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  1. #426
    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
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    Two women were playing golf.

    One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly towards a group of four men playing the next hole.

    The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed over to the man and immediately began to apologise.

    "Please allow me to help. I'm a Physio-therapist and I can relieve your pain, if you'd allow me."

    "Oh, no, I'll be all right in a few minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

    At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

    She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his trousers and put her hands inside, administering a tender and artful massage for several long moments. "Now, how does that feel?"

    ”Feels great”, he replied; “but I still think my thumb's broken.”

  2. #427
    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
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    Man tells his wife to get ready, you, me and the dog are going fishing.

    Wife says she doesn't want to go.

    Man gives her 3 options: Fishing, blow job or take it up the ass.

    Wife picks blow job.

    After sucking for a while she says yuk, your dick tastes like shit.

    He says I know, the dog didn't want to go either.

  3. #428
    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
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    Not really a joke, but gives pause for thought.

    Once upon a time there was a highly revered and very rich King who loved his 4-year old daughter beyond anything; only, she was ill, and not even the most knowledgeable doctors in his empire could figure out how to overcome what was bringing her down. You see, she wanted the moon, she was infatuated by it, she would spend most nights looking at it, adoring it, she had everything else she could possibly want, but it was the moon she wanted more than anything.

    So the King summoned the wisest men in his happy, peaceful and prosperous Kingdom, to solve this terrible problem.

    But they all told him the same; the moon, your majesty, is bigger than your entire empire, some said it's made of cheese while others insisted it was hard rock, but they all agreed it's thousands of miles away in the sky; it's simply not possible to bring it down, not even for the sad princess.

    And so it went on, through the months the King himself became ill, and his Kingdom began to decay as he neglected its needs, until one day in desperation he offered half of his Kingdom to anyone that could save his daughter from eating herself away.

    So it was in a distant part of the Kingdom that a wise old man learned of the dilemma, and quite aside from the rewards to be had it was the Kingdom he wanted to save; after much preparation, having sent his son ahead to announce that he had the solution, he travelled to the palace and hobbled forward through ranks of guards to kneel at the bottom step leading to the King's throne.

    The court fell silent, every eye and ear on the old man, and the King impatiently gestured his guards to stand down when they rushed to intercept the old man as he started climbing the steps toward the princess, weak, thin, sallow faced and by death's door, propped up on a mini throne by her father's side.

    The old man knelt by the princess, and whispered as the King strained to hear: Your Highness, we are going to give you the moon.

    She perked up immediately; the King was gobsmacked.

    Only, he continued, we need your help.

    Yes, she struggled to speak, yes, how can I help.

    Well, you see, we need to know more about the moon; what can you tell us about it? First, how big is it?

    Oh that's easy, she smiled, taking the entire audience aback, it's as big as my thumb nail. I know this because when I put my thumb to my eye it's completely covered.

    Thank you, your Highness, and what is it made of?

    The princess giggled, triggering laughter throughout the court, oh, everyone knows it's made of gold.

    And how far away is it?

    It's not far, she replied, sometimes I see it tangled in the branches of the tree outside my bedroom window.

    Well, said the old man as the teary King embraced him, tonight when you are asleep we will send someone up the tree to capture the moon and bring it down for you.

    Can you put it on a necklace, so I can wear it, she squealed. Of course we can, my princess, the old man replied, and through her pain she leapt from the mini throne and started dancing, the King joined in, and soon everyone in the palace was celebrating her miraculous recovery.

    And, she turned to the old man through the revelry, I know when you take the moon from the tree, tomorrow there will be another one, that's how it works, there is always a moon in the trees.

    -------

    Sometimes we think too hard.

  4. #429
    I am no longer a Hostage

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    ^^&^^^

  5. #430
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    Bettyboo's Avatar
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    ^^ this is the quick joke thread, you'll be in trouble when the Sheriff comes along (and rightly so!).
    How do I post these pictures???

  6. #431
    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
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    I thought it was too long for quick jokes...oh well, looks like a spell in the cooler.

  7. #432
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    Cujo's Avatar
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    Never mind long or short, what about 'joke'?
    "In my professional assessment as an intelligence officer, Trump has a reflexive, defensive, monumentally narcissistic personality, for whom the facts and national interest are irrelevant, and the only thing that counts is whatever gives personal advantage and directs attention to himself."

  8. #433
    Thailand Expat TheRealKW's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cujo View Post
    Never mind long or short, what about 'joke'?

    Fair point.


  9. #434
    Thailand Expat VocalNeal's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cujo View Post
    Never mind long or short, what about 'joke'?
    That moon thing was more a parable or "Points to Ponder"
    Better to think inside the pub, than outside the box?
    I apologize if any offence was caused. unless it was intended.
    You people, you think I know feck nothing; I tell you: I know feck all
    Those who cannot change their mind, cannot change anything.

  10. #435
    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
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    There's a space mission to the moon with two monkeys and a woman on board.
    Control calls, "Monkey number one to the monitor."
    The monkey is instructed to release the pressure in compartment one, increase the temperature in engine four and release oxygen to the reactors.
    The monkey does everything right away.

    A few moments later Control calls again "Monkey two to the monitor"
    The second monkey is instructed to add carbon dioxide to room four, stop the fuel injection to engine three, add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and analyse and transmit solar radiation readings. The monkey does as instructed.

    Few minutes later, Houston calls again "Woman, please approach the screen."
    She sits down and immediately interrupts the dispatcher: "I know, I know, feed the monkeys, and don't touch anything."

  11. #436
    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
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    Husband: My wife is missing, she went out 3 days ago and has not returned.

    Sergeant at Police Station: How tall is she?

    Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet.

    Sergeant: Weight?

    Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

    Sergeant: Colour of eyes?

    Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

    Sergeant: Colour of hair?

    Husband: Changes a couple times a year, maybe last was dark brown, I can’t remember.

    Sergeant: What was she wearing?

    Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

    Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

    Husband: She went in my Audi.

    Sergeant: What kind of Audi was it?

    Husband: (sobbing) Audi A6 Avant Black Edition, Ambient Lighting pack - A6, Front and outer rear heated seats, Valcona leather - Lunar silver + super sport seats, 3 spoke heated sports leather multifunction steering wheel with paddle shift, LED Matrix headlights with high beam assist, Pearlescent paint, Audi drive select, Audi parking system plus with front and rear sensors, Audible and visual fasten seat belt warning - front and rear, Cruise control, Driver's information system, MMI SD card Navigation, Mobile telephone preparation, PAS, Service interval indicator, 3 point seatbelts on all seats, ABS-EBD, ASR traction control, Curtain airbags, Driver and passenger airbags, Driver-front passenger side airbags, Electromechanical parking brake, Electronic stability control, Front passenger airbag deactivation, Hill hold assist, Tyre pressure monitoring system, Warning triangle and first aid kit, Anti theft alarm, Anti-theft wheel bolts, Immobiliser, Keyless Start, Remote central locking, Audi music interface, Auxiliary input socket, DAB digital radio module, MMI Radio plus with CD player and bluetooth interface, SD card slot, USB connection, 12V power in rear centre console, 4 way electric lumbar support, 4 zone climate control, Aluminium door sill trims, Black cloth headlining, Double cargo floor, Electric front seats + driver memory, Front centre armrest, Front head restraints, Front-rear floor mats, Height adjustable front seats, Isofix front passenger and rear seat preparation, Jack and tool kit, Load lashing points, Luggage compartment cover, Luggage rails, Perforated leather gearknob, Rear headrests, Split folding rear seat, Auto dimming rear view mirror, Automatic headlights + automatic windscreen wipers, Body coloured bumpers, Body coloured door mirrors and handles, Body coloured roof spoiler, Door sill trims with S line logo, Electric front-rear windows, Headlight washers, High gloss black door mirrors, High gloss black finish B pillar, High gloss black triangular aperture at rear door, LED daytime running lights, LED rear lights, Light sensor, Platinum grey front lip spoiler, Privacy glass (to rear of B post), Rain sensor, Rear wiper, Alcantara door trim, Piano black finish inlay, Space saver spare wheel, Black Styling pack - A6 Avant, Non smoking pack - A6, Diesel particulate filter

  12. #437
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    After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Nôtre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.
    After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous. “You have no arms!”
    “No matter”, said the man, “Observe!”
    He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
    The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety-five church steps to find that a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moment before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, “Bishop, who was this man?”
    “I don't know his name,” the bishop sadly replied, “but his face rings a bell.”
    The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.
    The first man to approach him said, “Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.”
    The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, but as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around and died on the spot.
    Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. “What has happened? Who is this man?” the first monk asked breathlessly. “I don't know his name,” sighed the distraught bishop, “but he’s a dead ringer for his brother!”

  13. #438
    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
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    Nice, a similar one I heard ends: I don't know him but his face rings a bell.

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