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  1. #51
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    Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning;

    "Windows frozen, won't open.”

    Husband texts back;

    "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."

    Wife texts back 5 minutes later;

    "Computer really stuffed now."

  2. #52
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    A fireman was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red billycart
    with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

    The girl was wearing a fireman's helmet.

    The billycart was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

    The fireman walked over to take a closer look.

    'That sure is a nice fire engine,' the fireman said with admiration.

    'Thanks' the girl replied.

    The fireman looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

    'Little partner,' the fireman said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.'

    The little girl replied thoughtfully,

    'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

  3. #53
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    A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.


    The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. 'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.

    The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'

    'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
    'Sure will,' replied the old-timer.

    The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
    'That's terrific!' said the hot shot. 'Got any more tips for me?'

    'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw'.
    'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man.

    'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.

    The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

    'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'
    The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'

    The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
    'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'

    'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man..

    'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.


  4. #54
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    A husband has just finished reading a book entitled "You Can Be THE Man of Your House".

    He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is LAW.

    You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.

    Afterwards you are going to run me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

    The wife replied,





    "The f**king funeral director would be my first guess......."

  5. #55
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    For his birthday little Patrick asked for a 10 speed bicycle.His father said "Son,we would give you one but the mortgage on the house is £ 280,000 and your mother has just lost her job so there's no way we can afford the bike". Next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase.He called out,"Son, where are you going ? ". Little Patrick told him," I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mum you were pulling out.Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. Now I'm damned if I will be staying here by myself with a £ 280,000 mortgage and no bike".

  6. #56
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    A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the
    halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her
    nightgown and say "Supersex.." She walked up to an elderly man in a
    wheelchair Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

    He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the
    soup."

  7. #57
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    Last week, we took some friends to a new Indian restaurant, 'Muthu's Place,' and noticed that the Indian waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the Indian staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

    'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

    As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare.. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now..' I was impressed.

    I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the Indian waiter's fly.

    Looking around, I saw that all of the Indian waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

    'Oh, certainly!' Then the Indian waiter lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.'

    I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

    'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon..

  8. #58
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    Luiggi walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe store twice every day.

    Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes.

    He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about.

    After about 2 months he saves the price
    of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.

    Every Friday night the Italian community
    holds a dance in the church basement.

    Luiggi seizes this opportunity to wear
    his new Armani leather shoes for the first time.

    He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her,
    'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?'

    Startled, Sophia replies,

    'Yes, Luiggi , I do wear red panties tonight,

    But how do you know?'

    Luiggi answers,

    'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes.
    How do you like them?'

    Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks,
    'Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?'

    Rosa answers,

    'Yes, Luiggi , I do,

    But how do you know that?'

    He replies,

    'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes.. .
    How do you like them?'

    Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Luiggi asks Carmela to dance.

    Midway through the dance his face
    turns red...

    He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart,

    Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight,

    Please, please, tella me this true!'

    Carmela smiles coyly and answers,

    'Yes Luiggi , I wear no panties tonight...'

    Luiggi gasps,

    'Thanka God ...

    I thought I had a CRACK in my
    $300 Armani leather shoes......................!'.

  9. #59
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    Puddles the duck walks into a bar and says to the barman "Have you got any lemons ?"

    "No I haven't" says the barman , so Puddles walks out .

    The next day Puddles walks into the bar and says to the barman "Have you got any lemons ?"

    Again the barman replies "No I haven't" so again Puddles walks out .

    The next day Puddles walks into the bar and again says to the barman "Have you got any lemons ?"

    The barman is getting a bit annoyed now and says to Puddles "Look d*ckhead , ask if I've got any lemons again and I'm gonna nail your bill to this counter !!" . Puddles , looking shocked , quickly walks out .

    The next day Puddles walks into the bar and says to the glowering barman "Have you got any nails ?"

    "No!" , says the barman .

    "Oh" , says Puddles , "Have you got any lemons ?"

  10. #60
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    A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm.
    I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm.
    What sort of horse?" said the owner. "A female horth" the dwarf
    replies.

    So the owner shows him a mare. "Nithe horth." says the dwarf,
    "Can I thee her eyeth?" So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him
    the horses eyes.
    "Nithe eyeth.", says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?" Again the
    owner
    picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth. "Nithe teeth....
    can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.

    By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again, picks up the
    dwarf to show him the horses ears. "Nithe eerth.' he says
    'Now...can I see
    her twot?"

    With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and
    shoves his head deep inside the horses **** . He holds him there
    for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.

    The dwarf shakes his head and says:



    Perhaps I should weefwaze that... Can I see her wun awound?"

  11. #61
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    Farmer Jones wanted to buy his neighbour's cow, but on enquiring the price he was shocked to learn it was £50.

    "What", he protested, "here I am, your friend and neighbour, and you ask a price like that?"

    "I'll tell you what", replied the other farmer, "seeing you are my neighbour I'll give you 20% discount."

    Now Farmer Jones was not much of a scholar and he wasn't quite sure what this meant so he said "I'll think about it."

    He went off down the road and was still trying to figure it out when he saw the local school-mistress coming towards him on her bicycle. He beckoned her to stop and said

    "Now tell me, Miss Pugh, if I were to offer you £50, less 20% discount, what would you take off?"

    Miss Pugh thought for a moment and then declared "Everything, except my ear-rings."

  12. #62
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    A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little yellow bug and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

    The blonde cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
    "What does it look like"?' she finally asked.

    The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it".

    The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman.
    "Here it is," she said.

    The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back
    saying,

    'Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.. ..'

  13. #63
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    I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. Short line. Just one guy in front of me…

    The guy in front of me was an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little agitated…

    He asked the teller, “Why it change? Yestoday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen ~ today I get hunat eighty? Why it change?”

    The teller says, “Fluctuations.”

    The Asian guy says, “Fluc you people too!”

  14. #64
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    Rugby Joke

    The other day I was in an empty pub having a quiet beer by myself.

    The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5'11'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy
    cotton top.. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.

    After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sitting down.

    She said 'Hi', and I said 'Hi' in return. She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.

    'So, does that make you feel good ?' she asked. .

    'I'll bet you feel good,' she continued. 'In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before.'

    'Well, I have,' I corrected her. 'You see, when I was 18, I was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the Public School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good.'

    I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go but she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.

    'How do you feel now,' she purred.

    'OK' I replied.

    Again, she said, 'I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!'

    Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The Opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, handed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, regathered and scored a Try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds 'till full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal with which to win the match and........ '

    "Ahhh...." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton , and she was wet !!!!

    She snapped, 'Well tell me this, Smart Arse : Have you ever felt such a perfect [at][at][at][at]?'

    'I certainly have' I answered, 'I missed the kick.'

  15. #65
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    A dustman is going along the street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his dustcart.

    He gets to one house and the bin hasn't been left out so he has a quick look for it, goes round the back but still can't see it so he knocks on the door.

    Eventually a Japenese bloke answers........

    " Harro", says the chappy.

    "Alright mate, ....where's ya bin? " asks the dustman.

    " I bin on toiret" replies the Japenese bloke looking perplexed.

    Realising the Japenese fellow has misunderstood the binman smiles and says " no mate, where's ya dust bin?

    " I dust bin on toiret - I told you " says the Japenese man.

    " mate", says the dustman......"you're misunderstanding me - where's your wheelie bin ?"



    " Ok ok " says the Japenese bloke,


    " I wheelie bin havin' a wank !!! "

  16. #66
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    In a run-down part of East London recently, a fire destroyed a dilapidated four storey house that had been divided into four flats.

    A Nigerian family of six internet con artists and full time benefit cheats lived on the first floor, and all six tragically perished in the fire.

    A group of seven Islamic welfare cheats, all illegally in the country, lived on the second floor, and they too, all perished in the fire.

    Six Albanian, gang banger, ex-cons - all claiming political asylum and
    living off the state for free occupied the 3rd floor and they too, died.

    And one middle aged British white couple lived on the top floor.
    They miraculously survived the fire.

    The Equal Opportunities Commission, Amnesty International, Human Rights activists, black community leaders and the British Islamic Council were all furious at the apparent racial inequality of the situation. Why were just the British white couple saved? It was monstrous they claimed, and showed that systemic 'racism' still existed in all areas of public service - questions were raised in the House of Commons, the popular media picked up the story and within hours it was national and indeed international news.

    The Mayor of London , when questioned stated calmly that it would be unwise to jump to conclusions until the Police and Fire Service had completed their report. He closed by stating that he expected their initial assessment would be available within the next 36 hours - so perhaps it would be best to let the experts gather the evidence and report back before he commented any further.

    The baying Press pack subsequently reported the interview in such way as to intimate that the Mayor was indifferent to suffering and was out of touch with the feelings of the whole East London community!

    A large motorcade of representatives from all five groups, together with the Home Secretary drove to the area and demanded a meeting with the local chief fire officer. They made sure that a large pack of popular Press and TV had been briefed on the visit and so the motorcade was met by a huge gaggle of journalists, TV interviewers and cameras.

    On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Africans, Black Muslims and Albanians all died in the fire and only the white couple lived.

    The chief fire officer quietly replied:-





    "They were at work."

  17. #67
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    Mick and Paddy had promised their uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise.

    They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat. After a while Mick says, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?'

    Without a word Paddy slips over the side, only to find himself standing in water up to his knees. 'Dis'll neva do, Mick. Let's row some more.'

    After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again, but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on.

    Again Mick asks Paddy, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?' Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No, dis'll neva do.' The water was only up to his chest.

    So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface, gasping for breath. 'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?'

    'Aye 'tis', says Paddy. 'Hand me da shovel.'

  18. #68
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    Guy goes to the doctor for a series of tests. After the reults come back, Dr says, "I've got good news and bad news....which do you want first?"

    "Give me the bad news first so the good news will cheer me up".

    "OK, well, you have terminal cancer and will be dead within 3 months"

    "Oh no, that's terrible.....and what could possibly be good news after that????"

    "Well," says the Doc, "You also have Alzheimers, so you can go home and forget about it."

  19. #69
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    Quote Originally Posted by can123 View Post
    Mick and Paddy had promised their uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise.

    They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat. After a while Mick says, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?'

    Without a word Paddy slips over the side, only to find himself standing in water up to his knees. 'Dis'll neva do, Mick. Let's row some more.'

    After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again, but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on.

    Again Mick asks Paddy, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?' Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No, dis'll neva do.' The water was only up to his chest.

    So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface, gasping for breath. 'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?'

    'Aye 'tis', says Paddy. 'Hand me da shovel.'

  20. #70
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    Quote Originally Posted by Maanaam View Post
    Guy goes to the doctor for a series of tests. After the reults come back, Dr says, "I've got good news and bad news....which do you want first?"

    "Give me the bad news first so the good news will cheer me up".

    "OK, well, you have terminal cancer and will be dead within 3 months"

    "Oh no, that's terrible.....and what could possibly be good news after that????"

    "Well," says the Doc, "You also have Alzheimers, so you can go home and forget about it."
    Good one.

  21. #71
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    A woman walks into an accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
    The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask you a few questions.”
    He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, “What’s your occupation?”
    “I’m a prostitute,” she says.
    The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, ” Let’s try to rephrase that.”
    The woman says, “OK, I’m a high-end call girl”.
    “No, that still won’t work. Try again.”
    They both think for a minute; then the woman says, “I’m an elite chicken farmer.”
    The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?”
    “Well, I raised a thousand cocks last year.”
    “Chicken Farmer it is.”

  22. #72
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    A woman walks into a bar and orders ten quadruple vodkas.
    She downs all of them in ten minutes flat, and promptly passes out.
    Closing time comes and the barman and the last 2 regulars are there, all thinking the same thing....so they lie her on a table and each has a go, before bundling her out to a taxi.
    The next evening, the woman comes back to the bar. The barman's thinking, "Oh shit" but the woman just smiles and orders ten quadruple vodkas, chugs them, and passes out.
    Closing time, and 5 regulars were still there....so they all have a go before putting her into a taxi.
    Next day, same thing, but this time word had got around and therfe were 15 regulars eagerly waiting, and they all had a turn.
    Next day, again, but this time there was a rugby team as well as the 15 regulars.
    NEXT day, she walks into the bar again, and the barman seeing her coming says, "I know, ten quadruple vodkas..."
    "No thanks," she says, "Today I'll have ten quadruple rums.....vodka makes my twat sore."

  23. #73
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    A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington , DC .
    Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
    "Terrorists have kidnapped the ENTIRE US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations."
    "How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.
    The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

  24. #74
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    In light if the terrorist threat level, and Russia playing silly buggers in Ukraine...

    As many are aware, the French government recently announced a raise in its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The normal level is "General Arrogance", and the only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

    It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert: Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate military posturing". Two more levels remain, "Ineffective combat operations" and "Change sides".

    The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdain" to "Dress in uniform and sing marching songs". They have two higher levels: "Invade a neighbour" and "Lose".

    Seeing this reaction in continental Europe the Americans have gone from "Isolationism" to "Find another oil-rich nation for regime change". Their remaining higher alert states are "Attack random countries (ideally those without any credible military)" and "Beg the British for help".

    The British are also feeling the pinch and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the Blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the Great Fire of 1666.

    The Australians thought about doing something but have decided that their security level of "She'll be right mate" is enough.

  25. #75
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    A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her by having an affair with the maid. So she laid down a trap.

    One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn't tell her husband.

    That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story: "Excuse me my dear, my stomach aches" and went to the bathroom.

    The wife promptly went and got into the Maid's bed.

    She switched the lights off.

    When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words but had his way with her.
    When he finished and was still panting, the wife said:
    "You didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you?"
    And then she switched on the light.

    "No ma'am", said the Gardener.

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