Page 2 of 4 FirstFirst 1234 LastLast
Results 26 to 50 of 95
  1. #26
    Being chased by sloths DJ Pat's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Last Online
    @
    Posts
    18,765
    As Chas and Dave said, there ain't no pleasin' you.

  2. #27
    Thailand Expat
    Marmite the Dog's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Last Online
    08-09-2014 @ 10:43 AM
    Location
    Simian Islands
    Posts
    34,827
    Quote Originally Posted by baldrick
    So why did you come to thailand if its full of a people you believe are like this ?
    To come back to the warm bosom of his own people.
    Last edited by Marmite the Dog; 24-06-2006 at 11:36 AM.

  3. #28
    Member
    hirondelle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Last Online
    24-10-2011 @ 09:53 AM
    Posts
    477
    Oh I read part 1 but I think I missed part 2. I love how you write this story - and see a lot of my old fucked up relationship in it. How, even though I hated it and was unhappy, always secretly looking for an excuse to get out I still did things to protect it. You are very perceptive in the way you analyse emotions / motivations - and don't distance yourself with a facade of bravado; sometimes almost painfully honest. Thanks again for sharing.

  4. #29
    nid aur yw popeth melyn
    britmaveric's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Last Online
    @
    Location
    Pattaya
    Posts
    4,319
    Great story - look for last bits. Great material for tele show!!

  5. #30
    Being chased by sloths DJ Pat's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Last Online
    @
    Posts
    18,765
    Stll trying to piece together a last part AND put all of them together to be put in the famous threads section....

  6. #31
    Being chased by sloths DJ Pat's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Last Online
    @
    Posts
    18,765

    When I was married to a Thai girl, PART 3

    You may need to re-read part 2 for a recap as this continues exactly where it left off.

    "No offence Anthony but I'm not lookin for anything with this gal, I'm just tagging along to keep you company, and as I am doing you this favour, a few drinks thrown in my direction would be appreciated"

    "Ya man, you leave dat to me, mate" He said in a sarcastic cockney accent.

    "Where we goin' anyway? I aint struggling to hear myself think in no R'n'b club you know, my mate is a disc jockey at the Cheers bar in Piccadilly"

    "Pat, I don't drive a Ford Capri anymore you know, my name ain't Dave and Tracey ain't sitting next to me" Anthony was sarcastic again

    "And these two aren't dancing round handbags either, here they come" I could see the two girls from the shopping centre approach the front door through the living room window.
    "So Cheers Bar it is then, with DJ Mike and Pat on the decks" I made the cliched DJ scratching motion with my hand to emphasis my point.

    "Ok but the second I hear any boyband shit on that dancefloor I'm leaving" Anthony said.

    "Ok, ok, you're style will not be cramped whatsoever, now are you ready?"

    "Yes"

    "Then fucking smile, the door's gonna go any second" And on cue, the doorbell rang.

    I opened the door to be very pleasantly surprised, two girls of Eastern European persuasion stood there, around 22-24 years old, pretty, slim and two very beaming smiles.

    "Is Anthony in? You are Plastic?" "Patrick" I corrected her, "and you?"

    "Edyta, and this is Anna, my friend"

    As I was not sure which was 'mine' I decided to show them into the front room where Anthony was making some drinks.

    "So whats brewin' bro?" I said as I led the girls in and sat them down. I went over and said quietly out the side of my mouth, "which is mine?" Anthony looked at me.

    "Yours? Whayya mean yours?, anyone you want man, I ain't fussed at all"

    "But I thought you chatted the blonde one up, Edyta"
    "Ok you take Anna then"

    "Take?" I gave him a funny look, grabbed a drink, swung round and promptly knocked the drink to the floor with my clumsiness.
    "Shit, what a fool" I said

    "Get a tissue" Anna said and swifly went to the kitchen to get a cloth

    "Show me an english girl who would do that" Anthony slyly said to me

    "Do what?"

    "Clean this mess up without no hesitaion bro, these Eastern bloc gals are trained up man" he clapped his hands together loudly.

    We arrived at the Cheers bar, a typical mainstream club that played all the mainstream pop and dance music. The two DJs I was pretty familiar with and had worked with. Mike Russo was a busy travelling DJ who played just about everywhere except the radio, and Pat (Sharp) was already an established radio star in London and the UK, on both radio and TV. they gave us the obligatory shouts on the mic and we got fairly drunk and had fun.
    After a while I slumped down tired and Edyta handed me a drink, a Long Island ice tea. "Cheers" I said and nodded toward the replica Cheers bar they had installed nearby.

    Anthony wandered over and knocked back a gin and tonic. "Bro' it's time to get back to mine for smokin and a late one, you joinin'?"

    "Sure, what about you?" I said looking at the girls

    As we pulled up outside our block I noticed that my front room light was on and the TV was flashing. That was odd for this time of night. I didn't care anyway, I thought.

    The night went pretty ok, Edyta was going to spend the night at Anthonys, and after a few drinks I made my excuses and left.

    I hadn't felt one thing for Anna at all, and we'd just smiled at eachother for most of the night, neither of us making that extra step. I honestly could not be bothered.

    I went into my front room to find my wife watching our wedding video with tears rolling down her cheeks. I carried on into the kitchen and there was a pizza on the side. "For you" my wife shouted.

    My wife has bought me a pizza? Whats the deal here?

    Then I saw her bag. There was a brochure for a satellite TV system that could recieve Thai channels, so it said. As far as I was aware this was not possible. The price? Over 1000 British pounds sterling, or around $1800 US. Hmmm.

    The watching of the wedding tape, the tears, the pizza, the brochure, she'll try and seduce me next, then guess what?

    I refused the pizza, told her i was tired and went and had a bath.

    Afterwards I rolled a spliff and sat on the sofa next to her smoking it, deliberately so she would smell the smoke. I then used the remote to whack off the damned wedding and changed it to some nationwide football show on TV. I turned up the volume, whacked off the lights, grabbed a beer and slammed my feet up on the coffee table loudly.

    "Huh" she said as she stormed out, slamming the door behind her.

    Ten minutes later I heard her on the phone to Thailand as usual, this time as she spoke she seemed to be choking back tears.

    The following day at the restaurant she was telling all the Thai staff that I smoked ganja and that I was drinking most nights. She was right, but a man has his dark corners doesn't he? They were all talking like I had a serious affliction, and my wife asked me in front of everyone if I would like to go into "hospitan" (her pronounciation). "If you wanna pay for it, then yes, but I'm sure I'll be the one paying, and you'll just be the one getting my money out of your purse" I said very sarcastically, and stormed outside for a cigarette.

    My mate Dieo laughed out loudly and my wife glared at him. He instantly went back to a straight face. She was that kind of person. I hated that. She was able to do that at first but I was wiser and wiser to her shit by the day.

    Then Magda, my co-worker took me to one side and said “Why does your wife be so superficial, she has no personality of her own at all, she’s a soulless shell of a person that just screams at you Pat, you deserve better than that bitch, sorry to be honest”

    Mag, another Polish girl and a Bridget Jones lookalike, also intervened "She's a horrible girl, you know she upset Jeab over something really pathetic" Jeab was one of the Thai waiteresses."It's written all over your face Patrick, you've been a fool to yourself"

    Pablo, the deputy manager also interjected “Pat we know your dilemma man, we can all be together in this we are your friends, we should all talk, remember that”

    I was touched for real. Not only did I only know these people for a matter of months to two years but they must have been watching, observing, discussing as well as taking notes for almost two years.

    It made me feel like I now had a team. I could no longer be the polite smiling guy who was married to a friend of the Thai kitchen staff. I could no longer be the guy who wouldn’t divulge much about his private life or talk much about well, anything at all.

    I must have appeared as an arrogant know it all **** to these staff and all along they were feeling my pain, well, in a way. I wouldn’t let them in to my world at all, I could see that Pablo wanted to talk about girls and the like but I was that uppity already married type who didn’t need that any more.

    Then there was Patrick, the guy from New Zealand studying a TEFL certificate to work in China was a great guy too, but I wouldn’t allow them to get close to me. Was it because I feared they would find out my fraudulent existence? Or suss it out? Or had they already? It seemed so.

    It was decided without my knowledge that our flat was to be the venue for one of the Thai kitchen staff’s birthday party. I had no say in the matter and I never bothered to invite any friends of my own round either.

    Problem was I did not want the Thai staff to know that I smoked ganja nor that our marriage was in question. And, what was she going to do? Spend the night in the bedroom chatting on the phone while they partied in the front room? I sure wasn’t in the mood to host the conversation.

    Maybe I could duck out to Anthony’s place? He was out.

    I ended up setting up a TV and video in the bedroom and staying in there with the cat, popping into the living room, side stepping all the Thais sat on the floor playing cards to grab the odd chicken drumstick or beer. One of my Thai friends, Dieo, watched a load of fights with me, he was a local boxer who had attended school in Kent, and whose Thai family in Bangkok were big in architecture, or did I mis-hear that as agriculture?

    The night went ok with my wifes voice as always being the loudest out of the whole room, a horrible, cackling screeching howl at times. One virtue of hosting these kind of parties was that for days after I could invite Anthony and his ‘homies’ over and tell them how good a cook I was, as we had stacks of food left over, fish, chicken, crabs, prawns, oysters, big bowls of fried rice, noodles, the whole lot lasted for days on end.

    “Thailand must be like Jamaica” Anthony very cleverly announced one afternoon in front of his brother Michael and friend Erroll.

    “I mean the beaches and shit, the trees and coconuts, the people are almost black, Tiger Woods is Filipino right?”

    “Thai, his mother is Thai right?” I wasn’t sure as I was trying to be factual.

    “Pat I would never touch your countries women, no offence” said Michael “I heard all kinds of shit about Thai bitches, all that darts and shit” He was almost serious.

    .“I wouldn’t touch any Jamaican girls with a barge pole either if you wanna be like that, in fact I never wanna taste pink pussy either mate” I retaliated

    “Stop reading The Sun man” Errol chipped in.

    “Wanna know what the world thinks of Engliah gal?, Boy they are loose man, even the waiters in Turkey fuck them in the restaurant bogs”

    "Oh piss off with that bollocks" Anthony shouted from the kitchen

    “You lot wanna chill with that shit, I heard worse about Tenerife” Michael added “Tener-grief more like” he added.

    I was curious. "So what about you black folks, who runs things regarding the purse strings and all that?"

    Anthony wanted to answer but Michael jumped in first "You ain't had no black woman for years my brother, you been cotchin' (slang for staying) with that Mafioso bitch for the last four years", referring to his long term Italian girlfriend.

    "And, you wanna watch out I ain't be callin' you no Uncle Tom, white bitch lover" Michael always got at his younger brother over this.

    "Hey my girl ain't be lookin like no Macy Gray mampee ass overweight bitch" Anthony countered

    "Who? Who's gal looks like Macy? Mine? Your saying my girl wears them glasses and donkey jacket?, hey at least I'm loyal to my sisters, I'm not the one goin on like the black pimp" Michael said with scorn.

    Cut it out man you sound like Chris Rock having an argument with himself in the mirror" Erroll joked.

    It was these kinds of days that I enjoyed and really hated them being ruined by my wife who would turn the air sour simply by just coming home. It was like, she would arrive home and a procession of black men would leave. Bi-curious skeptics would have a field day.

    Procession of black men you say?

    You may well be curious, well it goes back to my childhood where the white kids at school, this was the late 1970s remember, would be fascanated by where I came from. I was a bit Chinese, they thought, so they called me a Chinese. Nobody had heard of Thailand, especially white kids in north London in the '70s. The black kids still got a bit of grief, and during playtime when everyone wanted to play football together, the white kids thought of a black vs. whites format.

    After much squabbling I played for the 'black' team and most of my early school friends were the local black kids. Ditto my older sister, she hung with their older sisters two years above. Growing up was also interesting on a council estate, but that is not why you are reading this.

    Did my wife never realize that she could change the atmosphere in one stroke? She would walk in to the flat and not acknowledge anybody, really arrogant it seemed. At first my friends were a bit taken aback but then when I told them the current situation they would make conversation with her like:

    "So a hard day cookin'?" Anthony joked to her another time, when she was looking really stern and miserable.

    She replied "Ya, many cutomer order gaeng kiaow wan gai, fallung crazy green curry a lot, many people come today want go to a gogo in Bangkok, they tell staff about Patpong" and she giggled falsely.

    I glared at her in disapproval, knowing she was just being a sarcastic cow.

    "What's Patpong?" Anthony was puzzled and looked at me. I shrugged and nodded to my wife, "tell him" I said.

    "Patpong where falang touriss go for a shopping and eat Thai food and see gatoy show and gogo bar hahaha"

    "What?" he was puzzled and raised his eyebrows at me

    "Never mind" I sighed and showed Anthony out.

    One day one of my colleagues, the pessimistic Thai girl (who I loved for her openness), Yaow, told me that she had overheard my wife on the phone to someone about me,and told me later on that she suspected that my 'wife' didn't love me, but loved me for my ability to get her " indefinite leave to remain" from the British Government via our marriage and the fact that I was a British national.

    I had blacked out the thought of her and the visa thing deliberately from my mind for fears of believing it but it was inevitably coming to light. Yaow was miserable, but right. I thanked her and told her to keep me posted on any other developments.

    And she did.

    To be continued again.

  7. #32
    ding ding ding
    Spin's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Last Online
    @
    Posts
    12,606
    great first few lines, I'll read the rest of it next time i get a week off work

  8. #33
    Thailand Expat
    Marmite the Dog's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Last Online
    08-09-2014 @ 10:43 AM
    Location
    Simian Islands
    Posts
    34,827
    Quote Originally Posted by DJ Pat
    ou may well be curious, well it goes back to my childhood where the white kids at school, this was the late 1970s remember, would be fascanated by where I came from. I was a bit Chinese, they thought, so they called me a Chinese. Nobody had heard of Thailand, especially white kids in north London in the '70s. The black kids still got a bit of grief, and during playtime when everyone wanted to play football together, the white kids thought of a black vs. whites format. After much squabbling I played for the 'black' team and most of my early school friends were the local black kids. Ditto my older sister, she hung with their older sisters two years above. Growing up was also interesting on a council estate, but that is not why you are reading this.
    I was wonderin' why you is a bit gangsta!

  9. #34
    Member classic-chassis's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Last Online
    26-07-2011 @ 11:41 AM
    Location
    Bangkok
    Posts
    81
    no need!!!!

  10. #35
    Being chased by sloths DJ Pat's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Last Online
    @
    Posts
    18,765
    Quote Originally Posted by Marmite the Dog
    Quote Originally Posted by DJ Pat
    ou may well be curious, well it goes back to my childhood where the white kids at school, this was the late 1970s remember, would be fascanated by where I came from. I was a bit Chinese, they thought, so they called me a Chinese. Nobody had heard of Thailand, especially white kids in north London in the '70s. The black kids still got a bit of grief, and during playtime when everyone wanted to play football together, the white kids thought of a black vs. whites format. After much squabbling I played for the 'black' team and most of my early school friends were the local black kids. Ditto my older sister, she hung with their older sisters two years above. Growing up was also interesting on a council estate, but that is not why you are reading this.
    I was wonderin' why you is a bit gangsta!
    Well, I'm ashamed to say that said estate is now the scene of pitched battles between gangs of chavs, male and female.

  11. #36
    Thailand Expat

    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Last Online
    @
    Location
    In a rather cold and dark place
    Posts
    12,823
    You don't think you just bored her so much Pat that she decided to be a complete bitch to you? Just a thought you know.

  12. #37
    Being chased by sloths DJ Pat's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Last Online
    @
    Posts
    18,765
    ^^Quite possibly

  13. #38
    Newbie
    benhat's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Last Online
    06-09-2017 @ 08:53 PM
    Posts
    11
    im sure that ewe is welsh!!

  14. #39
    Being chased by sloths DJ Pat's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Last Online
    @
    Posts
    18,765
    Welsh? Me? Sorry but I'm not.

  15. #40
    Being chased by sloths DJ Pat's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Last Online
    @
    Posts
    18,765

    When I was married to a Thai girl, THE FINAL CUT

    "So why do you want to go back to Pattaya?" I was asked for the umpteenth time.

    "I just wanna get the place and all that stuff out of my system so to speak" I replied

    "How? You mean two weeks of relentless whoring? You make my brother look like a priest man " Anthony was getting too quizical for my liking

    "Why don't you join me and find out then" I said, knowing that he was as broke as a tramps string vest.

    "I could apply for a loan" he replied optimistically

    "Don't even go there, stop being a hopeless optimist" I said as I was leaving his flat.

    "Bring me back some rizla will ya?"

    "Who says I'm coming back here?"

    "You're locked out you fool"

    He was right. I was locked out of my own flat by a girl who wasn't even my wife any more but still had the imaginary illusion that she was pulling the strings.

    I had bought an Amstrad e-mailing machine because I couldn't afford a computer (and had no idea how to use one) and I was getting requests from work clients to be available more and more often during the day to recieve documents and other items via email, so the Amstrad contraption was an ideal compromise.

    And bloody contraption it was. You couldn't recieve rich text documents on it and it had a green screen. I had to hope clients would send me plain text format, because as far as they knew, I had a pc. Once I had to 'wing it' at a meeting and make out I had read all recieved documents when I hadn't read one word, as all rich text at my end came out as mumbo jumbo, like when you press all the keys at the same time on a keyboard. needless to say I didn't get that contract with that client.

    Thank Christ though. They were corporate solicitors, one of the most miserable bunch of people to play disco music to.

    The (ex) wife assumed the e-mailer was so I could "Keep touch with a-go-go girl in Thailand", and as a 'punishment' she had taken my keys out of my jeans during the night as I was asleep in the living room. Just so I couldn't use the thing. Why the hell did she bloody care any more? I was intruiged.

    I called her to ask how the bloody hell I was going to feed the cat and she gave me one of her cackling, "knowing-that-she-had-fucked-me-over" laughs so I hung up on her and went to Anthony's place. Fucking bitch was getting tiresome.

    "I'll come back out with you so you don't forget the rizla" Anthony said sarcastically.

    "I could borrow the cash off my brother you know, he owes me"

    "Why don't you then and I'll be going to Mr.Sunil's office on wednesday to enquire about fares" I replied, knowing for sure that I'd be travelling alone.

    "Ok I'll get it by tuesday, ok?" He sounded alarmingly sure.

    We bought some beer and went back to his. He showed me some Latvian porn he'd obtained from his brother and one scene had a very close up view of a man whose penis was almost 14 inches long. He was standing a foot away from a woman but could still penetrate her.

    "You know, I used to be able to wank over a good porno when I was younger but this shit's extreme porn" I whined, "everythings gone OTT nowadays" Anthony said, "most gals I get up here are into anal and demand it" He was gloating now.

    "Shut up for fucks sake, I'm going home" I slammed the door behind me and went and home to ring my own doorbell. "it's horrible standing here at my door" I thought, "no wonder no **** come to visit...apart from my dad"

    I sat up that night watching old fight videos, over and over again. I was stoned.

    That's what smoking did to me, and that's how life was becoming. I wanted out of it but the other option is only death. I don't suppose they have Amstrad E-mailer machines in hell, but little did I know..........

    I had to get to Pattaya so I could finally get one over on a girl. To do what my wife thought I'd already done anyway. May as well do it then. Any way, any how, I just had to do it, just fuck someone's life up in return for someone fucking up mine, almost, but I was selfish.
    Terrible thought really, that I'd want to hurt an innocent person for something they had no idea about but that's how I felt, and the first thing I had to do was buy an air ticket.

    "We got 455 via Frankfurt on Lufthansa" said my travel agent scratching his unshaven chin.
    "Come on you can do better than that" I sighed

    "Or 477 via Amman but it's an overnight stop, 14 hours, but it includes the hotel and all meals etc on Royal Jordanian" he continued.

    "Hang on, I'll just check some details on that"

    He made the call and then turned to me smiling.

    "Safir Hotel, it's a decent place they say" He said

    In normal circumstances I would relish an extra break in the middle east but staying in Amman for one night would only frustrate me. I wanted to get to Thailand as quick as I could and I could picture myself pacing up and down the hotel room in Amman or propping up the bar til 5am telling my entire life story to a stranger at the bar.

    As it worked out, I would be telling my life story once again to Anthony at that bar. He called me to tell my the 'good' news.

    "Ok bro I got two grand cash in my hand right now blood"

    "You sure"

    "Sure as the bear shits in the forest blood"

    "Ok I hope you like the food"

    "I could eat crispy duck and pancakes all day man"

    "So could I but we ain't goi' to Hong Kong....yet, talk to you in about an hour when I get back"

    I turned back to the travel agent..

    "Ok I'll take that flight, two tickets now..but what's the arrangement for the return leg?"

    "Three hours in Amman, enough time to stock up on cheap fags and booze to sell to your mates" He laughed, it was strange to hear that sentence in an Indian accent, but Mr. Sunil was always a star, he was used to me barging into his pokey little office in Denmark Street and asking to fly to Bangkok that afternoon, or the next day, and he always came up with a ticket. If he didn't then he knew a place that did.

    It saved me dealing with rip off joints like Airline Centre and Benz travel who offered cheap tickets but with lists of conditions a mile long. And extra taxes.

    Mr Sunil's quotes were the prices. You didn't need to ask if it included tax or had sugar on top.

    I got back to Anthony's place. The wife wasn't due home until midnight so I had four hours to kill at Anthonys as his mates came and went at regular intervals. They all had been filled in on what I was planning and they coined the patois phrase "Blood clot pussy head" because they thought it had taken over my life. In a way it had but I wasn't ready to believe it. Yet.

    "We're going on tuesday afternoon" I announced to his mates "Stick that in yer pipe and smoke it..anyone else wanna join us on our honeymoon?"

    "You wanna slow down with that gay shit, I notice that you ran out last night when I put that porno on, whats wrong you play fr the pink team now?"
    Anthony was kidding then slapped me on the back

    "I gotcha back haven't I...bring on them Singapore bitches, we're going to Pattaya"

    "Thai bitches" Erroll corrected him. "Thai, as in Thailand you black fool, don't be coming back with any STD's ok?, if you do then you've broken the negro players code of pussy, understand?"

    We arrived at Heathrow early to allow extra time for the so-called 'extra security' clearances that were in place. Apart from being asked if I was carrying matches or lighter fluid, everything was just as it normally was. The flight to Amman was a pretty smooth 6 hours and the plane was half empty since many had refused to fly with middle eastern airlines, never mind fly to the middle east itself.

    We touched down in Amman. It was hot, bright and I was still hungover from hours earlier where myself and Anthony had consumed two bottles of Italian red wine that I'd given him for Christmas the year before.

    I felt hazy and nauseous, and I flopped on to my bed as soon as I went to my rather small but very comfortable room at the Safir hotel.

    I woke up a few minutes later and realised I'd been asleep almost seven hours and had missed both lunch and afternoon tea. I wouldn't normally give a damn but because it was all paid for in advance by the airline, there were set times and places that you were fed.
    So any grub I had now would have to be paid for. Damn.

    Unlike being put up when DJ-ing somewhere exotic, you certainly didn't have freedom of both menu and room service.

    Anthony was eating a huge plate of spaghetti in the lobby and he'd just woken up about an hour earlier but was on his fourth pina colada.

    "I could live here and be an arab you know" he said sensibly.

    "Sure you could, I'm going to try the local cuisine, you got fifty quid til later?"

    The bar was populated by a few Brits on their way to Bangkok who were furious that they had to 'endure' a long stopover en route to their Pattayan paradise. Two had paid over 600 pounds with a commercial travel agent in Stockport and were vowing never to use them again.

    If only they trusted Indian men down side streets, they'd have saved as much as I did, I thought smugly

    We touched down in Bangkok and headed straight for the 'limo' to take us to Pattaya.

    Anthony was convinced of all the horror stories he'd heard on BBC's 'holidays from hell' show and was literally counting his bags.

    "What did you bring? A spare pair of shoes for all eleven players?"

    "Gotta be prepared man, preparation is the name of the game, if I lose one bag then at least I have full sets of clothes and shoes in each bag, I'll always be fully clothed"

    "That's only on budget airlines that get you to Lanzarote for a tenner" I assured him

    "They are garunteed to steal your luggage in return" I laughed as we pulled up at View Talay condos.

    "This is nice, real living man, I'll be in the pool in twenty minutes, fancy some food?"

    "You're keen, yeah order me a club sandwich, don't let the Germans take my sunlounger, whatever you do"

    "British bastard" Anthony said as the lift door slid shut.

    The first night I was showing Anthony the sights of Pattaya, did the 'playing it safe' act of eating at Sizzlers and then headed down Walking Street where Anthony's black Jamaican man style of walking was getting him attention from a lot of girls.

    Well that's what he thought it was anyway.

    I didn't really want to spoil his illusion by telling him that we were merely just 'pawns in the game'.

    We ended up at a bar called "best corner" on and I caught the eye of a chick I immedietly wanted to have sexual relations with. An upstairs room was booked and when I returned downstairs I saw that Anthony had bought five girls all a meal from the adjoining restaurant and had bar-fined them all. He sat laening back in a sofa type chair with his arms stretched across the back like some kind of mafia figure. It was an amusing scene, I must say.

    The girl I had bar-fined wasn't really that enthusiastic about anything at all and I had already made the mistake of deciding that she was going to be my 'girlfriend' for my holiday. I asked if she wanted to come shopping - just her and me - I thought these girls jumped at that kind of thing - She flatly refused, quite rudely too. I was so sure these girls waited for nice guys like me to come along rather than the usual drunken fat slobs with saliva dripping out of their mouths.

    The fact was, those drunken fat slobs with spit dripping down their chins flashed large amounts of cash, whereas the likes of me did not.

    Still, I thought I was in with a shout.

    The girl agreed to stay with me and told me she'd be at the salon until 11pm then come to my place. I was so happy I went back to the room and took a shower and sat on the balcony, waiting to see the motorbike carrying her pull in. It was 11pm.

    Anthony had decided to enjoy the facilities of the bar brfore going back to his place and the last I saw had bought seven B-52 cocktails. He was having a blast.

    "Why you being so uptight bro?"

    "Me? Uptight? how?"

    "Relax man, it's been what? Nine hours since we landed and you're already made an arrangement with one hoe? I thought you were lettin loose not re-doing the wedding vows"

    "I'm just scared I won't meet a better girl than that so why not book her now?" I was being insecure, he was right.

    "I'm going back to wait for her" I said as I left to go back to view talay.

    So, as I sat there on the balcony, it was now 12.30am, still no show from her, I had taken a piss six times due to nerves and was chainsmoking to pass the time. I coughed up a lump of dark green phlegm and spat it over the edge.

    Now it was 2am and I was hungry. I could slip downstairs and grab some food but what if she turns up? I can't chance it. Where the hell is she anyway? Them salons take ages I know, maybe she's having her hair straightened or something.

    She turned up at 3.15am, pissed and with a friend who was out of it on something.

    I tried to kiss her when she entered the room but she pused me to one side and headed for the fridge. "Got any whisky?" she slurred

    "Sure, up there, why you late then?"

    "My friend sick with boyfren so I stay with her take care"

    "Who's your friend?"

    "This is Lek"

    "Hi, Lek pleased to meet you" I held out my hand and she lurched forward to shake it and almost fell over.

    "Lek boyfren Craig David"

    "Really? he came to Pattaya?"

    "Yeah he come bar and dance with all girl"

    "Wow, you know he's english same as me?" I was trying to get on some kind of level with this girl but she either wasn't having it, or just didn't get it.

    Lek stood up and offered to leave so as we could "make love" and my girl offered to go with her to get a bike and said she'd be back in ten minutes.

    I fell asleep after they left and had given up on the evening being any kind of success.

    I was woken at 6am by a loud knocking at the door. I looked through the peephole to see my girl standing there sticking her middle finger up to the peephole. 'cheeky' I chuckled to myself.

    She barged in and put the TV on then switched on the stereo and put Blue's "All Rise" on at loud volume. She sat up on the bed and gave me a horrible scowl as if to say 'and what? you think I'm so easy?'

    I hated her but was hooked. But I wanted to get back to sleep or better still get my leg over. I asked her and she laughed at me and called her friend on the phone. She spoke some kind of Cambodian dialect and then said that Lek was coming over.

    Over my dead body was she. I'd had enough all of a sudden.

    "Tell you what, both of you meet downstairs and fuck off, here's two thousand baht" She took the money and swiftly left shouting "fucking ****" as she ran down the hall.

    Who was the mug here?

    The next day at midday I saw Anthony at the pool with two pretty girls I remembered seeing at the bar.

    "Had a great night of per-narni?" (patois slang for "pussy") He asked me grinning broadly.

    "Sure I did, great" I said, trying to muster up a grin

    "I'm takin' these gals to the beach for a swim on one of them banana boats then back to their bar because I gotta fly to Hong Kong later tonight"

    I sussed out Anthony's ploy immedietely and one of the girls seemed geunuinely sad that he had to 'go' to Hong Kong and leave them.

    "Where we be headin' later on then?" Anthony was rather keen to try Walking street

    "Take a look at that Tony's place?" I offered

    "Ok then I'll meet you at about 9-ish, back at the condo"

    "It's a deal mate" I wanted to track my bargirl down. I hadn't had sex with her, I'd barfined her, and she was developing an attitude. I thought she would jump at any chance to live with me full time while I am staying here. I haven't asked her, but surely it goes without saying, because I'm the man paying!!

    I was doubting the whole arrangement I'd envisaged, and to reassure myself I went to the best corner bar to look for her.

    There she was, cavorting with a Finnish guy who seemed to know her quite well. I was a bit jealous when she boasted that on her birthday earlier that month they'd stripped her almost naked in front of the bar and she danced to "Can't fight the moonlight" standing on top the bar, topless.

    I couldn't believe that she would cheapen herself to such an extent. Then I saw Lek, who smiled at me and winked toward my girl. I went red and came over all embarressed, like I didn't know the way it worked, the drill so to speak.

    You mean there's a code of conduct in whoring? Yes there was, and if you're living by it, then you're in too far, too serious. Whores are to be used and abused but some men were falling in love. How?

    Then I noticed that she and Lek disappeared.

    My phone went. A text. "at salon have hair wash" Oh right. She was at the salon over the road.

    Another text. "hery up"..cheeky bitch.

    I got to the salon and she was having her hair straightened. So was Lek. 1500 Baht each, and I didn't know it at the time but I was footing the bill.

    Oh well, I assumed she'd make it up in bed later tonight. I perked up.

    Anthony was well impressed with the black guy rapping in Tony's nightspot.

    "Yeah man, ree-spec my bro'" He shouted up to him and held out a fist, they touched fists like old buddies.

    "See, told you Thailand is getting the negro flavour, them bitches last night were gettin' down to Dre and Snoop in my gaff last night, ya shoulda been there, they were in the bathtub, all of them, washing my balls while I was sippin' Tanqueray and jiuce like the man himself"

    "What man?"

    "Snoop Dogg you fool, you shoulda been there"

    I was starting to wish that I was, as my own version of his 'hot bitches' was turning out a bit lukewarm. She was full of attitude and hadn't even given me anything yet, and there I was grovelling and paying for hair straightening like some lost fucking puppy.

    My girl turned up at midnight and we finally 'made love', her insistence that no kissing and 'finger inside' somewhat perturbed me and she even was willing to wear an eye mask so she couldn't see me. The experience was ok though as I hadn't had any sexual activity for months. But the whole impersonal thing on her part confused me. Do they do this to everyone?

    I'm obviously not anywhere near being 'the one', then.

    She showed me a picture of her 'boyfriend', a handsome guy from Norway, about 24 years old. She was absolutely mad about him. I felt down about that and decided that while she sleeps in my place, I'm going to get pissed in Walking Street somewhere.

    I ended up in TQ 2, elbow to elbow with a bald guy who ran Larry's Dive, and while he wasn't that hard looking, I could sense that his conversation was geared toward slight intimidation. He was trying to appear 'gangsta'. Twat, I thought. If only Anthony was with me.

    I went to check my mail as I had had enough of smoke and beer and who would be checking hers but my girl!!

    "You were asleep two hours ago at my place"

    "I get mail alert to my mobile"

    I spied her inbox over her shoulder. One of the subject boxes from a clearly Scandanavian name "David Bruun", read 're: broken condom'. She saw that I had seen it and burst out laughing, "You jealous?" she laughed
    "Yeah right I am" But I was fucking furious. I had fallen for this bitch. And she was aware of the fact.

    The next day I made the point of seeking out a bag of grass. I needed it big time.

    A few days later I found myself on the recieving end of the "farang take me shopping" boast and ended up furnishing her with a TV, games console, several skirts, shoes, portable CD player with speakers and a VCD player.

    Anthony meanwhile was doing what I should have been doing. Getting out there and putting it about, without a conscience. What and why was I doing what I was doing?

    Sometimes we never know.

  16. #41
    Thailand Expat

    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Last Online
    @
    Location
    In a rather cold and dark place
    Posts
    12,823
    No! Not again.

  17. #42
    Being chased by sloths DJ Pat's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Last Online
    @
    Posts
    18,765
    It's the ultimate cliff-hanging conclusion..

  18. #43
    Thailand Expat

    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Last Online
    @
    Location
    In a rather cold and dark place
    Posts
    12,823
    If only you could do the soundtrack like the soaps Mr Pat.

    You could have five minutes of music between every sentence and make it last for weeks,

  19. #44
    Not an expat
    Fabian's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Last Online
    04-09-2017 @ 09:31 PM
    Location
    Hamburg, cold dark Germany
    Posts
    5,381
    What's an Amstrad e-mail machine?

  20. #45
    nid aur yw popeth melyn
    britmaveric's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Last Online
    @
    Location
    Pattaya
    Posts
    4,319
    Classic DJPat - want to not read it, but I am helpless and read it anyways.

  21. #46
    Being chased by sloths DJ Pat's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Last Online
    @
    Posts
    18,765


    The soundtrack would be something like:

    Westlife "my love"
    Blue "All Rise"

    etc etc etc all that shite they play in bars...................
    Last edited by DJ Pat; 24-10-2006 at 12:42 AM.

  22. #47
    Being chased by sloths DJ Pat's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Last Online
    @
    Posts
    18,765
    Quote Originally Posted by Fabian View Post
    What's an Amstrad e-mail machine?

    see picture...

  23. #48
    Member
    The Gentleman's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Last Online
    05-03-2010 @ 12:05 PM
    Posts
    60
    Im actually enjoying this thread, your black mate has it sussed.
    You sound like Scampy, but your a better writer.

    funny, more more!

  24. #49
    Being chased by sloths DJ Pat's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Last Online
    @
    Posts
    18,765
    New instalment almost ready.

  25. #50
    RIP
    Propagator's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Last Online
    08-09-2010 @ 02:48 PM
    Location
    Runcorn, Cheshire, UK formerly Epsom Surrey.
    Posts
    3,366
    I am sure that watching paint dry would be quicker than waiting for the next instalment

Page 2 of 4 FirstFirst 1234 LastLast

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •