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  1. #1
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Marathons and chicken Madras - they don't mix

    I sat straining on the shitter, my face a shade of deep crimson, a vein angrily pulsating in my temple. The battle had been won but the war was far from over. That can't be it, I had a curry last night - a Madras from the Khyber Pass, and as well as having a reputation for doubling up on the chilli, Vikram isn't exactly a stickler for a clean kitchen. I've seen mice, cockroaches, half a Bangladeshi village scuttling around in the bins at the back, and if you're lucky you might find Vikram himself out there - scratching his nuts and swigging from a can of Skol.

    I use the Khyber Pass because it's cheap and local, and despite his myriad shortcomings, Vikram is actually a reasonably decent chap - just don't shake his hand. Since witnessing the nut-scratching debacle I've always had my hands conveniently full while picking up my food from his establishment. The main issue I have with the Khyber Pass is that it does tend to leave one a little loose of bowel and the following day invariably results in total fucking carnage. Indeed the toilet is subjected to a sustained volley of rapid fire rectal waste.

    I was a little perplexed, therefore, as I now sat, turning through an angry burgundy hue, that today, today of all days, I was unable to complete my morning movement in a timely manner.

    I had a running race to attend in 45 minutes and the last thing I needed was to have my chances of a decent time thwarted by an inconvenient call of nature. But as much as I pushed, pulled, twisted, strained and stretched, the fucking faeces was simply not forthcoming.

    **************

    Lining up at the start and I'd completed this half marathon twice before and was therefore aware that starting towards the back of the field would likely leave me idling behind some 50-year-old behemoth called Barbara who is labouring under the illusion that the leggings she's currently sporting are making her butt pop. Newsflash, Babs. Your arse looks like a fucking lava field.

    Making my way to the front, the start gun went off and I was winning the race for about 2 metres. Thrilled with that little accomplishment I fell back to my usual spot in the middle of the pack and began tapping out a lovely little rhythm, making it to the halfway mark in my quickest time yet on this course.

    I was engaged in a cat and mouse battle with a young buck from the Horsham Harriers when the rumbling started. Yes, rumbling. There was a storm brewing in my large intestines and you best have a brolly because things are gonna get wet and wild. But of course I didn't have a brolly. I didn't have anything. I was in the middle of the fucking woods in the company of a thousand other people and I needed to expel a large quantity of cack from my anus in the next five seconds.

    The young buck from the Horsham Harriers looked a little perplexed as I pulled up, doubled over and scuttled deep into the woods. The problem with this was that the trails criss-crossed the immediate area meaning I was never more than 15 metres away from another group of runners trotting through. This therefore enhanced the risk of being arrested for being a scat fettishist.

    Cocked and loaded now and in what I thought to be an area sufficiently shrouded with vegetation I whipped down my pants, only to expose my tremendously large pair of buttocks to no other than Babs. Yes, that large twat of a women waddled passed as I reached the point of no return.

    I couldn't fucking believe it. Babs had overtaken me!

    Fuck you Babs. And fuck you Vikram, you unhygienic prick.
    Last edited by somtamslap; 11-09-2018 at 11:02 PM.

  2. #2
    Jail me Jack meoff's Avatar
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    Sounds like one of Aesop's Fables

  3. #3
    POTUS HOCUS
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    You can curry favour but you cam't hurry love


  4. #4
    disturbance in the Turnip baldrick's Avatar
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    Jeff would have paid to watch

  5. #5
    Isle of Discombobulation
    Chittychangchang's Avatar
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    You should have done what any self respecting hardcore marathon runner would have done....

    Babs lycra covered lava field was too much

  6. #6
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    Did you Vin ?


  7. #7
    Thailand Expat

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    a good hot madras should help with the RUNS.

  8. #8
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    Latindancer's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap View Post
    a sustained volley of rapid fire rectal waste.

    AntRobertson committed the written version of this just today !

  9. #9
    R.I.P.
    toslti's Avatar
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    Classic Somtamslap!!

  10. #10
    Custom user Neverna's Avatar
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    I can confirm that they don't mix with 10km races either.

  11. #11
    Thailand Expat klong toey's Avatar
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    Sounds like Babs sexually aroused you into the bushes to relieve the erection. But a sudden urge overcome you an a lose bowl movement replaced you're urge to masterbate.The flactulant mating call didn't interest Babs who waddle past you squatting in the bushes.You then decided to flagellate with stinging nettles to reach orgasm so the pursuit of Babs could continue thus insuring repeated sexual arousal.
    Fascists dress in black and go around telling people what to do, whereas priests... more drink!

  12. #12
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    This particular event has an MC who encourages applause for competitors crossing the finish line - so when I rocked up, scratched to buggery after having rooted around in the brambles for a likely place to drop my underpants, and covered in dirt having fallen over several times, the kindly Mic Controller - an old boy from the rotary club - said ' and here comes Slap (sniggering) looking a little battle worn' and everyone started laughing. If only they knew I still had an arsehole full of ferns.

    Still smashed more than two thirds of the field, so those people can rightly get fucked. Hurrumph!

  13. #13
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by klong toey View Post
    Sounds like Babs sexually aroused you into the bushes to relieve the erection.
    Babs was and is a filthy harlot who couldn't give a dog a bone. Why do fat women wear leggings. They should just wear old spud sacks or something. Or better still stay the fuck indoors.

  14. #14
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    Epic tale of fecal / athletic woes from Slap. Is this you.?Marathons and chicken Madras  - they don't mix-shtrunner-png

    Some other gruesome marathon tales here: https://www.houstonpress.com/news/fi...s-ever-6721713
    Attached Thumbnails Attached Thumbnails Marathons and chicken Madras  - they don't mix-shtrunner-png  

  15. #15
    Southern Expat Dillinger's Avatar
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    ^ thats why Babs wears leggings

    Those in the crowd look fukkin disgusted

  16. #16
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    ^^ Good grief! Smacks of Vikram, that does. Smacks of the fucker.

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