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  1. #1
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    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Godfrey and me walk up a mountain

    Godfrey, fresh from a three-month hiatus at Her Majesty's pleasure in Wandsworth for renting out his back passage on the Charing Cross road, called me in some distress last week.

    And finally, after the sobbing had subsided and the degenerate wreck of a person started to construct relatively coherent sentences, I was able to deduce that he was keen - once again - to rejuvenate; eager to cleanse his fragmenting soul of all the evil it had been subjected to. Indeed, what Godfrey had described as a "robust fisting" during his penultimate week of incarceration had pushed both himself and his poop to the very threshold, and Godfrey in turn had attempted to asphyxiate himself with a handful of gravel he'd plucked from the outdoor recreation area. This act landed him in solitary confines where he passed the last week of his term etching poetry onto the walls with a cotton bud. He recited one such composition to me during our phone call:

    "This", said Godfrey, "is an ode called 'Fuck'".

    "FUUUUCK!" Godfrey roared with furious rage down the telephone.

    I understood the sentiment quite clearly. Godfrey was indeed a very troubled man.

    I suggested that he join me in a hiking expedition I'd been planning - a day's yomp up and down Mount Snowdon, the highest peak in England and Wales.

    Godfrey became excited.

    "They do whiskey in Wales, don't they?"

    "Yes, Godfrey. Alcohol will be present in Wales."

    We met the following day and journeyed to Snowdonia. Godfrey was an ailing mess of a person even by his usual standards. His hair was matted and tangled, his fringe stuck fast to his forehead. His attire, a mishmash of an old pair of ill-fitting corduroys, a jersey stained with the sauce from a thousand different takeaways, and a jacket so small that the arms stopped at his elbows.

    "But I've got me Wellington boots on, though", Godfrey proudly pipe up upon seeing me appraise him with distaste.

    "Yes, Godfrey. You do indeed have you boots on".

    Upon arriving in Snowdonia later that day and locating the village in which we would base ourselves for the hike, Godfrey made a beeline for the pub, the only one in a 10 mile radius. The man was clearly very fucking thirsty indeed.

    I arrived a few minutes later to find Godfrey in full verse, chatting away to a rather alarmed barman...



    Godfrey's dinner that night consisted of one solitary packet of pork scratchings, and some 15 pints of weak ale. This did not bode well. We literally had a mountain to climb in the morning.



    I feasted on possibly the most unsocial plate of fare on the planet...



    The following morning, when Godfrey had finished being sick in the fucking bathroom sink, we made for the mountain. I set a keen pace. This irritated Godfrey immensely. But he had already been advised of the rules - don't come crying to me if your head feels like it's been shat in by a pig.



    The scenery continued to grow evermore spectacular. This was surely hiking at its very best...





    Approaching the peak, Godfrey was seriously beginning to flag and a seething aggression had set in. He actually made to charge me, but the 40 per cent gradients hindered his run up and he simply spat on the floor and pronounced me "an utter fucking kunt". Charming, Godfrey. Simply charming.

    We summited. It was cold, freezing actually. But the view had been worth the toil and discomfort... looking out to Anglesey.



    However, the weather turned increasingly inclement, and soon visibility had been reduced to mere metres... and Godfrey, Godfrey was, unsurprisingly, nowhere to be seen.



    I walked back down the mountain, sans Godfrey, somewhat concerned for his wellbeing. But then I heard it, a scream of delight emerging from the mist. And lo and behold, out of the cloud cover, Godfrey... on a fucking paraglider...



    I didn't wait for the landing. But I suspect it took place somewhere over the Atlantic.

  2. #2
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    chassamui's Avatar
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    It is rare to get that kind of view from the summit especially at this time of year. Nice pics.
    Pyg Track? Take Godfrey over Crib Goch next time. That'll learn 'im.
    Last edited by chassamui; 17-10-2015 at 11:45 PM. Reason: Sp

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by chassamui
    Pyg Track?
    Miners.
    Quote Originally Posted by chassamui
    Take Godfrey over Crib Goch next time
    Yes, I've heard about that since going. Bit sheer of a sheer ridge at the top, is it not. II was told you could straddled the ridge it's that narrow.

    Fook that!

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    Nice story, Slap.

    How long did it take to hike to the top? And how long to get back down?

  5. #5
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    Bloke lack Mounting?

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    Peak Practice

    Quote Originally Posted by chassamui View Post
    It is rare to get that kind of view from the summit especially at this time of year. Nice pics.
    Pyg Track? Take Godfrey over Crib Goch next time. That'll learn 'im.
    Some have foresight and threesomes

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by Neverna
    How long did it take to hike to the top? And how long to get back down?
    It was a 10 mile round trip. I think it was 2.5 hours both going up and down. Down hurt more than up.

    I wouldn't dream of doing it again - it was busier than Clapham Junction up there.

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    Yes, I've heard about that since going. Bit sheer of a sheer ridge at the top, is it not. II was told you could straddled the ridge it's that narrow.
    If you head up from the car park and take a narrow path to the right, it turns into the Crib. There is a near shear drop on your right and steep scree to the left. Quite hairy especially if it's windy.

  9. #9
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    You can avoid hairy crevices with a close shave

  10. #10
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    Funny story.

    Congratulations on getting a clear summit at this time off the year!

    We did the hike back in May and twas pretty horrendous then.

  11. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chittychangchang
    We did the hike back in May and twas pretty horrendous then.
    Which route did you take? You hiked it with the kids if memory serves?

  12. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Chittychangchang
    We did the hike back in May and twas pretty horrendous then.
    Which route did you take? You hiked it with the kids if memory serves?
    We did the same Miners trail up and down as you.

    Would like to do the other trail Chas was writing about on a clear day.

    I don't think they get many clear days up there, so you was fortunate.

    The views are spectacular, it's a special place.

    How where the knees coming down?

    I was fooked for a few days afterwards.

    Try Scafell Pike next in the Lakes!? That's another temperamental mountain, not as busy either.

  13. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chittychangchang
    Try Scafell Pike next in the Lakes!? That's another temperamental mountain, not as busy either.
    Did the three peaks as a team years ago. Scafell was like a ploughed field at the bottom just due to massive footfall. The climb was fairly straight forward.
    Nevis had snow on the top at the old weather station in August. That is also a bit of a motorway these days. Passed Jap tourists in T shirt, shorts and old style school daps on the way up. They put transparent pacamacs on when it started raining. Clowns.

  14. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by chassamui
    Did the three peaks as a team years ago
    Good effort, Chazzer. Did you manage it inside 24 hours?

  15. #15
    Thailand Expat klong toey's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    inside 24 hours
    Finially i get to see what its like on Snowdon nice little jaunt for you both.
    Did you have breakfast in Pen-y-Ceunant Isaf.
    I did it quite a few years ago rained hard strong wind for the first 2 peeks,Snowdon and Scafell Pike, was dry but cold plenty of snow on Ben Nevis.
    Fascists dress in black and go around telling people what to do, whereas priests... more drink!

  16. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by klong toey
    Did you have breakfast in Pen-y-Ceunant Isaf.
    Negative. I breakfasted back in the b&b on the flesh of swine, an emission from a chicken's anus, several wholemeal slices, and fungus.

    Good work KT. Scafell's the toughest, I've heard.

  17. #17
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    There's no gradual start to Scafell, it's straight up and the national trust path ends half way up so it's a scramble over rocks through the bottle neck where the winds increase in force and visibility diminishes rapidly.
    It's easy to get disorientated on the plateau and walk off the edge in all the confusion.
    That's why a compass is a must.
    Quite a few have died on it recently.

  18. #18
    Thailand Expat klong toey's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    Scafell's the toughest, I've heard.
    I think what makes it harder is logistics,getting from A,B,C and D think we left Sheffield around 1 am got to Snowdon started out around 6 am,just getting light got soaked no where to dry your stuff in a mini van.Do the next peak the same day Scafell get soaked again, on the way down from that one your thinking i must be mad.Drive up to Scotland overnight still soaking wet do the next peak the walking didn't bother me to much just the traveling in a mini van,after all 3 done drive back to Sheffield from Scotland.

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    Brilliant effort. I think you're too hard on Geffory.

  20. #20
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    What the heck is that ?


  21. #21
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    ^ Welsh testicles with a side order off garlic bread methinks

  22. #22
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    Quote Originally Posted by klong toey View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    Scafell's the toughest, I've heard.
    I think what makes it harder is logistics,getting from A,B,C and D think we left Sheffield around 1 am got to Snowdon started out around 6 am,just getting light got soaked no where to dry your stuff in a mini van.Do the next peak the same day Scafell get soaked again, on the way down from that one your thinking i must be mad.Drive up to Scotland overnight still soaking wet do the next peak the walking didn't bother me to much just the traveling in a mini van,after all 3 done drive back to Sheffield from Scotland.
    Good effort on the Three Peaks.

    Snowdonia is quite an easy place to get to and well sign posted.

    Scafell in the Lakes is miles off single country lanes from anywhere.
    Getting there is half the battle.
    Not done Ben Nevis yet! Was hoping to complete this year..

  23. #23
    Thailand Expat Dillinger's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    It was a 10 mile round trip. I think it was 2.5 hours both going up and down. Down hurt more than up
    I would have definitely been on that train coming back down

  24. #24
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by chassamui
    Did the three peaks as a team years ago
    Good effort, Chazzer. Did you manage it inside 24 hours?
    Yes, by running down every one. We did all have to carry a daysack with safety kit in as well. About 12lbs.

  25. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    Good work KT. Scafell's the toughest, I've heard
    We had good weather for Scafell. The hard part was the boggy stuff at the start. Footfall has made it so wide it can't be avoided without walking a long way around it.
    We had a minibus with a heater in the back.
    To be honest, although Nevis is the highest, it's like a motorway for walkers most of the way up. Also makes for a fast decent.

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