Page 19 of 19 FirstFirst ... 9111213141516171819
Results 451 to 467 of 467
  1. #451
    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Last Online
    @
    Posts
    12,009
    A pissed off wife is complaining about her husband spending all of his free time at the pub.

    So, one night he took her along. What'll you have?" he asked.

    "Oh I don't know, same as you I suppose."

    So he ordered two beers, and threw his down in a couple of gulps.

    His wife watched him, then took a sip and immediately spat it out.

    "Yuk, that's terrible; I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

    "Well, there you go, and you think I'm out every night enjoying myself?"

  2. #452
    Member
    nora tittoff's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Last Online
    Today @ 09:26 AM
    Posts
    358
    A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced eleven husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

    "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married eleven times?"

    Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

    Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

    Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

    Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

    Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

    Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

    Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

    Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

    Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

    Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him!

    Husband #11 was a telecom site acquisition; he said that as there was a lot of clutter around the mound he wasn't sure that he could make a link. He then said that my breasts were another option but that he would need a cherry picker to do the job properly!

    "But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
    "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"'
    'You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm really gonna get screwed!"

  3. #453
    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Last Online
    @
    Posts
    12,009

  4. #454
    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Last Online
    @
    Posts
    12,009
    Not quite a joke, but gives pause for thought in light of the shambles we call an economy.

    An old Native American wanted a loan for $500.
    The banker pulled out the loan application.
    "What are you going to do with the money?" he asks.
    "Buy silver, make jewelry, and sell to white man."
    "What have you got for collateral?"
    "Don't know collateral," replied the old man.
    "Well, that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan, in case you cannot repay it. Do you have any vehicles?"
    "Yes. 1949 Chevy pickup," replied the native.
    The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"
    "Yes, I have horse," replied the man.
    "How old is it?" the banker asks.
    "Don't know, have no teeth."
    After humming and haaing, the banker finally decides to make the $500 loan.
    Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. "Here to pay," he said, pulling out one of several bundles of notes from his bag, and handing it to the banker to pay his loan.
    "What are you going to do with the rest of that money?" the banker asks.
    "Take home", replied the native.
    "Why don't you deposit it in my bank," the banker asked.
    "Don't know deposit," replied the man.
    "You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. Whenever you want to use it, you can withdraw it."
    The old man leaned across the desk and asks the banker, "What you got for collateral?"

  5. #455
    Member
    nora tittoff's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Last Online
    Today @ 09:26 AM
    Posts
    358
    too long for quick jokes....-46916-jpg

  6. #456
    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Last Online
    @
    Posts
    12,009
    The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

    As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. They were thinking, 'That poor old couple all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.' As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man politely declined, saying they were just fine, and were used to sharing everything.

    People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing.'

    Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

    She answered: 'The teeth"

  7. #457
    Thailand Expat harrybarracuda's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Last Online
    @
    Posts
    76,037
    Two old Yorkshiremen, Ted and Frank, have been mates for as long as either can remember.
    They are now both in their nineties and throughout their friendship they have shared a love of
    cricket, both as players in their youth and now as devoted spectators. One day while they are
    sitting at Headingley watching a county game, Ted turns to Frank and says, “You know Frank, me
    and thee have been friends for more than eighty years and we’ve enjoyed our cricket all that time.”
    “Aye,” replies Frank.
    “Well,” Ted continues, “we’ve both had a decent innings and are now getting towards the point
    where we’ve got to carry our bat for the last dignified walk back to the pavilion.”
    “Aye,” replies Frank.
    “Do you think they have cricket in Heaven?” asks Ted.
    Frank says: “I don’t know, lad. But if one of us takes the walk to the pavilion before the other,
    let’s promise that if it’s at all possible, we will come back and let the other know.”
    “Sounds good to me,” says Frank.
    A couple of months later Ted gets ill and unfortunately a few days later takes the long walk back
    to the pavilion. About a week after Ted dies, Frank is asleep in bed and is woken by a voice he
    recognizes as his old deceased mate.
    Franks says: “Ted, is it thee?”
    “Aye,” says Ted. “We agreed that the first one would come back and let the other know if there
    was cricket in Heaven.”
    Frank answers, “Aye.”
    “Well,” says Ted, “there is some good news and some bad news, which would you like first?”
    Frank considers his options for a moment. “I’ll have the good news first, please.”
    So Ted starts with the good news. “There is test match cricket in Heaven and the weather is
    always a warm summer afternoon. All of our old friends are here and you have the strength and
    vitality of your youth so that you can bat and bowl all day without getting tried. And Frank, the
    afternoon teas are to die for.”
    “That’s great,” says Frank, “but, what’s the bad news then?”
    Ted replies: “You’re opening the batting for us next Monday.”

  8. #458
    fully fledged Mutt-packer TheRealKW's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2019
    Last Online
    Today @ 08:10 PM
    Posts
    8,064
    Ha ha.

  9. #459
    Member
    nora tittoff's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Last Online
    Today @ 09:26 AM
    Posts
    358
    Two Aussies on holiday are driving on a remote dirt road. On the side of the road, and old blackfella elder was sitting cross legged, his flowing white beard giving some clue to his age and experience. Out of curiosity, they stop to talk to him.
    "We've heard that your people have amazing eyesight. Can you tell us what that cloud of dust is off in the distance?"
    The old fella squints, shields his eyes and says "'58 FC Holden ute. Two people in the front, two people, two dogs and a slab of beer in the back."
    "That's incredible! You can see all that from here?"
    "Nah I fell off the bastard five minutes ago!

  10. #460
    Your local I.Q. Monitor
    Hugh Cow's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2015
    Last Online
    Today @ 02:14 PM
    Location
    Qld/Bangkok
    Posts
    3,078
    A man sits down next to a rather large woman at a bus stop. He asks the woman, "what time is it due?" The woman angrily replies, "How dare you assume I am pregnant just because I have a fuller figure you are an extremely rude man. The man says," You have totally misunderstood me. I was actually referring to what time the bus would arrive you fat bitch.

  11. #461
    Thailand Expat
    reddog's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2013
    Last Online
    Today @ 02:10 PM
    Posts
    1,303
    Had some minor surgery this morning and the doctor said
    "Don't eat anything fatty"
    I replied ""So no chips or pizza?"
    He replied " No,i mean don't eat anything fatty"

  12. #462
    Thailand Expat VocalNeal's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Last Online
    Today @ 03:50 PM
    Location
    The Kingdom of Lanna
    Posts
    12,038
    ^ Garry Delaney

  13. #463
    Thailand Expat
    PAG's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2010
    Last Online
    Today @ 09:17 PM
    Location
    Chalong, Phuket
    Posts
    3,083
    John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!"

    That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

    He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."

    She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

    John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

    "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John! Mary said.

    The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

    She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".


  14. #464
    fully fledged Mutt-packer TheRealKW's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2019
    Last Online
    Today @ 08:10 PM
    Posts
    8,064
    too long for quick jokes....-8aeefa52-5735-4590-b7ce-5eedfd7104c1-jpeg

  15. #465
    Thailand Expat harrybarracuda's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Last Online
    @
    Posts
    76,037
    They took place on a skyscraper in Moscow. Putin and Kim sat on table facing each other, while a bodyguard stood behind them each.
    Putin and Kim argued about whose bodyguard is more loyal. To show his loyalty, Putin ordered his bodyguard to jump out of window. His bodyguard was surprised and bewildered; after some hesitation he knelt his knee over his president and cried: "Please spare me, my prezident. I have wife and children." Putin felt sorry; he patted his shoulder and told him it was just a joke.
    Watching them, Kim snorted and ordered his bodyguard to jump out of window. His bodyguard was surprised and bewildered, but soon he shouted and ran to the window. Putin was surprised; he ran and grabbed that bodyguard; yelling "Are you crazy? We're at skyscraper!" The bodyguard yelled, with fear in his eyes.
    "Get off me! I have wife and children!"

  16. #466
    Member

    Join Date
    Oct 2020
    Last Online
    Today @ 04:11 PM
    Posts
    68
    Too sophisticated for us!!

  17. #467
    fully fledged Mutt-packer TheRealKW's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2019
    Last Online
    Today @ 08:10 PM
    Posts
    8,064
    The Proper Way to Call a Golfer a Bastard…..


    A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.


    They were even after the first two holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"


    The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.


    The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He then confessed that he was the pro at the neighbouring course and liked to pick on suckers.


    The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.
    The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.
    The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."


    The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"


    The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation of $80. And, if you want to, bring your Mother and Father along, I'll marry them."

Page 19 of 19 FirstFirst ... 9111213141516171819

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •