    The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."



    The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."



    "I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old. I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever!"



    The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years and you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."



    "So be it! I guess we will not do business together," the guy said, and he left the agent's office.



    FIVE YEARS LATER ... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck. ...... who would possibly send him $50,000?

    He reads the letter enclosed.



    Dear Sir:

    Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, You told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian.



    After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.



    Thank you for your advice.



    Sincerely,

    Dick van Dyke

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