Thread: too long for quick jokes....

You may, one day, become enlightend

Youngest Son: Dad,whats the difference between 'hypothetically' & 'reality'? . Dad turns to wife: Would you sleep with Tom cruise for 1 million? . Wife: Of course! I would never waste such an opportunity . Then Dad asks daughter: Would you sleep with Tom cruise for 1 Million? . Daughter: Yes He's my fantasy . Dad asks elder son: Would you sleep with, Tom cruise for 1 million? . Elder Son: Why not ? Imagine what I could do with that money! . Father turns to his younger son: You see son, 'Hypothetically' we're sitting with 3 millionares but in 'Reality' we are living with 2 prostitutes & 1 gay Bastard !

George the vicar in a small village loved the chickens that he kept in the coop behind the church.
One Sunday morning before service, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.

He knew about the cock fights in the village, so he decided to question his parishioners in church.

During the service, he asked his congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up.
"No, no, that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" All the women stood up.
"No, no, that wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?? Half the women stood up !
"No, no, no, that wasn't what I meant. What I really mean is, has anybody seen MY cock?"
Six choir boys, two vicars aids and a goat stood up!

An oldie but I'm posting it in case somebody hasn't read it before.


A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to clean up the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke up, and asked very softly : "May I ask what the turkey did?"

A lady walks into a fancy jewellery store. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may not have been there at the time of her little "accident!" she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"

He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price."

There was a blonde who was at an all blonde football game.

At halftime she was called down to answer questions to see if she could win $1000.

The first question was what is 10 plus 11? She hesitates and says, "hm.. 5!" The host says "No, I'm sorry thats incorrect." All of the blondes in the stadium chanted "Give her another chance, give her another chance!"

So the host agrees and said, "Ok how about 5 plus 5." She answers and says "20". Again all the blondes chanted "Give her another chance, give her another chance."

So the host agrees again and says, "OK, last chance, what is 2 plus 2." The blonde says "4!" and the audience all start chanting "Give her another chance give her another chance! Give her another chance give her another chance!"

Two gay men are walking together through a zoo. They come across a gorilla and notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection. The two men are fascinated by this.
One of the men just can't bear it any longer so he reaches into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and has his way with him for six hours, non-stop, while the zoo attendants helplessly stand by.
When he's done, the gorilla throws the man out of the cage. An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital.
A few days later, his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, "Are you hurt?"
Am I hurt?" he shouts, "Wouldn't you be? He hasn't called, he hasn't written...

^, ^^

“Doc,” says Steve, “I want to be castrated.”
“What on earth for?” asks the doctor in amazement.
“It’s something I’ve been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done” replies Steve.
“But have you thought it through properly?” asks the doctor, “It’s a very serious operation and once it’s done, there’s no going back. It will change your life forever!”
“I’m aware of that and you’re not going to change my mind — either you book me in to be castrated or I’ll simply go to another doctor.”
“Well, OK.”, says the doctor, “But it’s against my better judgment!”
So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand.
Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.
“Hi there,” says Steve,”It looks as if you’ve just had the same operation as me.”
“Well,” said the patient, “I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised.”
Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, “Shit! THAT’S the word!”

Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.


Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.


Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.


Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.


Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).


Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.


Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.


Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.


Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.


Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.


The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.


Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.


Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.


Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.


Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.


Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.


Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.


Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

Wiremu, a New Zealander, was on the dole in Australia but about to fly home to watch theRugby World Cup and was not feeling well,so he decided to see a doctor.

"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey!" said Wiremu.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.

"No way, doc," replied Wiremu. "I'm gitting a sicond opinion, ey!"

The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure.
Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.

Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate suckness, ey."

"What's the cure thin, doc?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.

"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor, "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."

"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"

^ Haha,
Reminds me of Wiremu and his wife, Rangi.
They were sitting down to a big boil-up of puha and pork bones when Rangi clutched her chest and cried in agony.
Off they went to the hospital where Rangi was taken to a room to be examined. A few hours later the docter emerged and approached Wiremu and said, "Your wife has acute angina".
"Oh yeah, I know," Wiremu said, "she's got nice titties too".

Ronald joins a very exclusive nudist community. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to walk around.
A gorgeous brunette walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The brunette notices Ronald’s erection, comes over to him and asks, “Did you call for me?”
Ronald replies, “No,what do you mean?”
She says, “You must be new here. Let me explain. It’s a law here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.” Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
Ronald continues to explore the community. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts.
Within seconds a gigantic,bearded guy lumbers out of the steam room toward him,
“Did you call for me?” says the gigantic guy.
“No, what do you mean?” says the rookie Ronald.
“You must be new,” says the gigantic guy, “it’s a law that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.” The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The rookie Ronald staggers back to the community management office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked hot clerk,
“May I help you?” she says.
Ronald yells, “Here’s my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the 1000 bucks membership fee.”
“But, Sir,” she replies, “you’ve only been here for a few hours. You haven’t had the chance to see all our facilities.”
Ronald replies, “Listen young lady, I’m 70 years old. I only get an erection once in a month.But I fart 20 times a day.”

The Pope had just finished a tour and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked to the driver if he could drive for awhile. Well, the driver didn’t have much of a choice, so he climbs in the back of the limousine and the Pope takes the wheel.
The Pope proceeds onto highway and starts accelerating to see what the limo could do. He gets to about 100 mph, and suddenly he sees the blue-red lights of the Traffic Police in his mirror.
He pulls over and the police officer comes to his window. The officer, seeing who it was, says, “Just a moment please, I need to call in.”
The police calls in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief that he’s got a really important person pulled over, and how to handle it.
“It’s not Edward Kennedy again is it?” replies the chief.
“No Sir!” responded the police, “This guy is more important.”
“Is it the Governor?” replied the chief.
“No! Even more important!” replies the officer.
“Is it the Mr.President? replied the chief.
“No! Even more important!” replies the police officer.
“Well.Who is this fucking guy?”screams the chief.
“I don’t know Sir” replies the police officer.“But he’s got the Pope as his chauffeur.”

President Trump, the First Lady, a boy scout and a pilot are on a plane.
Suddenly, a bird gets stuck in one of the engines, causing it to burst into flames. The pilot tells the passengers that the plane will crash, but there are only 3 parachutes on the plane.
The president grabs one and says, "I am the most important man in the country! I'm the most popular president in history, believe me!", grabs one and quickly jumps out of the plane. The first lady grabs another parachute and says, "How will the president be able to look after his children without his wife?" and jumps out of the plane as well.
Now, only the boy scout and the pilot are on the plane. The pilot says, "You should go. You have more of your life ahead of you than I do. Go on and change the world." The boy scout says, "We can both go, there are two parachutes left!" "Huh? How is that possible? There were only 3 parachutes".

The boys says "Trump took my backpack".

True story, not hilarious but had me grinning at myself.
I just went out for a ciggie. Hatyai is very quiet at this time of morning and although a large city, sound travels very far in the silence.
I could hear a motorbike speeding in the distance. Not the staccato revving of a teenagers modified muffler Honda Click, not the deep rumble of a big bike, this was, unusually, the higher pitched whine of a two-stroke. As it revved up and down, changing gear, up, long burst, down, up, I tried to guess what sort of bike it was. Then it was sort of a lower big bike tone, then 2-stroke again, and then all sorts of tones, very strange and the oddest thing was, the sound kept coming from the same direction and didn't fade or get louder.
A shift in the breeze coinciding with my realisation that it was 5 am, and I realised I'd been trying to guess the make and model of the local mosque's muezzin.

A big hairy truck driver is driving down a deserted country road when he sees a man naked and tied face first to a tree. The Truckie stops and says"What happened to you mate" The bloke says" I picked up a hitch hiker, the the bastard robbed me at gun point stole my clothes and tied me to the tree and then stole my car!"
The Truckie pulls down his fly and said "This just isn't your lucky day is it".

The CIA needed a new assassin. They opened a position for that kind of an agent. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to three possible agents. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the conditions.”
CIA agent talked: “Inside the room you will find your wife sitting on a chair… We need you to kill her.” Candidate man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.”
CIA agent replied, “Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.”
The second candidate man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.”
The agent said, “You don’t know what you are missing. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, the last candidate man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his forehead. “Some imbecile loaded the gun with blanks” he said. “I had to strangle that bitch to death.”

Chemist John Jones, Astrophysicist Steven Frost and an Electrical Engineer Seamus Flaherty had all been sentenced to death and were on death row waiting to go to the electric chair.
Finally, the day had come. Hanzo the chemist was due to go first.
As he strapped him in, the Jack Ketch asked him, “Do you have anything you want to say?”
Hanzo replied, “No, do what you have to do…” so the executioner flicked the switch but nothing happened. According to this State’s law, if an execution attempt fails, the prisoner has to be released. So Hanzo was unstrapped and allowed to walk free.
It was the Astrophysicist Frost’s turn next.
As he was being strapped in, the executioner asked him, “Do you have anything you want to say?”
Frost replied, “No, just get on with it” so the Jack Ketch flicked the switch, but once again nothing happened. So, just like the Chemist, the Astrophysicist was released.
Then the Electrical Engineer Flaherty was brought forward.
The executioner asked him, “Do you have anything you want to say?”
Seamus replied, “Yes. If you swap the brown and the white wires over, you might just make this thing work.”

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender says to him, ‘You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.’ The Irishman replies, ‘Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I’m here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we all drank together.
‘The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, ‘I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.’
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye and he laughs. ‘Oh, no, ‘ he says, ‘Everyone is fine. I’ve just quit drinking!

A girl goes into the doctor’s office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red “H” on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he’s so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue “Y” on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he’s so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red “M” on her chest. “Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?” asks the doctor. “No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?”

^ Nice.

An engineer was taking a walk when a frog spoke to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.”
He picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I’ll become your girlfriend.”
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
The frog spoke again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll become your wife.”
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket again, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog said, “What is the matter? I’m a beautiful princess. Why won`t you kiss me?”
The engineer said, “Look, I’m a busy engineer. I don`t have time for a girlfriend or a wife, but a talking frog, now that’s cool.”

Probably been on here before but talking of frogs......

Man walked into a doctors office with a frog growing on the top of his head.

How did that start asks the doctor.

Started as a pimple on my arse answers the frog.