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  1. #351
    . Neverna's Avatar
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    A Spurs fan was drinking in a bar in Manchester when he gets a call on his mobile phone. He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical London baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

    Nobody could believe that any new baby could weigh 25 pounds but the man just shrugs. “That’s about average down our way, folks. Like I said, my boy’s a typical London baby boy."

    Two weeks later, the man returns to the bar. The bartender says, “You’re the father of that typical London baby boy that weiged 25 pounds at birth, aren’t you? Everybody’s been making bets about how big he’d be in 2 weeks, so how much does he weigh now?"

    The proud father answers, “Seventeen pounds.”

    The bartender is puzzled and concerned. “What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born.”

    The father takes a large swig from his glass, wipes his lips, leans into the bartender and proudly says, “I had him circumcised.”


  2. #352
    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
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    Four old retired Australian guys are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents." They look at each other, and go in thinking this is too good to be true.

    The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the Room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll It be, gentlemen?"

    There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a Martini. The bartender serves up four iced Martinis and says, "That'll be 10 Cents each, please." The guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other; can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis and order another round. Again, four martinis for 40 cents. They need to know what's going on. One said to the bartender, "We've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a Dollar yet. How can you afford to serve Martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"

    "I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix ," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this Place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer - it's all the same..."

    "Wow! That's some story!" one of the Ozzies says.

    As the four sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing a group of seven people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them, and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.

    Nodding at the group, one of the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?" He replies, "They're retirees from New Zealand, and waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price."

  3. #353
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  4. #354
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    Two Aussie blokes were out shooting in the outback and came upon a huge hole in the ground.

    They approached it and were amazed at its size.

    The first said, "Wow, that's some hole. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

    The second said, "There's an old gear box over there. Let's throw it in and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

    So, they picked up the gearbox, carried it over to the hole, counted one-two-three, and heaved it in.

    As they were standing there looking over the edge of the hole, a goat come crashing through the underbrush, ran up to the hole and without hesitation, jumped in head first.

    While they were standing there staring at each other in amazement, they peered into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about.
    Just then an old farmer sauntered up. "Say, you blokes didn't happen to see my goat?"

    The first bloke said, "Funny you should ask. We were just standing here a minute ago, and a goat came running out of the bushes doing about a hundred miles an hour and jumped head first into this here hole!"
    .
    .
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    .
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    .
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    .
    .

    The old farmer said, "Nah mate, that's impossible!................... I had him chained to a gear box."
    Last edited by nora tittoff; 07-12-2018 at 02:14 PM.

  5. #355
    Thailand Expat harrybarracuda's Avatar
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    A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.


    The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."


    "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.


    "And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.


    "I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck.


    "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"


    "Certainly, sorry about that," Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.


    "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"


    "I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.


    "I'm a plasterer."


    The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.


    So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.


    The same thing happens for two weeks.


    Then one day the circus comes to town.


    The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him


    "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"


    "Sounds marvelous,"says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.


    "Get him to give me a call."


    So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."


    "I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck.


    "Where is it?"


    "At the circus," Says the barman.


    "The circus?" Repeats the duck.


    "That's right," Replies the barman.


    "The circus?" The duck asks again.


    “”With the big tent?" "Yeah," the barman replies.


    "With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.


    "Of course," the barman replies.


    "And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.


    "That's right!" says the barman.


    The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says...


    "What the fuck would they want with a plasterer??!"

  6. #356
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    Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter".

    Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars -- and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".

    One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

    Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter ride is 50 dollars -- and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".

    The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's 50 dollars."

    Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

    Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know -- 50 dollars is 50 dollars!"


  7. #357
    Thailand Expat harrybarracuda's Avatar
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    Excuse my rant but I'm absolutely fuming ��
    My son got sent home from school yesterday.
    He has been suspended for running around the girls toilets waving his willy around.
    Idiotic yes but it seems he had done it for a bet.
    Suspension seemed to be a bit harsh, so I rang the headmaster to explain that it was just a bit of tomfoolery gone too far.
    However, he was having none of it and has stuck by the suspension.
    Getting a bit peeved, I asked the head if he would rather have him thieving and smashing the school up like others I could mention.
    "No", he said, "I would rather have him teaching the year 5 Geography class that he is employed to do"...........

  8. #358
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    EGGSIT

    LEAVER: I want an omelette.
    REMAINER: Right. It’s just we haven’t got any eggs.
    LEAVER: Yes, we have. There they are. [HE POINTS AT A CAKE]
    REMAINER: They’re in the cake.
    LEAVER: Yes, get them out of the cake, please.
    REMAINER: But we voted in 1974 to put them into a cake.
    LEAVER: Yes, but that cake has got icing on it. Nobody said there was going to be icing on it.
    REMAINER: Icing is good.
    LEAVER: And there are raisins in it. I don’t like raisins. Nobody mentioned raisins. I demand another vote.
    DAVID CAMERON ENTERS.
    DAVID CAMERON: OK.
    DAVID CAMERON SCARPERS.
    LEAVER: Right, where’s my omelette?
    REMAINER: I told you, the eggs are in the cake.
    LEAVER: Well, get them out.
    EU: It’s our cake.
    JEREMY CORBYN: Yes, get them out now.
    REMAINER: I have absolutely no idea how to get them out. Don’t you know how to get them out?
    LEAVER: Yes! You just get them out and then you make an omelette.
    REMAINER: But how?! Didn’t you give this any thought?
    LEAVER: Saboteur! You’re talking eggs down. We could make omelettes before the eggs went into the cake, so there’s no reason why we can’t make them now.
    THERESA MAY: It’s OK, I can do it.
    REMAINER: How?
    THERESA MAY: There was a vote to remove the eggs from the cake, and so the eggs will be removed from the cake.
    REMAINER: Yeah, but…
    LEAVER: Hang on, if we take the eggs out of the cake, does that mean we don’t have any cake? I didn’t say I didn’t want the cake, just the bits I don’t like.
    EU: It’s our cake.
    REMAINER: But you can’t take the eggs out of the cake and then still have a cake.
    LEAVER: You can. I saw the latest Bake Off and you can definitely make cakes without eggs in them. It’s just that they’re horrible.
    REMAINER: Fine. Take the eggs out. See what happens.
    LEAVER: It’s not my responsibility to take the eggs out. Get on with it.
    REMAINER: Why should I have to come up with some long-winded incredibly difficult chemical process to extract eggs that have bonded at the molecular level to the cake, while somehow still having the cake?
    LEAVER: You lost, get over it.
    THERESA MAY: By the way, I’ve started the clock on this.
    REMAINER: So I assume you have a plan?
    THERESA MAY: Actually, back in a bit. Just having another election.
    REMAINER: Jeremy, are you going to sort this out?
    JEREMY CORBYN: Yes. No. Maybe.
    EU: It’s our cake.
    LEAVER: Where’s my omelette? I voted for an omelette.
    REMAINER: This is ridiculous. This is never going to work. We should have another vote, or at least stop what we’re doing until we know how to get the eggs out of the cake while keeping the bits of the cake that we all like.
    LEAVER/MAY/CORBYN: WE HAD A VOTE. STOP SABOTAGING THE WILL OF THE PEOPLE. EGGSIT MEANS EGGSIT.
    REMAINER: Fine, I’m moving to France. The cakes are nicer there.
    LEAVER: You can’t. We’ve taken your freedom of movement.

  9. #359
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    happynz's Avatar
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    But there must've been a Death Star canteen, yeah? There must've been a cafeteria downstairs, in between battles, where Darth Vader could just chill and go down:
    "I will have the penne all'arrabbiata."

    "You'll need a tray."

    "Do you know who I am? Do you know who I am? This is not a game of who the fuck are you. For I am Vader, Darth Vader, Lord Vader. I can kill you with a single thought."

    "Well, you'll still need a tray."

    "No, I will not need a tray. I do not need a tray to kill you. I can kill you without a tray, with the power of the Force, which is strong within me. Even though I could kill you with a tray if I so wished, for I would hack at your neck with the thin bit until the blood flowed across the canteen floor."

    "No, the food is hot. You'll need a tray to put the food on."

    "Oh, I see, the food is hot. I'm sorry, I did not realize."
    pues, estamos aqui

  10. #360
    Thailand Expat harrybarracuda's Avatar
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    Since my dear beloved wife died after 24 years of marriage, I've become so lonely that I decided to join a dating agency yesterday and they immediately found me a match.
    I met her this morning and we both hit it off right away - we even came back to my place and had amazing sex.
    Don't get me wrong, I'll never forget my wife but this new lady has given me hope that I can live again.
    She's also promised to be there to comfort me at my wifes funeral tomorrow afternoon

  11. #361
    Thailand Expat harrybarracuda's Avatar
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    In the 70's Paris an older Gentleman walks in to the fancy restaurant Lucas Carton.
    He asks the head waiter to decant a bottle of Rothschild 1928 Mouton.
    After fifteen minutes the Master Sommelier comes to his table with a beautiful crystal carafe.
    The Sommelier pours the gentleman a bit of the wine for tasting, he picks up the glass and sniffs it a couple of times.
    He firmly puts the glass on the table and then says to the Sommelier: this is not a Rothschild 1928!
    The shocked Sommelier answers that it is. Very soon the table is visited by more than ten persons including the director of the establishment, all trying to convince the gentleman that it is a Rothschild 1928 Mouton.
    Finally the gentleman says, My name is Baron Philippe de Rothschild and I make that wine!
    After a moment of complete silence the Sommelier starts sobbing and saying it is a Clerc Milon 1928 and that he couldn't bare to bring their very last bottle of the 1928 Mouton.
    The Sommelier asks how in the world the man could distinguish any difference when both wines are from the same area in the same province, exact same grape, been harvested the same week of the same month. Same baskets has been used at the picking. They use the same method to extract the juice.
    They both matured in the same kind of barrels and are tapped on bottles after the same amount of time.
    'As a Master Sommelier I can safely say that these two wines are the same, exept for a tiny difference in the geographic'.
    Rothschild signals to the Sommelier to come closer and whispers in his ear: hear now lad, when you get home to your wife tonight, tell her to take her undies off. Then put one finger in the front and the other finger in the back. Then smell the two fingers and you'll soon realise what a tiny difference in geographic can do...
    ����

  12. #362
    . Neverna's Avatar
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    Tres bien.

  13. #363
    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
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  14. #364
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  15. #365
    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
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  16. #366
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    A man, a dog and a pig are stranded on a deserted island after surviving a shipwreck.

    The man and his animals have plenty of food and resources to survive, but after a while the man starts to feel sexually frustrated.


    One day he decides to take his sexual frustration out on the pig but the dog does not like what he sees and so he bites the man every time he try's to hump the pig.

    The man even tries to lure the dog to one side of the island, so he can run back and try to relive his frustration on the pig, but the dog keeps running back just in time to stop him from having sex with the pig.

    Until one day a beautiful woman washes ashore on the island but she is lifeless and the man successfully revives her through CPR.


    Being so grateful that she was brought back to life, she tells him " thank you so much for saving my life, I owe you everything and will do anything you ask, to return the favor of saving my life".

    The man kindly rejects the offer but she is persistent and continues to tell him " please let me repay you, I will do anything you want"

    Then the man ask "anything? Really?" She says "YESS!, anything you want" The man is now convinced that she will do anything to repay him and so he tells her

    "You see that dog? Go take him for a walk"

  17. #367
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    An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Red Lodge, Montana for a shave and a haircut.

    He tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

    The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

    When he’s finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’d had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed the little ball.

    The barber replied, “Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does”.

  18. #368
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    Teacher asks the kids in class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"


    Lil' Johnny: "I Wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".


    The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson:

    And you, Tanya?


    "I wanna be Lil' Johnny's bitch!"

  19. #369
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    An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather Abdullah in a nursing home.

    All the Arab Facilities were completely full, so they had to put him in an Italian home.

    After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa.

    "How do you like it here?" Asked the grandson.

    It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," said grandpa.

    "We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you since you are a "little different" from everyone."

    "Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents." Abdullah said with a big smile.

    "There's a musician here - he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him Maestro!

    There is a judge in here - he's 95 year old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him Your Honour.

    There's a dentist here - 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years, and everyone still calls him Doctor.

    And me - I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me the Fucking Arab.

  20. #370
    Thailand Expat Boon Mee's Avatar
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    John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan.

    After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.

    However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, 'Are these plates clean?'

    His grandfather replied, 'They're as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'

    For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, 'Are you sure these plates are clean?'


    Without looking up the old man said, 'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'


    Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.


    John yelled and said, 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'. Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted!


    'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!

    A Deplorable Bitter Clinger

  21. #371
    Thailand Expat Boon Mee's Avatar
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    I stopped by the Ford Dealership yesterday, for a look
    at the new 2019 F-150 aluminum pickup. Just for fun,
    I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new truck “feel”
    before they become old.

    The salesperson (a nice looking lady wearing a “RESIST” lapel pin)
    sat in the passenger seat next to me, describing the truck
    and all its “wonderful” options.

    The seats were of particular interest. She explained
    that the seats directed warm air to your butt
    in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.
    Feeling like messing with her, I mentioned that this must be a CONSERVATIVE truck.
    Looking a bit angry, she asked why I thought it was a CONSERVATIVE truck.
    I explained, “If it were a LIBERAL truck,

    the seats would just blow smoke up your ass year-round!”

    I had to walk back to the dealership but it was worth it. 555

  22. #372
    Thailand Expat VocalNeal's Avatar
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    ^ blowing smoke up one's arse used to be an approved treatment to save a near drowned person

  23. #373
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    A left wing teacher, marinating her charges as they do, asked her class how many of them were Jeremy Corbyn fans.


    Not really knowing what a Jeremy Corbyn fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher,
    all the kids raised their hands, except Little Johnny.


    Naturally the teacher was pissed off, but didn't show it and took the opportunity to humiliate l'il Johny into following the rest of the herd. So she asked him why he has decided to be different...again.


    L'il Johnny said, 'Because I'm not a Jeremy Corbyn fan.'


    The teacher asked, 'Why aren't you a Jeremy Corbyn fan?'


    Johnny said, 'Because I'm a Conservative.'


    The teacher asked him why he's a Conservative.


    Little Johnny answered, 'Well, my Mum's a Conservative and my Dad's a Conservative, so I'm a Conservative.'


    Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, 'If your Mum was a moron and your Dad was an idiot, what would that make you?'


    L'l Johnny replied, 'A Jeremy Corbyn fan.'

    ------

    PS: Just received this from an uber left mate, difference is he has a soh unlike our resident comrades.

  24. #374
    Hangin' Around cyrille's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jabir View Post
    PS: Just received this from an uber left mate, difference is he has a soh unlike our resident comrades.
    He evidently appreciates antiques too.

  25. #375
    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cyrille View Post
    He evidently appreciates antiques too.
    Hilarious but wrong thread, try quick jokes.

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