Page 20 of 21 FirstFirst ... 1012131415161718192021 LastLast
Results 476 to 500 of 504
  1. #476
    Member
    nora tittoff's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Last Online
    Today @ 11:11 AM
    Posts
    382
    At a wine merchant, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
    A drunkard, with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position.
    The director of the winery wondered how to send him away.
    He gave him a glass to drink.
    The drunk tried it and said:
    "It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable”.
    "That's correct”, said the boss.
    Another glass:
    "It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results”.
    "Correct”.
    A third glass:
    ''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive”, calmly said the drunk.
    The director was astonished.
    He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine.
    The alcoholic tried it.
    "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and - if I don't get the job - I'll name the father”

  2. #477
    Member
    nora tittoff's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Last Online
    Today @ 11:11 AM
    Posts
    382
    Three women die together in an accident and go to Heaven. When they get there, St Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven, don’t step on the ducks!”

    They enter Heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck. Although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

    Well, along comes St Peter with the most unattractive man she’s ever seen. St Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!”

    The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely unattractive man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

    The third woman has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks.

    Then one day St Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. He was tall, had long eyelashes and was quite muscular. St Peter chains them together without saying a word.

    The happy woman says, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”

    The man turns to her and says, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”

  3. #478
    I'm in Jail

    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Last Online
    Today @ 05:35 PM
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    13,990


    An Aussie sheila ?

  4. #479
    Thailand Expat
    PAG's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2010
    Last Online
    11-09-2022 @ 10:05 PM
    Location
    Chalong, Phuket
    Posts
    4,243
    A young nun went to inform the Mother Superior that she was pregnant.

    Mother Superior was furious. She said how did this happen?

    The young nun said Reverend Mother It was Father O'Malley from the catholic church up the road, and he lifted his cassock and showed me this thing which looked like a baby's arm holding a plum, and said it was Saint Peter, then he lifted my habit and pointed at my lady thing that looks like a cockerell's chin, and told me that it was the Gates of Heaven, and that Saint Peter needed to come into the gates of heaven to make me a good Christian. And I believed him..

    Reverend Mother was furious.

    She said the lousy rotten bastard!.. He told me it was the Archangel Gabriel's horn and I have been blowing it every Sunday for 20 years!

  5. #480
    Thailand Expat
    PAG's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2010
    Last Online
    11-09-2022 @ 10:05 PM
    Location
    Chalong, Phuket
    Posts
    4,243
    A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.

    It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realised she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.

    Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!'

    The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.. The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought.'

  6. #481
    Thailand Expat
    PAG's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2010
    Last Online
    11-09-2022 @ 10:05 PM
    Location
    Chalong, Phuket
    Posts
    4,243
    Three Aussie guys, Shane, Ricky and Jeff, were working on a high-rise building project in Wagga Wagga. Unfortunately, Shane falls off the scaffolding and is killed instantly.

    As the ambulance takes the body away, Ricky says, 'Someone should go and tell his wife.' Jeff says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

    Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters. Ricky says, 'Where did you get that, Jeff?'

    'Shane's wife gave it to me.' Ricky continues, 'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?'

    'Well not exactly,' Jeff said. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Shane's widow".' She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.' And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are.'

  7. #482
    I'm in Jail

    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Last Online
    Today @ 05:35 PM
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    13,990
    Reminds me of this one :


    A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.
    Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news".

    "Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first." The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."

    The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

    The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crayfish and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share." He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it. "Geez, thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... so what's the other possible good news?" "Well", the Sarge says, "if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!"

  8. #483
    En route
    Cujo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Last Online
    Yesterday @ 10:03 PM
    Location
    Reality.
    Posts
    32,962
    ^ and ^^

  9. #484
    Thailand Expat
    PAG's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2010
    Last Online
    11-09-2022 @ 10:05 PM
    Location
    Chalong, Phuket
    Posts
    4,243
    A young woman started work in the small English village chemist shop. She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.

    The Chemist was going on holiday for a couple of days, and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.
    She had to confide in him her worries about selling condoms.

    "Look" said the Chemist. "My regular customers don't ask for condoms; they ask for either:- a No 310 (small); or a No 320 (medium) or a No 330 (large). The word condom is never mentioned"

    The first day was fine, but on the second day a large black guy came into the shop, put out his hand and said "350" please.
    The girl panicked.

    She phoned the Chemist on his mobile and told him of her predicament.

    "Look. Go back in and see if he has a bucket hanging between his legs," said the Chemist.

    She peeped through the door, and saw the bucket hanging between the guy's legs.
    "Yes!" she shouted down the phone. "He's got one hanging there!"

    The boss replied, "Well, go back in there and give him £3.50 ... He's the window cleaner!"

  10. #485
    Thailand Expat harrybarracuda's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Last Online
    @
    Posts
    87,776
    My grandfather told me "All you kids do these days is play video games. When I was your age", he continued, "my buddies and I went to Paris. We went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, pissed on the bartender and didn't pay for my drinks all night!"

    The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the Moulin Rouge with his friends. He comes back only three days later covered in bruises, and with a broken arm.

    The grandfather asks, "What the hell happened to you?"

    The grandson says, "I did just like you did. I went to the Moulin Rouge; I tried to fuck a dancer on stage and piss on the bartender -- but they beat the shit out of me and stole all the cash in my wallet!"

    The grandfather says, "Well who the hell did you go with, boy?"

    The grandson says through tears, "My friends from school, who did you go with?"

    The grandfather says, "Well... the 7th Panzer Division."
    Warning: Be cautious if you are a fragile pink

  11. #486
    Thailand Expat harrybarracuda's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Last Online
    @
    Posts
    87,776
    Olaf the Viking is shopping at a supermarket when he comes across an old lady in a wheelchair, almost in tears.
    "What's the matter?" asks Olaf.
    "Oh," sobs the old lady. "I want to have a look at the frozen puddings but, as you can see, there are three steps down into the chiller cabinets."
    "No problem," says Olaf, lifting her onto his back. "I'll take you."
    Olaf strolls through the chiller cabinets with the old lady on his back. She selects several puddings and puts them in the basket he is carrying for her.
    At the other end the old lady's husband is waiting with her wheelchair.
    "I'd really like to thank you," says the old lady as Olaf sets her back down in the chair, "but I don't even know who you are!"
    Olaf just waves and walks off.
    "I was really worried about you," comments the old lady's husband. "What have you been doing?"
    " I've been through the desserts on a Norse with no name."

  12. #487
    Thailand Expat Saint Willy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2019
    Last Online
    30-04-2022 @ 02:44 AM
    Posts
    11,214
    *groan*

  13. #488
    Thailand Expat
    Ukan Kizmiaz's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Last Online
    Today @ 07:15 PM
    Posts
    1,220
    a funny and joan collins joke

  14. #489
    Member
    nora tittoff's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Last Online
    Today @ 11:11 AM
    Posts
    382
    A Blonde Lady failed the written Driving Test 4 times.
    At the Fifth attempt, she was determined to pass:
    But the test had the same question. "You are driving at 100 mph. On your right is a wall, on your left is a cliff. On the road you see an Old Man and a Young Man. What will you hit?
    The Woman walked up to the Examiner and said. "I've answered this question all four ways, Wall, Cliff's, Old Man and Young Man, yet I failed all Four times. How is this possible?
    What am I supposed to hit?"

    The Examiner replied. "The Brakes!"

  15. #490
    Member
    nora tittoff's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Last Online
    Today @ 11:11 AM
    Posts
    382
    A good-looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.



    The agent asked, "What's your name?



    The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."



    The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."



    "I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old. I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever!"



    The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years and you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."



    "So be it! I guess we will not do business together," the guy said, and he left the agent's office.



    FIVE YEARS LATER ... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck. ...... who would possibly send him $50,000?

    He reads the letter enclosed.



    Dear Sir:

    Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, You told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian.



    After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.



    Thank you for your advice.



    Sincerely,

    Dick van Dyke

  16. #491
    Thailand Expat harrybarracuda's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Last Online
    @
    Posts
    87,776
    President Putin and his driver were on their way to Kyiv in a car when all of a sudden they hit a pig near a farmhouse, killing it instantly.
    Putin told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Putin sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of Horilka (Ukrainian vodka) in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.
    "What happened to you?" asked Putin.
    "Well, the farmer gave me the Horilka, his wife gave me a box of cigars and their 19-year-old and 21-year-old daughters made mad passionate love to me simultaneously.
    "My God, what did you tell them?" asks Putin.
    The driver replies, "I'm president Putin’s driver, and I just killed the pig."

  17. #492
    Member
    nora tittoff's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Last Online
    Today @ 11:11 AM
    Posts
    382
    Got chatting to a real stunner of a girl in the pub. We discussed the Ukraine situation and what Putin might do if Europe intervened.

    I said he would probably nuke us and we'd only have 20 minutes warning.

    She asked me what I would do if that happened.

    I answered, "Shag the arse off of anything that moved. What about you?"

    She replied, "Stand very, very, still"

  18. #493
    Member
    nora tittoff's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Last Online
    Today @ 11:11 AM
    Posts
    382
    A husband and wife are celebrating their 50th anniversary. That night the wife approaches her husband wearing the exact same sexy little negligee she wore on their wedding night.
    She looks at her husband and says, “Honey,do you remember this?”
    He looks up at her and says, “Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married.”
    She says, “Yes, that’s right. Do you remember what you said to me that night.”
    He nods and says, “Yes dear, I still remember.”
    “Well, what was it?” she asks.
    He responds, “Well honey, as I remember, I said, “Ohhhhhhhhh Baby, I’m going to suck the life out of those big tits and screw your brains out.”
    She giggles and says, “Yes honey, that’s it. That’s exactly what you said.
    So, now it’s 50 years later, I’m in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?”
    Again he looks up at her and looks her up and down and replies,
    “Mission Accomplished.”

  19. #494
    SANS SOUCI
    david44's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2011
    Last Online
    @
    Location
    Exlax Getting Britain Moving
    Posts
    16,472
    Is a limp busman , a semi conductor though?

  20. #495
    Thailand Expat
    happynz's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Last Online
    Today @ 05:49 PM
    Location
    inner suburb
    Posts
    10,921
    Old joke: great big lumberjack type marries a petite woman; on their wedding night he takes off his jeans and tells her to put them on. Of course they're too big; she practically fits into one leg. He says "That's to remind you who wears the pants in this family!"

    Without a word, she takes off her jeans and hands them to him; he can barely get one foot into them. He says "Baby, I can't even get _into_ your pants! She responds: "And that's the way it's gonna stay until you change your attitude!"
    Pues, aquí estamos.

  21. #496
    Thailand Expat
    PAG's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2010
    Last Online
    11-09-2022 @ 10:05 PM
    Location
    Chalong, Phuket
    Posts
    4,243
    I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend this morning who called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.

    We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.
    I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".

    "Wow!" I was flabbergasted.

    "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."

    She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".

    "Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone... everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"

    She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

    She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

    Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a good few pounds myself!"

    So I told her to fuck off.

  22. #497
    Thailand Expat tomcat's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Last Online
    @
    Posts
    16,619
    ...an old joke about Russian-made goods:

    What won't fit in your ass and won't buzz?



















































    ...a Soviet-made ass buzzer...

  23. #498
    Member
    nora tittoff's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Last Online
    Today @ 11:11 AM
    Posts
    382
    For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is
    $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.'


    The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'


    Little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to
    wait because she was coming too.

    And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike!

  24. #499
    Thailand Expat
    PAG's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2010
    Last Online
    11-09-2022 @ 10:05 PM
    Location
    Chalong, Phuket
    Posts
    4,243
    First off, thank you everyone for your concern. I'm ok, just a little shaken up, but l'll be ok. For those of you who don't know what happened, I was robbed today at the petrol station. I gathered myself together, my hands were still shaking, I was dizzy, and I honestly think I was in shock. My money was gone. I called the police, they were fantastic and called for medical assistance as my blood pressure was through the roof. The police asked me if I knew who did it, and I told them "Yes, it was pump number 2.”

  25. #500
    Member
    nora tittoff's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Last Online
    Today @ 11:11 AM
    Posts
    382
    Paddy and Mick are working at the local sawmill.
    One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.

    Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising".
    Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

    A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw.
    So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital.

    Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising".
    And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.

    But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.
    Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.

    Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead."
    Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."
    "No", says the nurse, "Some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.

Page 20 of 21 FirstFirst ... 1012131415161718192021 LastLast

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •