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  1. #1
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Slap bests south west trains buffet service attendee, but loses to a cup of coffee

    I was in a terrible hurry, and the train station's resident barista, it appeared, wasn't.

    Just pour the milk into the fucking cup already!

    I seethed, dealing her a figmental blow to the midsection before bringing her head down sharply to meet my knee. Crack.

    Just POUR the fucking MILK!

    She poured the milk but it was too late.

    The train, MY train, was now rolling up to platform two and I had no time to add the requisite sachet of sugar and stir it ungainly with one of those incorrigible wooden batons.

    Keep the change, I barked, snatching my soulless cup of coffee from the counter and throwing a five pound note in her general direction.

    Exiting the café at a sprint, felling children and inadvertently punting elderly people over yonder, I'd suggest that I reached and quite possibly breached 400 metre record pace before stopping the automatic doors from closing with my fucking head, and eventually basking in the glory of train well caught.

    I placed my lifeless bastard of a coffee on the seat back tray, brandished the Daily Mail from my rucksack and got stuck into Simon Heffer - the wanker.

    "Something from the buffet"

    The words resonated from behind me. I turned around and there he was. A man... with a cart... full of fucking sugar. I waited impatiently as some old bastard behind me ordered an Earl Grey and a slice of tea cake... then came my turn.

    Anything from the buffet, sir?

    Yes, I'll have one sachet of sugar please

    No sir, you not buy on train, you no get sugar (for the buffet attendee hailed from African shores).

    I'll pay for the fucking thing.

    No sir...

    You horrible c...

    You do not have to pay for this sugar if you can tell me how many oceans there are in the world.

    What?

    How many oceans are in the world?

    Well if we include the North and South Atlantic and Pacific it would be seven - but the most common answer would probably be five.

    He laughed, the train applauded.

    Slap basked in his superior wisdom.


    I then added my sugar to the cup, stirred it and took a well-earned swig.

    However, the top came off a totally drenched me, from collar to crotch, in fucking cappuccino.

    A short-lived victory.

    But I'll take it.

  2. #2
    Thailand Expat klong toey's Avatar
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    Milk and sugar in coffee is, poof.
    I'm surprised you didn't spill it over your best frock.

  3. #3
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by klong toey
    Milk and sugar in coffee is, poof.
    It was a cappuccino. I'd already snorted my early morning Americano.

    Why's this in Thailand's Traveller Tales when it clearly didn't take place in Thailand.

    I mean, I ask you!

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by klong toey View Post
    Milk and sugar in coffee is, poof.
    I'm surprised you didn't spill it over your best frock.
    Heavy cream bleeds of poofery, less milk.
    I'll forgive The Slap for the sugar.


    This applies to tea, as well.
    Conditioning lends itself.

  5. #5
    Thailand Expat klong toey's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    Why's this in Thailand's Traveller Tales
    You were dreaming of drinking a few bottles of ice cold chang and posted thread in wrong section.

    Btw,good luck with your up coming bike ride stay safe.

  6. #6
    Thailand Expat klong toey's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by thaimeme
    This applies to tea, as well.
    Just made a pot of Assam tea no milk or sugar added to my tea mug.

  7. #7
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    At least you got coffee in it.

    I purchased a cup of English breakfast tea only to walk off, remove the lid and...

    No fekin tea bag...

  8. #8
    Thailand Expat Dillinger's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    No sir, you not buy on train, you no get sugar (for the buffet attendee hailed from African shores).
    what happened to the jungle bunny ?
    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    You do not have to pay for this sugar if you can tell me how many oceans there are in the world.

  9. #9
    a cookin' an' a bookin'
    Luigi's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by klong toey View Post
    Milk and sugar in coffee is, poof.
    As is drinking it.


    Fuking I.V. the fooker, me.

  10. #10
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    ^

    says the eyebrow licking wop with pointy ostrich skin shoes.

  11. #11
    Thailand Expat klong toey's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Luigi
    Fuking I.V. the fooker, me.
    I know i guy who went on one of those coffee enema weeks somewhere in Thailand.
    Bloody hell when he come back into the bar on Monday evening he looked 10 years younger.
    Not sure if it was the shock of stuffing a pipe up his backside or the coffee enemas that did it.
    Fascists dress in black and go around telling people what to do, whereas priests... more drink!

  12. #12
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Smug Farang Bore
    No fekin tea bag...
    Lovely. A nice cup of hot water always kick-starts the day nicely.


    Quote Originally Posted by Dillinger
    what happened to the jungle bunny ?
    He was left speechless of course, after being baffled with top-notch trivia.


    Quote Originally Posted by klong toey
    Btw,good luck with your up coming bike ride stay safe.
    I'm gonna level with you, KT - I'm a little apprehensive to say the least.

    Watch this space. Trip starts this Saturday. Daily updates with pics coming your way.

  13. #13
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Why's this still in TTT - aren't people paying attention?

    There certainly isn't a Pumpkin or cushioned seats on trains in Thailand.


  14. #14
    disturbance in the Turnip baldrick's Avatar
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    Technology to save you is available


  15. #15
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    ^ Already purchased. They're sitting in the bottle cages of my bicycle... ready to hydrate me over the course of 1200 miles.

    Eek!

  16. #16
    disturbance in the Turnip baldrick's Avatar
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  17. #17
    Gohills flip-flops wearer
    withnallstoke's Avatar
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  18. #18
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by baldrick
    and this - Hill Topper Electric Bike Kit, Electric Bike Batteries: Electric-Bike-Kit.com
    I see them a lot. Geriatrics overtake me on them.

    ^ Yes withnall - have you had your Kenco and carrot combo today?

  19. #19
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    For your death defying heart attack, hernia trip I recommend you do what my brother did in similar circumstances.























    Volunteer to drive the support minibus.

  20. #20
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by chassamui
    Volunteer to drive the support minibus.
    If I had a support minibus I probably would.

    It's just going to be a nicely gentle pootle up to John O'Groats. No biggie.










































































    *gulp*

  21. #21
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    Kenco and carrot combo
    That sounds nice, where do I get meself one of those.

    BTW, that's a terrible African accent; just sayin...


  22. #22
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    Slap:
    Repeat after me: "Espresso. Double. Now.Here." Slap [!] the money down and neck it from pure porcelain. Job done.
    BTW, as my Mum always says;" drinking coffee from a paper cup is like.... washing your feet with your socks on." 'nuf said on this I hope.

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