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  1. #1
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Mountain biking? Bollocks to mountain biking

    Yesterday in the UK it rained. A day-long deluge that gave the garden a much-needed dousing. We'd been without rain for at least 48-hours, you see, which is obvious cause for a hosepipe ban. "Quick!" cried Nicolas Whitchell on the 10 O' Clock news, "stop watering your fucking flowers before this place turns into the Sahara!"

    We Brits pretend we like heat and sunshine and balmy dry summer evenings, but we don't, we hate it - we can't handle the heat, anything above 20 degrees is a comfort zone breach. Give us a non-assuming steady drizzle -- or intermittent cloud cover at the very least -- and we can all go back to our cups of tea, soap operas and dark chocolate digestives - moaning about the weather as we labour on another mouthful. "Oh, that's an angry looking sky," says Hilda, momentarily shifting her gaze from Coronation Street to the brooding clouds outside. Leave the fucking sky be, Hilda - stop cunting off the sky you miserable twat, you know you love it.

    And so being a bank holiday currently, it's only expected, nay, natural, for the level of rain to be elevated from drizzle to sustained downpour, which in turn means that any time spent outside will result in the immediate saturation of every square inch of clothing, right down to the gusset of one's underpants.

    It was a shame, then, that several weeks ago I had booked and paid to enter my first ever mountain bike race which was held, of course, yesterday. A hundred riders lined up at the start, all soaked to the skin before the first pedal turn. All straddling the very latest in off-road cycling hardware. All clad in apparel featuring stitchless straps and heat-welded hems. All wearing expressions like someone had just likened their dear old mum to a rabid baboon. Yes, due to the ferocity of the rain nobody was really enjoying themselves very much, and upon the starting whistle a huge amount of pent-up aggression was released as competitors raced across the field and into the woods for the first singletrack foray.

    I hung back. People generally irritate me and I'm not normally one for sanctioned races and events... because it usually means having to suffer the presence of lots of other people. And on this occasion, battling to enter a 12 inch wide track with 100 snarling middle-class types didn't really appeal - in fact, I'm not sure why I entered this fucking thing in the first place.

    The only problem with idling towards the back was that in these inclement conditions the trails had soon become reduced to a thick syrupy sludge which - due to my inexperience - was nigh-on impossible to ride through. Every inch was a battle. Every metre a war. Every mile a cataclysmic inter-planetary Armageddon.

    Anyway, to cut a long story short (ahem) - I fell off. I fell off a fuck of a lot. The centrepiece of events being the impromptu meeting between my rib cage and a silver birch tree.

    So now, lying in bed, heavy bruising to each limb, my head and torso - I decided to supplement my bank holiday wank with this cautionary tale to you ...

    I guess the bottom line is move to Thailand and drink beer on the beach.

  2. #2
    Custom user Neverna's Avatar
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    A bottle of see-sip should sort you out, Slap. Or failing that, a bottle of red wine. Drink it up and get back on that bike. Por didn't get where he was by lying in bed feeling sorry for himself after colliding with a tree.

  3. #3
    Isle of Discombobulation
    Chittychangchang's Avatar
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    Mountain biking is for nutters.

    Drink beer on the beach in Thailand, sounds like the right plan.

  4. #4
    Southern Expat Dillinger's Avatar
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    Cool story bro.

    Nowadays, any hint of physical pain and I tend to go into shock like those goats and white out until someone poors a cold bottle of water down the back of my neck.

    On top of a mountain last year when I came off a scrambler and a couple of weeks ago in a go kart pit lane after getting back ended by my daughter at 40mph.

    Its for young people that sport thing.

    Talking of which-
    This would be a good test for you AO and Lulu.....

    Spartan Race, Inc. | Spartan Thailand 2018 | Overview

  5. #5
    Thailand Expat klong toey's Avatar
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    You need to find an event more suited to your specialist skills , thinking maybe masterbation endurance events.

  6. #6
    R.I.P. Luigi's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dillinger View Post
    This would be a good test for you AO and Lulu.....

    Spartan Race, Inc. | Spartan Thailand 2018 | Overview
    A good test of who dies first?


    Yes, that would be me.

  7. #7
    Southern Expat Dillinger's Avatar
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    ^ there's a 5km one there for you if you can't get into the kids 1.5km

  8. #8
    R.I.P. Luigi's Avatar
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    #tempted

  9. #9
    Isle of Discombobulation
    Chittychangchang's Avatar
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    Just drink 2 cans of Red Bull and think of the 20,000 baht first prize.

    Dill -It's not the winning that's important it's the taking part

    Any updates on your Mehkong river cycling mission with Barry lad Slaps?

  10. #10
    Southern Expat Dillinger's Avatar
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    ^ Any update on your Luigi-esque grand tour de Europa?

  11. #11
    R.I.P. Luigi's Avatar
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    Is flying over it not considered touring it?

  12. #12
    Isle of Discombobulation
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    Indeed I'll be flying overy Europe in 11 months for a month long tour of Asia.
    As for Europe, that's on the back burner till 2020 till I've saved up the 20k for the blue beatnik bus

  13. #13
    Thailand Expat klong toey's Avatar
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    A few safety tips for the would be 2 wheel riders out there title of the educational movie.
    Slaps and Dill cycle proficiency tutorial


  14. #14
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    Listen you Pratt, just move back to bloody Asia, i miss your stories too much.

    or just start writing again.

  15. #15
    Southern Expat Dillinger's Avatar
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    ^ harsh but fair

  16. #16
    Thailand Expat
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    Hey, at least you didn't have a heart attack. That's always the excuse I give my wife when I come from the hills leaking blood or have a limb barely connected.

  17. #17
    POTUS HOCUS
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap View Post
    the bottom line is move to Thailand
    like so many sodomites before, good moorah to you sir fine effort.

    I think the key thing with such madness as the Dynamo is to leave the bike at home and watch the others, my lawyer had a couple with his bro in New Southgate and fell orf before reaching the suburbs of the metroplois and now hospitalized I stayed in the Mudswell Inn as lomg as poss , the nearby Gurkha or Chipsteads White lion , steady Wandling with odd Rioja during lunch breaks .

    I hope once throughly dried out you'll return or even better return to LOS a welcome yadong and dose awaits chez Johnny Slapper, don't repeat don't sell yer arse as vindaloo vendor with a trumpet up yer rear

    Weaker in ABV means can quaff all day

    WANDLE - Sambrook's Brewery

    https://www.sambrooksbrewery.co.uk Beer WANDLE




    2.25 - ‎In stock
    Named after our local river, Wandle was the first beer that was brewed by Sambrook's back in 2008. Now multi-award winning, it is a delicious, balanced
    I used to have a job at a calendar factory.
    I got the sack because
    I took a couple of days off.

  18. #18
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by thailazer View Post
    Hey, at least you didn't have a heart attack.
    Yes, there is that I suppose.

  19. #19
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by klong toey View Post
    thinking maybe masterbation endurance events.
    Most wanks in an hour? That kind of deal? Unfortunately I'd probably flunk. Takes me a good hour of rectal (yes, rectal) stimulation to conjure up a suitable boner. Carrots have been known to aid the process.

  20. #20
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dillinger View Post
    Its for young people that sport thing.
    It's for those who have retained the ability to bounce rather than collapse into a crumpled heap and yes, scream... scream like a Thai girl who's just seen that the rice cooker is fresh out of the sacred grain.

  21. #21
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by Neverna View Post
    A bottle of see-sip should sort you out, Slap.
    I've scoured the shelves in Waitrose but the selfish fuckers don't sell it. Perhaps I should try Asda.

  22. #22
    Thailand Expat
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap View Post
    scream like a Thai girl who's just seen
    the bees leaving the hive he's been poking for 10 minutes and winning the 50m dash gold medal, after leaving Por to soak up the stingers.

    Kitten Skin signed copies ready yet?

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