Thread: The Isaan Farmhand

It's usually at this time of the year, directly after the rainy season, that the bread and butter, or should I say rice and fish sauce of the village, comes in the form of what the locals refer to as huck kaport which literally translates into 'snap corn'.
Every unskilled farmhand worth his salt can be found gathering early in the AM around local shops, imbibing motivational tipples of Lao Khao before a hard day's work consumes.

But is it really that hard? Are these folks really pulling there skeletal torsos when it comes to a day's labour in the sun-scorched fields of Issan?
Corn (invariably animal feed around here rather than sweetcorn) harvesters are paid 40 baht per large hessian sackful and usually work in in boyfriend/girlfriend or husband and wife teams. Surely there is scope here to live relatively well with the option of saving a few shillings for a rainy day...but their perpetually empty wallets would suggest otherwise.

So when a neighbour visited us a few weeks ago complaining that he had 8 rai of corn ready for harvesting but he'd have to wait for a team of workers to finish their current project, I took this as a perfect opportunity to infiltrate the third world unskilled labour sector.

He agreed, naturally, and I would commence work the following morning.

Originally Posted by somtamslap

perfect opportunity to infiltrate the third world unskilled labour sector.

SCAB!

So the next morning I rose at 7 'o clock and as part of the farmhand's protocol went to the local shop. Surrounded by my irritable peers who had yet to consume their sufficient quota of alcohol, I forewent the lao khao ritual in favour of a 6 baht bottle of Dutch Mill Fruits of the Forest and headed back towards my place of work.
My initial attire for this project consisted of a pair of trainers, tracksuit bottoms, a t-shirt and a baseball cap..but I would soon find these totally inadequate.

Not much of a view in the fields..

I hope this thread warms up a bit...

By the time my self-allocated lunch hour, 1pm, had rolled around, I looked back at an unsatisfactory trail of destruction.



Not only had the morning been spent unproductively but I was also in a fair amount of pain. My hands looked like they'd been grated and my arms were on fire as a result of a cloudless sky.

I went to the local restaurant, consoled myself with a bowl of noodle soup and pondered a plan of attack for the afternoon.

Originally Posted by somtamslap

a t-shirt

Originally Posted by somtamslap

and my arms were on fire

Before you hit 'the shop' tonight, better hit the chemist for some Vitamin E or aloe vera cream. You're gonna be in a world of pain.

I made a slight alteration to my attire by putting on a jumper and continued working for the rest of the afternoon - absolutely dripping with sweat. By the time the sun began to set even the flies started to find me offensive and I was rather hoping the natural repellent I was omitting would stave off any neighbourhood snakes. I hadn't seen any yet but they were around for sure - the amount of damage to certain sections of the field caused by rats and mice suggested that Curtis the Cobra was here with an abundant following.

Day two arrived and after breakfasting on another six bahts worth of Dutch Mill, I began work again. The power of the sun deemed it prudent for me to make a beeline towards one of the few mango trees on the field where shade could be sort.

Originally Posted by somtamslap

Day two arrived and after breakfasting on another six bahts worth of Dutch Mill, I began work again.

You went back for more??? Fuking lunatic...

Monsieur Slap, you've skipped the most important part: what are you actually doing? What is your modus operandi vis~a~vis the harvesting of the crop? Are you facing it down with bare hands or employing some kind of post bronze-age weaponry? Take us through the process from go to whoah, if you would.

The spoils after two days of hard work..



Very little. About three sacks worth infact. So approximately 16 hours of labour I have managed to reap the princely total of 120 baht..or 60 baht per day, if you like.

I must be doing something fundamentally wrong. I would have to make some stealthy inquiries at the shop.

Originally Posted by WilliamBlake

Monsieur Slap, you've skipped the most important part: what are you actually doing? What is your modus operandi vis~a~vis the harvesting of the crop?

Just getting to that, Will..

^ don't do it; you can get 50 baht per hour for teaching English in that neck of the woods; 16 hours would be 800 baht - I know you'd be moving down the evolutionary scale, but think of the inreased money!

That evening I went to the local shop under the pretense of liberating a pair of yoghurts, a pound of tomatoes and a yard of Ya-Dong. But pumping the local farmers for corn yielding information was my main purpose:

At the Shop

Slap: Hey, buddy. How was your day?

Professional Farmhand: Oh, you know, so, so.

Slap: So, you've been harvesting the ol corn have you?

PF: Everyday. Every fucking day!

Slap: How many sacks (ka-sorb to the locals) did you fill today?

PF: Only 18.

Slap: WHAT? How the fuck did you do that? No, really, how the FUCK did you do that?

PF: I normally manage 20 but I'm getting old.

Slap: You do this alone??

PF: No, with my wife. I throw the corn into several large piles and she takes the husks off.

Slap: I seeeeeeeeeee...

Get grandma on the case.

^ that's incest...

After recieving a stare which could floor a lesser indivdual from my wife, I concluded that I should make certain alterations should I wish to make this venture more productive. Now sporting garb which included a balaclava and a pair of woolen gloves, day three started with a spirited charge into the middle of the corn field...'Come on then, you TWAT'

I took heed of the wizened codger's words and rather than separate the corn from the husks as I went, threw them into unhusked piles thus:



This started to work quite nicely in my favour. I'd spend the morning creating piles like a corn crazed lunatic and the afternoon separating the corn from their husks (I used a pencil to free them) whilst listening to audio books on my mobile phone.

This is past tense, gents. The jobs already been done...

Steal one of these from somewhere and move it around the field and work underneath it.



Then when the locals start to get jealous set up a stall next to your local shop and start selling them.

As the days and indeed weeks went by, I became more efficient. 2 Sacks in 2 days turned into 2 sacks per day, then 3 then 4 then 5..

I was beginning to thoroughly enjoy it, which is possibly reflected in the ever increasing pile..



and the now fallow field..

Originally Posted by somtamslap

he had 8 rai of corn ready

From the illustrations there doesn't seem to be much of an impact on the 8 rai, That "shade" tree seems to be in them all. how much, in rai, are you clearing each day.

Why don't you leave the stalks standing and just slice off the husks?

^^ We've got one of those..didn't think to bring it out though. I may have been shot for resembling a homosexualist.

Bet your tool is as big as this.

Originally Posted by OhOh

Why don't you leave the stalks standing and just slice off the husks?

So you can see where you've been..

Originally Posted by somtamslap

I may have been shot for resembling a homosexualist.

Resembling?

Conclusion:

The life of an Issan farmhand is by no means easy, but if you are cautious with regards to the weather and wear the correct clothing, limit yourself to Lao Khao on a little and often basis and most imporatntly of all, have a large selection of audio books and podcasts on your mobile telephone, you can live a rich and fulfilling existance.

Also..you show me a fat farmhand and I'll show you a fucking gland complaint.