Results 1 to 14 of 14
  1. #1
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Last Online
    Today @ 07:31 PM
    Location
    Down on the farm
    Posts
    13,327

    Pearls of wisdom in the greasy spoon cafe

    There's a fat bloke sitting in the corner who looks like he's half a sausage away from a stroke. He's gasping. Literally gasping. You would've thought the large bastard had just sprinted here from five counties up the road. His face, beetroot red, is covered in dense droplets of sweat cascading over his brow and he's only reading the newspaper. Imagine the ensuing mess when the chunky fucker walks back to his car. I'll make sure I'm absent during that particular spell of activity. I am, after all, snared in a hangover the size of Oxfordshire — the result of 18 bottle of Becks and half a dozen fingers of Scotch the previous evening — and the last thing I need is physical contact with a shuffling mound of blubber.

    And, what's this? Oh, quelle surprise. The waitress is coming over with his order, which is, of course, the most comprehensive plate of grub on the a menu — a number five.

    A number five. For the princely sum of 5.95 you too can be presented with a platter comprising seventy-five per cent saturated fat. But to be fair to Mr Wobbly over there — who at this stage is now dabbing at his brow with a hankerchief the size of a bastard beach towel — if you're going to eat unhealthily, you may as well do it in style. And having noticed he'd substituted the usual cup of tea or coffee for a full-fat can of Coca Cola I rather began to warm to the gargatuan entity who was now in the process of seasoning his breakfast with the provided condiments.

    I look on in awe as the tomato ketchup bottle is up-ended and an almighty splurge of red sauce is squeezed out next to the chips. Next, the HP Sauce is picked up and given a cursory shake before a lavish coil of the brown stuff is liberated from the bottle, landing between bacon and beans and elicting an expression of sheer delight from the man at the helm. He's a conducter. His breakfast the orchestra. And together they will create a beautiful symphony here in the cozy confines of this greasy spoon cafe.

    I can contain myself no longer.

    Approaching the counter I need not look at the menu and instruct the serving person to bring me double poached eggs on toast. I then take a seat opposite this fine specimen of a human being and watch as he effortlessly pings an entire hash brown into his baked-bean juice smeared maw. And in between chomps of fried bread and gulps of Coca Cola he lets me in on a little secret.

    "The trick is," he said, wiping away the aftermath of a particuarly vehement bite of toast with his forearm. "Is to not give a shit... about anything."

    And there concluded the seminar.

    Last edited by somtamslap; 03-03-2017 at 07:35 PM.

  2. #2
    Thailand Expat raycarey's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Last Online
    @
    Posts
    10,884
    ok, a couple of things....

    1. good post.
    2. that guy doesn't look very fat....and i've been told that i'm prejudiced against fatsos.
    3. hate to say it, but his breakfast looks much better than yours.
    4. he deserves a smack in the head for ordering coca cola for breakfast....that's just wrong.

  3. #3
    Custom Title Changer
    CSFFan's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Last Online
    Today @ 07:43 PM
    Location
    Bangkok
    Posts
    5,728
    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    ....is picked up and given a cursory shake before a lavish coil of the brown stuff is liberated from....
    lavish coils of brown stuff shouldn't be mixed with culinary reviews, sir.
    Last edited by CSFFan; 03-03-2017 at 09:22 PM.

  4. #4
    Custom user
    Neverna's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2012
    Last Online
    @
    Location
    Teakdoor forum upgrade office
    Posts
    11,791
    Is his name Malcolm?

  5. #5
    Thailand Expat
    Smug Farang Bore's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Last Online
    10-10-2017 @ 04:29 PM
    Posts
    3,862
    Agree - he don't look that fat.

  6. #6
    Thailand Expat
    wasabi's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2012
    Last Online
    Today @ 06:50 PM
    Location
    England
    Posts
    10,257
    He's described as "Chunky " not fat. That's a chunky pic.

  7. #7
    Thailand Expat
    Slick's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Last Online
    @
    Posts
    5,425
    Im sittin' here thinkin' - "Why the fuck would anyone put sour cream on toast?!? What kind of shit do you guys eat?!"

    Ah yeah, poached eggs. Still looks depressing though

    Also, why is that coke warm? Is there a glass of ice nearby, or is someone drinking warm coke from a can? Groce.

    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    the HP Sauce
    Nasty.

    Good story though Entertaining.

  8. #8
    Member
    UrbanMan's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2016
    Last Online
    @
    Location
    Behind a fake IP address
    Posts
    893
    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    the tomato ketchup bottle is up-ended and an almighty splurge of red sauce is squeezed out next to the chips. Next, the HP Sauce
    Food worth eating doesn't need such drowning.

  9. #9
    Cabaged Member
    Chittychangchang's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Last Online
    @
    Location
    thailand and UK
    Posts
    7,568
    I could eat that pile of grease right now!

    Brown and red sauce on the same plate is however morally wrong is deserving of a good slapping

  10. #10
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Last Online
    Today @ 07:31 PM
    Location
    Down on the farm
    Posts
    13,327
    Quote Originally Posted by raycarey
    hate to say it, but his breakfast looks much better than yours.
    His breakfast is a week's worth of calories condensed into five minutes of frantic feeding. I'll stick with the toast.



    Quote Originally Posted by CSFFan
    lavish coils of brown stuff shouldn't be mixed with culinary reviews, sir.
    Well, that depends. Have you ever tried HP sauce, Topper?

    Quote Originally Posted by Neverna
    Is his name Malcolm?
    Do you know, I never asked!?

    Quote Originally Posted by Smug Farang Bore
    Agree - he don't look that fat.
    Disagree, he's mahoosive.



    Quote Originally Posted by wasabi
    That's a chunky pic.
    Unlike the chips.

    Quote Originally Posted by Slick
    Still looks depressing though
    Marginally less so than sour cream on toast. But, hey, we're all just making the best out of a poor situation. Trust me, I'd rather be sitting ina Thai market place chewing on an Isaan sang and sucking back a six pack of beer chang gabongs - oh yes, I most certainly fooking well would.



    Quote Originally Posted by UrbanMan
    Food worth eating doesn't need such drowning.
    I agree, but this isn't fine dining. This is a post piss-up grease fest.

    Quote Originally Posted by Chittychangchang
    Brown and red sauce on the same plate is however morally wrong is deserving of a good slapping
    Not if they're at opposite sides of the plate. Then it's perfectly acceptable.

  11. #11
    Cabaged Member
    Chittychangchang's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Last Online
    @
    Location
    thailand and UK
    Posts
    7,568
    Greasy spoon etiquette

    Does that include unscrewing the top of the vinegar dispenser so that the next users full monty is swimming in malt vinegar?
    Or perhaps putting salt in the sugar pot an vice versa, but for the truly sick individual.....removing the 6 months old folded up beer mat from under the wonky Leg of the table.

  12. #12
    Member
    UrbanMan's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2016
    Last Online
    @
    Location
    Behind a fake IP address
    Posts
    893
    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    Quote Originally Posted by UrbanMan
    Food worth eating doesn't need such drowning.
    I agree, but this isn't fine dining. This is a post piss-up grease fest.
    Next you'll be defending a cup of tea containing powdered creamer and eight sugar cubes.

  13. #13
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Last Online
    Today @ 07:31 PM
    Location
    Down on the farm
    Posts
    13,327
    Quote Originally Posted by UrbanMan
    Next you'll be defending a cup of tea containing powdered creamer and eight sugar cubes.
    I wouldn't go that far but I must confess to being a Cuppa Cabana kind of a chap...


  14. #14
    Thailand Expat klong toey's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Last Online
    Today @ 01:40 PM
    Posts
    5,548

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •