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UK Travel Forum Your Travels in England, Scotland, Wales, Ireland and the few other odd little Islands that Great Britain are left with.

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Old 03-03-2017, 06:30 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Pearls of wisdom in the greasy spoon cafe

There's a fat bloke sitting in the corner who looks like he's half a sausage away from a stroke. He's gasping. Literally gasping. You would've thought the large bastard had just sprinted here from five counties up the road. His face, beetroot red, is covered in dense droplets of sweat cascading over his brow and he's only reading the newspaper. Imagine the ensuing mess when the chunky fucker walks back to his car. I'll make sure I'm absent during that particular spell of activity. I am, after all, snared in a hangover the size of Oxfordshire — the result of 18 bottle of Becks and half a dozen fingers of Scotch the previous evening — and the last thing I need is physical contact with a shuffling mound of blubber.

And, what's this? Oh, quelle surprise. The waitress is coming over with his order, which is, of course, the most comprehensive plate of grub on the a menu — a number five.

A number five. For the princely sum of 5.95 you too can be presented with a platter comprising seventy-five per cent saturated fat. But to be fair to Mr Wobbly over there — who at this stage is now dabbing at his brow with a hankerchief the size of a bastard beach towel — if you're going to eat unhealthily, you may as well do it in style. And having noticed he'd substituted the usual cup of tea or coffee for a full-fat can of Coca Cola I rather began to warm to the gargatuan entity who was now in the process of seasoning his breakfast with the provided condiments.

I look on in awe as the tomato ketchup bottle is up-ended and an almighty splurge of red sauce is squeezed out next to the chips. Next, the HP Sauce is picked up and given a cursory shake before a lavish coil of the brown stuff is liberated from the bottle, landing between bacon and beans and elicting an expression of sheer delight from the man at the helm. He's a conducter. His breakfast the orchestra. And together they will create a beautiful symphony here in the cozy confines of this greasy spoon cafe.

I can contain myself no longer.

Approaching the counter I need not look at the menu and instruct the serving person to bring me double poached eggs on toast. I then take a seat opposite this fine specimen of a human being and watch as he effortlessly pings an entire hash brown into his baked-bean juice smeared maw. And in between chomps of fried bread and gulps of Coca Cola he lets me in on a little secret.

"The trick is," he said, wiping away the aftermath of a particuarly vehement bite of toast with his forearm. "Is to not give a shit... about anything."

And there concluded the seminar.

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Last edited by somtamslap : 03-03-2017 at 06:35 PM.
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Old 03-03-2017, 08:09 PM   #2 (permalink)
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ok, a couple of things....

1. good post.
2. that guy doesn't look very fat....and i've been told that i'm prejudiced against fatsos.
3. hate to say it, but his breakfast looks much better than yours.
4. he deserves a smack in the head for ordering coca cola for breakfast....that's just wrong.
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Old 03-03-2017, 08:09 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by somtamslap
....is picked up and given a cursory shake before a lavish coil of the brown stuff is liberated from....
lavish coils of brown stuff shouldn't be mixed with culinary reviews, sir.

Last edited by CSFFan : 03-03-2017 at 08:22 PM.
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Old 03-03-2017, 08:18 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Is his name Malcolm?
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Old 03-03-2017, 08:34 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Agree - he don't look that fat.
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Old 03-03-2017, 09:12 PM   #6 (permalink)
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He's described as "Chunky " not fat. That's a chunky pic.
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Old 03-03-2017, 09:57 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Im sittin' here thinkin' - "Why the fuck would anyone put sour cream on toast?!? What kind of shit do you guys eat?!"

Ah yeah, poached eggs. Still looks depressing though

Also, why is that coke warm? Is there a glass of ice nearby, or is someone drinking warm coke from a can? Groce.

Quote:
Originally Posted by somtamslap
the HP Sauce
Nasty.

Good story though Entertaining.
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Old 03-03-2017, 10:13 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by somtamslap
the tomato ketchup bottle is up-ended and an almighty splurge of red sauce is squeezed out next to the chips. Next, the HP Sauce
Food worth eating doesn't need such drowning.
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Old 03-03-2017, 10:22 PM   #9 (permalink)
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I could eat that pile of grease right now!

Brown and red sauce on the same plate is however morally wrong is deserving of a good slapping
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Old 03-03-2017, 11:15 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by raycarey
hate to say it, but his breakfast looks much better than yours.
His breakfast is a week's worth of calories condensed into five minutes of frantic feeding. I'll stick with the toast.



Quote:
Originally Posted by CSFFan
lavish coils of brown stuff shouldn't be mixed with culinary reviews, sir.
Well, that depends. Have you ever tried HP sauce, Topper?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Neverna
Is his name Malcolm?
Do you know, I never asked!?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Smug Farang Bore
Agree - he don't look that fat.
Disagree, he's mahoosive.



Quote:
Originally Posted by wasabi
That's a chunky pic.
Unlike the chips.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Slick
Still looks depressing though
Marginally less so than sour cream on toast. But, hey, we're all just making the best out of a poor situation. Trust me, I'd rather be sitting ina Thai market place chewing on an Isaan sang and sucking back a six pack of beer chang gabongs - oh yes, I most certainly fooking well would.



Quote:
Originally Posted by UrbanMan
Food worth eating doesn't need such drowning.
I agree, but this isn't fine dining. This is a post piss-up grease fest.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Chittychangchang
Brown and red sauce on the same plate is however morally wrong is deserving of a good slapping
Not if they're at opposite sides of the plate. Then it's perfectly acceptable.
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Old 03-03-2017, 11:22 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Greasy spoon etiquette

Does that include unscrewing the top of the vinegar dispenser so that the next users full monty is swimming in malt vinegar?
Or perhaps putting salt in the sugar pot an vice versa, but for the truly sick individual.....removing the 6 months old folded up beer mat from under the wonky Leg of the table.
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Old 03-03-2017, 11:59 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by somtamslap
Quote:
Originally Posted by UrbanMan
Food worth eating doesn't need such drowning.
I agree, but this isn't fine dining. This is a post piss-up grease fest.
Next you'll be defending a cup of tea containing powdered creamer and eight sugar cubes.
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Old 04-03-2017, 01:00 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by UrbanMan
Next you'll be defending a cup of tea containing powdered creamer and eight sugar cubes.
I wouldn't go that far but I must confess to being a Cuppa Cabana kind of a chap...

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Old 04-03-2017, 01:09 PM   #14 (permalink)
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