Thread: Fifty Shades of Grey

'An Ode to Fifty Shades of Grey'

(In the style of Pam Ayres)

The missus bought a Paperback
down Shepton, Saturday,
I had a look in her bag;
...T’was “Fifty Shades of Grey”.

Well I just left her to it,
...At ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread…

In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down on the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn’t weathered well;
She’s eighty four next week.

Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
Things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled up upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said...
I must dominate her!!

Now if you knew our Mabel,
You’d see just why I spluttered,
I’d spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I’d muttered.

She stood there nude, naked like;
Bent forward just a bit ….
I thought oh well, what the hell,
and stood on her left tit!

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
“Step on the other one!”

Well readers, I can’t tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of Grey.

^Heh...There's hope for us, yet...

What a great movie for attracting chicks on Valentines day today, walked around town with my DIY gaffer tape , and another bullshit myth was sold to the dumb masses.
Sorry girls , who tried to pick Me up today, the gaffer tape was not for you, it was just a figment of your erotic imagination.

Originally Posted by wasabi

the gaffer tape was not for you

"I'm not weird about it...I don't tie myself up or anything."

-Tom Waits

As usual our friends at NewsBiscuit have their finger on the pulse:

‘Fifty Shades effect’ blamed for rise in stupid bullshit

Media analysts are warning that the impending release of the film ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ could lead to a sudden spike in spurious, made-up tosh in newspapers that could be used as an excuse to print a picture of a half-naked woman tied up and blindfolded in order to sell a few extra copies.
‘Recent days have seen stories in the press linked to the release of the film – that London’s fire chiefs are braced for an increase in calls to release people trapped in handcuffs and that B&Q in Tamworth issued a memo to its staff to be prepared for increased requests for items like rope, cable ties and duct tape,’ said Media Studies professor Colin Wade. ‘Except that it’s all a hoax and none of this really happened because even the British people aren’t that stupid. Well, not all of them anyway.’
’50 Shades of Grey’, starring Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson, is an adaptation of the inexplicable best seller by E.L. James, which took its title from the fact that 50 copies of it are currently available for 50p in every charity shop in the entire country. Cinemas are expecting huge crowds to come and see it on its Valentine’s Day release in order to check rumours that it isn’t quite as awful as the book and then go home together to have mildly disappointing sex.
‘Basically,’ added Professor Wade, ‘there is not going to be a spike in sales of chains, riding crops or anything else that sounds vaguely arousing until they actually try it to people who want to think they are a bit kinky. Ladies, there is not going to be a spike in the sudden availability of handsome, sensitive, mysterious multi-billionaires who have been waiting all their lives to meet you. And men, there is not going to be a spike in the number of unworldly 22-year-old virgins who’ll let you spank them. Not even from zero to one.’
‘The only thing there is going to be a spike in is stupid crap. And actually it might be a fairly ordinary day in that respect too, come to think of it. This is Britain in 2015 after all.’

?Fifty Shades effect? blamed for rise in stupid bullshit | NewsBiscuit

"Tie me kangaroo down, sport"...

-The artist formerly known as Rolf

Originally Posted by wasabi

Sorry girls , who tried to pick Me up today, the gaffer tape was not for you, it was just a figment of your erotic imagination.

... as they were a figment of yours...

It's a slightly above average porn movie with fairly good camera work, lighting, and really amateurish acting. What's all the noise about?

It's quite amusing to listen to the ranting from the feminist groups about the humiliation and exploitation of women in this lacklustre piece of fantasy, while the queues at the cinema are mostly female, looking to get off on a bit of BDSM......

Originally Posted by koman

while the queues at the cinema are mostly female, looking to get off on a bit of BDSM

Which reminds of going to a cinema in the early 70's to watch 'Women in love'. Me and my mate must have been the only men in a packed house.

Women have BAGS SEARCHED as they queue in Scottish cinema to see Fifty Shades of Grey

Women have BAGS SEARCHED as they queue in Scottish cinema to see Fifty Shades of Grey - Daily Record

^Looking for haggis, you think?...