Thread: Diagnosis

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.


The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.


At the first house a woman complains, "I've been a little sick in my stomach." The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"


As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman? How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?"


"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the waste bin. That was what probably was making her sick."


The younger doctor said "Pretty clever. If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house."


Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."


"You've probably been doing too much for the Church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."


As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, she's very active in the church, but how did you arrive at it?"


"I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the vicar under the bed."

BULLFROGS & BLOW JOBS A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet,but she didn't want to spend a fortune.'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog.They say it's been trained to give blow jobs!''Blow jobs!' the woman replied.

'It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...

No more blow jobs for her!

She bought the frog.When she explained froggy's ability to her husband,he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off!...

The woman went to bed happy,thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere,making hellacious banging and crashing sounds.She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cook books.

'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked.

The husband replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook...you're gone.'

Doc jokes!

Allan, a mechanic, was removing a cylinder head from a Harley-Davidson motorbike, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his garage. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.

Allan shouted across the garage, 'Hey Doc can I ask you a question?' The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to Allan. Allan straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open hearts, take valves out, fix'em, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one. So how come I work for a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?'

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over and whispered in Allan's ear, 'Try doing it with the engine running.'

Doctor says to the patient "I've got some good news and some bad news".

"What's the bad news?" says the patient.

"We had to amputate both of your legs".

"Well what's the good news then!?" says the patient.

"The bloke in the bed next door wants to buy your slippers".

Guy goes the the doctor and doc says you'd better sit down.

Guy says what?

Doc says I'm afraid you've got cancer. Devastated he sits down and says cancer? Doc says its worse, you've got Alzheimers too.

Guy says well at least its not cancer...

"Doctor, Doctor, I can't feel my legs!".

"Yes, we had to amputate your arms this morning".

A famous cardiologist died.

A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When confronted, he said "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral – I'm a gynecologist,"

At that point, the proctologist fainted

Two African doctors are arguing in a hospital corridor.

The first doctor says “I am telling you it is whooom, w-h-o-o-o-m.”

The second doctor contradicts “And I am telling you, you are wrong it is definitely wooomh, w-o-o-o-m-h.”

A young nurse passing overhears, and being new on the job and keen to impress decides to intervene. “Excuse me doctors, but I can help. The word you are looking for is womb, w-o-m-b.

She walks on down the corridor feeling pleased with herself.

The first doctor turns to the second and says “Ignore her, she doesn’t know what she is talking about. I bet she has never even seen a hippopotamus, let alone heard one fart under water.”

I was in the doctor's reception and the nurse asked me what was wrong. I said "I've got a problem with my dick".

She berated me and told me to get out and in future to use a less offensive body part to politely indicate the problem.

After a quick smoke I came back in. "What's wrong with you?" she asked.

"I've got a problem with my ear", I said.

"And what's that?" she continued.

"I can't piss out of it".

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