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  1. #451
    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
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    A pissed off wife is complaining about her husband spending all of his free time at the pub.

    So, one night he took her along. What'll you have?" he asked.

    "Oh I don't know, same as you I suppose."

    So he ordered two beers, and threw his down in a couple of gulps.

    His wife watched him, then took a sip and immediately spat it out.

    "Yuk, that's terrible; I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

    "Well, there you go, and you think I'm out every night enjoying myself?"

  2. #452
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    A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced eleven husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

    "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married eleven times?"

    Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

    Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

    Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

    Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

    Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

    Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

    Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

    Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

    Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

    Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him!

    Husband #11 was a telecom site acquisition; he said that as there was a lot of clutter around the mound he wasn't sure that he could make a link. He then said that my breasts were another option but that he would need a cherry picker to do the job properly!

    "But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
    "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"'
    'You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm really gonna get screwed!"

  3. #453
    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
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  4. #454
    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
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    Not quite a joke, but gives pause for thought in light of the shambles we call an economy.

    An old Native American wanted a loan for $500.
    The banker pulled out the loan application.
    "What are you going to do with the money?" he asks.
    "Buy silver, make jewelry, and sell to white man."
    "What have you got for collateral?"
    "Don't know collateral," replied the old man.
    "Well, that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan, in case you cannot repay it. Do you have any vehicles?"
    "Yes. 1949 Chevy pickup," replied the native.
    The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"
    "Yes, I have horse," replied the man.
    "How old is it?" the banker asks.
    "Don't know, have no teeth."
    After humming and haaing, the banker finally decides to make the $500 loan.
    Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. "Here to pay," he said, pulling out one of several bundles of notes from his bag, and handing it to the banker to pay his loan.
    "What are you going to do with the rest of that money?" the banker asks.
    "Take home", replied the native.
    "Why don't you deposit it in my bank," the banker asked.
    "Don't know deposit," replied the man.
    "You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. Whenever you want to use it, you can withdraw it."
    The old man leaned across the desk and asks the banker, "What you got for collateral?"

  5. #455
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    too long for quick jokes....-46916-jpg

  6. #456
    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
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    The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

    As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. They were thinking, 'That poor old couple all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.' As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man politely declined, saying they were just fine, and were used to sharing everything.

    People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing.'

    Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

    She answered: 'The teeth"

  7. #457
    Thailand Expat harrybarracuda's Avatar
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    Two old Yorkshiremen, Ted and Frank, have been mates for as long as either can remember.
    They are now both in their nineties and throughout their friendship they have shared a love of
    cricket, both as players in their youth and now as devoted spectators. One day while they are
    sitting at Headingley watching a county game, Ted turns to Frank and says, “You know Frank, me
    and thee have been friends for more than eighty years and we’ve enjoyed our cricket all that time.”
    “Aye,” replies Frank.
    “Well,” Ted continues, “we’ve both had a decent innings and are now getting towards the point
    where we’ve got to carry our bat for the last dignified walk back to the pavilion.”
    “Aye,” replies Frank.
    “Do you think they have cricket in Heaven?” asks Ted.
    Frank says: “I don’t know, lad. But if one of us takes the walk to the pavilion before the other,
    let’s promise that if it’s at all possible, we will come back and let the other know.”
    “Sounds good to me,” says Frank.
    A couple of months later Ted gets ill and unfortunately a few days later takes the long walk back
    to the pavilion. About a week after Ted dies, Frank is asleep in bed and is woken by a voice he
    recognizes as his old deceased mate.
    Franks says: “Ted, is it thee?”
    “Aye,” says Ted. “We agreed that the first one would come back and let the other know if there
    was cricket in Heaven.”
    Frank answers, “Aye.”
    “Well,” says Ted, “there is some good news and some bad news, which would you like first?”
    Frank considers his options for a moment. “I’ll have the good news first, please.”
    So Ted starts with the good news. “There is test match cricket in Heaven and the weather is
    always a warm summer afternoon. All of our old friends are here and you have the strength and
    vitality of your youth so that you can bat and bowl all day without getting tried. And Frank, the
    afternoon teas are to die for.”
    “That’s great,” says Frank, “but, what’s the bad news then?”
    Ted replies: “You’re opening the batting for us next Monday.”

  8. #458
    Thailand Expat Saint Willy's Avatar
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    Ha ha.

  9. #459
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    Two Aussies on holiday are driving on a remote dirt road. On the side of the road, and old blackfella elder was sitting cross legged, his flowing white beard giving some clue to his age and experience. Out of curiosity, they stop to talk to him.
    "We've heard that your people have amazing eyesight. Can you tell us what that cloud of dust is off in the distance?"
    The old fella squints, shields his eyes and says "'58 FC Holden ute. Two people in the front, two people, two dogs and a slab of beer in the back."
    "That's incredible! You can see all that from here?"
    "Nah I fell off the bastard five minutes ago!

  10. #460
    dairy dairy me
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    A man sits down next to a rather large woman at a bus stop. He asks the woman, "what time is it due?" The woman angrily replies, "How dare you assume I am pregnant just because I have a fuller figure you are an extremely rude man. The man says," You have totally misunderstood me. I was actually referring to what time the bus would arrive you fat bitch.

  11. #461
    Thailand Expat reddog's Avatar
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    Had some minor surgery this morning and the doctor said
    "Don't eat anything fatty"
    I replied ""So no chips or pizza?"
    He replied " No,i mean don't eat anything fatty"

  12. #462
    Thailand Expat VocalNeal's Avatar
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    ^ Garry Delaney

  13. #463
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    John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!"

    That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

    He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."

    She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

    John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

    "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

    The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

    She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".


  14. #464
    Thailand Expat Saint Willy's Avatar
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    too long for quick jokes....-8aeefa52-5735-4590-b7ce-5eedfd7104c1-jpeg

  15. #465
    Thailand Expat harrybarracuda's Avatar
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    They took place on a skyscraper in Moscow. Putin and Kim sat on table facing each other, while a bodyguard stood behind them each.
    Putin and Kim argued about whose bodyguard is more loyal. To show his loyalty, Putin ordered his bodyguard to jump out of window. His bodyguard was surprised and bewildered; after some hesitation he knelt his knee over his president and cried: "Please spare me, my prezident. I have wife and children." Putin felt sorry; he patted his shoulder and told him it was just a joke.
    Watching them, Kim snorted and ordered his bodyguard to jump out of window. His bodyguard was surprised and bewildered, but soon he shouted and ran to the window. Putin was surprised; he ran and grabbed that bodyguard; yelling "Are you crazy? We're at skyscraper!" The bodyguard yelled, with fear in his eyes.
    "Get off me! I have wife and children!"

  16. #466
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    Too sophisticated for us!!

  17. #467
    Thailand Expat Saint Willy's Avatar
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    The Proper Way to Call a Golfer a Bastard…..


    A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.


    They were even after the first two holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"


    The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.


    The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He then confessed that he was the pro at the neighbouring course and liked to pick on suckers.


    The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.
    The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.
    The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."


    The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"


    The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation of $80. And, if you want to, bring your Mother and Father along, I'll marry them."

  18. #468
    Thailand Expat
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    An old but topical one:

    A few years after the invasion of Afghanistan by the US, this liberal interventionist lands in Afghanistan.

    He walks around and sees Afghan women walking 3 metres ahead of the men.

    He looks at his interpreter and says,

    "Look how a force for good the US presence has been.

    Before we came here, the women walked 2 metres behind their husbands.

    Now thanks to the US they now walk 3 metres ahead of their husbands."

    An old man nearby shakes his head with a wry smile and says,

    “They walk 3 metres ahead of their husbands for the land mines”
    A tray full of GOLD is not worth a moment in time.

  19. #469
    Thailand Expat
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    An elderly Expat and his Thai wife in Korat are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

    Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.

    “Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?” he asks.

    “Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”

    “Sure.”

    “Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?” she asks. “No, I can remember it.”

    “Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so’s not to forget it?”

    He says, “I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.”

    “I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?” she asks.

    Irritated, he says, “I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it!

    Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!”

    Then he toddles into the kitchen.

    After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

    She stares at the plate for a moment. “Where’s my toast?”

  20. #470
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    After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Canadian scientists found
    Traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that
    Their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

    Not to be outdone by their neighbours, in the weeks that followed, an American
    Archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times:
    "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their
    Ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Canadians".

    One week later, the British authorities reported the following:
    "After digging as deep as 30 feet in North Yorkshire, Jack Arkwright, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely f*** all.
    Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."

    Just makes you bloody proud to be British, don't it!

  21. #471
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    A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

    They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
    "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

    When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
    "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

    A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

    Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

    She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
    The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."
    Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "Wow! What a Ride!"

  22. #472
    Thailand Expat Saint Willy's Avatar
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    Welcome back Neo, it's been awhile.

  23. #473
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    Great stuff on this thread. Thanks all.

  24. #474
    Thailand Expat harrybarracuda's Avatar
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    One for our Scottish friends...

    Guy goes into a pub with his dug. Orders a beer and says to the barman: "I've nae money but I'll show you something better. Ma dug can talk"
    Barman says: "Right make it talk"


    Boy pulls out a bit sandpaper, scrapes the dugs arse with it and says to the dug: "How's that that feel?"
    The dug says "Ruff"


    Barman says "Fuck off, oot ye get" and the guy says " Naw, naw it can talk... geez another chance"
    So this time he says to the dug, "Yer playing golf and your baw doesn't hit the fairway, green, bunker or water, where is it?"
    Dug says "Ruff"


    Barman says "Right fuck this oot ye get, the pair of ye" and the boy says
    "Naw honestly, he can talk... geez wan mair chance"


    Boy turns to the dug and says," Right listen you... this is oor last chance or we're getting kicked outa here...World Cup in Mexico 1986...who was in goal for Scotland?"
    The dug says "Ruff!"


    Barman says " Right that's it!" and chucks the two of them oot.


    Boy's sitting on the pavement outside and the dug turns and says to him


    "Wiz it Jim Leighton?"

  25. #475
    Thailand Expat lom's Avatar
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    "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
    The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
    "Yes, Father, it is."
    "And who was the girl you were with?"
    "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
    "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
    "I cannot say."
    "Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
    "I'll never tell."
    "Was it Nina Capelli?"
    "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
    "Was it Cathy Piriano?"
    "My lips are sealed."
    "Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
    "Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
    The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

    Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
    "Four months vacation and five good leads..."
    The world needs more people who plant trees they know they will never sit in the shade of.

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