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  1. #1
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    5 things I hate about eating out in the UK

    Expense:

    I don't like getting buggered. But everytime I eat out here in Britain, the meal will almost always culminate in rough sodomy. Indeed, when the cheeky twat with the cheap waistcoat presents me with a bill, after much scrutiny I clasp hold of my ankles and wait for the big nobs to smash the back doors of my bank account to hades and back. Too expensive - eating out in the UK, unless it's in an el cheapo gastro pub chain (Whetherspoons anyone?), is often not an option for most.

    The middle classes:

    To be honest, love, I couldn't give a chicken's kunt if your Henry has reached eighth grade in his piano lessons, or that your Sally is now the best at pioretting in her ballet class - but I've got a hunch that I'm going to be hearing about the little shits for the duration of my dinner. Middle-class women: scurge of the English dining room.

    Taste the wine:

    Unless it's corked, which it never is, does anyone ever swirl their recently poured quota, consider its shade, sniff deeply perchance to detect a fruity note, and take a delicate sip before declaring that it tastes like fucking shit? No, of course they don't. The learned squires who order wine in British feasting emporiums are quite proficient at distinguishing a good year from a bad, thank you very much. Therefore the charade of wine tasting is quite obviously reserved for people who, upon finishing the bottle, insert it firmly up the botty.

    Cutlery and crockery count:

    I've got a plate for bread, a plate for cheese, a plate for salad, a plate for cake. I've got a spoon for soup, a spoon for tea, a spoon for sundaes, a spoon for dessert. I've got a knife for butter, a knife for fish, a knife for steak, a knife for bread.

    I've only ordered a bacon butty. What do they want me to do with it? Dissect it molecule by molecule before spending a year bowing to the fucking thing?
    It's food, for Pete's sake. I can make do with my bare hands if needs be.


    The waiter:

    Regardless of the class of establishment, I invariably do not like the waiter. In a low-end dive, he will often present me with my fish and chips with his thumb in the mushy peas. He will cough. He will emit irritable sighs, regularly. He will sniff and mumble and stammer.
    In a more sophistcated eatery, the waiter will approach you with a look of wanton lust about him; he will lisp at you to sit down before complimenting your attire... hell, that fucker would even laud the style of the hair on your nuts if he could see it. He will continue to suck on your proverbial penis throughout the meal before the bill is brought over and his modus operandi is finally revealed... he is essentially a cheap slut. Do not tip the smarmy wanker.

  2. #2
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    The cuisine....

  3. #3
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    CSFFan's Avatar
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    Not having a roll of toilet paper on the table to wipe your face with must be a bummer too....

  4. #4
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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  5. #5
    Thailand Expat Dillinger's Avatar
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    You can eat cheap in the UK

    Get on your push bike and head on down to Frinton on sea, look for a fat guy painting on the beach with a poundland disposable barbecue and 5 kilo of chicken fillets.

  6. #6
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    His fishing for his next book; don't add to this thread unless you've signed an NDA or MOU or something; the bastard will intellectually bugger you with a large sodomy stick of infinite first timeness...

    I will not, NOT, talk about the 5 things I hate about eating out in Korea, about how: you have to sit on the floor; every bird is bettering looking than my Thai wife; the food might be dog; you have to take your shoes off, so you have to wear clean socks and/or wash your feet; there are no pictures on the menus.
    How do I post these pictures???

  7. #7
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dillinger
    You can eat cheap in the UK
    I don't doubt it. But if you go into a restaurant or a pub that isn't Whetherspoons or Yates's, your pants will get pulled down.

    Quote Originally Posted by Bettyboo
    there are no pictures on the menus.
    Well I'm not going there then. Thanks Betsy. The information is piling up.

  8. #8
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    Nowt wrong wi withersoons. Had a nice breakfast there Satdi for 2.99 and another 99p for a mug of filter coffee with unlimited refills.
    As it was 10.45 am, I didn't bother with a refill and went straight to the first food group. Nigerian Lager, also known by its trade name, Guinness.
    This repast took me up to about 4pm when a friend arrived with a plate of chicken wings and spicy dips. By this time I was on the cider so all was good.

    As far as wine goes, I recommend that you drink whatever colour you fancy and pay no heed to those who espouse, 'white with fish, red with game' bollocks.

    Always ask for a carafe of house red or white. Any decent foodery knows you cannot afford to have shit house wine.

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dillinger View Post
    You can eat cheap in the UK

    Get on your push bike and head on down to Frinton on sea, look for a fat guy painting on the beach with a poundland disposable barbecue and 5 kilo of chicken fillets.
    Got to get his timing right. There is a 30 second window between the opening of the said fillets and them disappearing, never to be seen again into a 160kg disposal unit.

  10. #10
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    Kurgen's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bettyboo
    every bird is bettering looking than my Thai wife
    Pics FFS !

  11. #11
    Thailand Expat Dillinger's Avatar
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    What of Bettys wife?

    I can pm you some





  12. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dillinger View Post
    What of Bettys wife?

    I can pm you some





    I heard she's hot!
    BB's way of misdirection....


  13. #13
    Thailand Expat Dillinger's Avatar
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  14. #14
    Fresh Seaman CaptainNemo's Avatar
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    Tiny Portions? Cheap and nasty ingredients? Unclean tables and tableware?

  15. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by CaptainNemo
    Cheap and nasty ingredients?
    Certainly the case at Spoons. Under no circumstances will I ever be eating the 'salmon' again. Primarily because I'm not convinced it was fish, rather a congealed lump of matter.

  16. #16
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    , rather a congealed lump of matter.
    What the hell do you think food is? Ya ungrateful sod.

  17. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    Certainly the case at Spoons. Under no circumstances will I ever be eating the 'salmon'
    Salmon! Fokking salmon! In Withers!
    I don't believe it. You'll be telling me next they have menus and fokking breadsticks ya heathen.

  18. #18
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    One of the things I love about eating in Thailand is never having to look at the prices. Just order and order some more until your guts want to explode in all directions.
    Yesterday my wife and I went out for coffee (in Australia). She saw a tiny little ball of nutty deliciousness in a jar and said she would have one of those. You know what I mean - those things the size of a 5 baht coin with seeds and apricot etc in them. $4! That is 110 baht and cost more then the coffee! No wonder they did not have the price listed.
    News is what someone, somewhere is trying to suppress - everything else is just advertising.

  19. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by chassamui
    Nigerian Lager, also known by its trade name, Guinness.

  20. #20
    Veni vidi fugi
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    Taste the wine:

    Unless it's corked,
    It does make me laugh as well seeing ponces go through this charade. Slap is clearly a man of true refinement that knows that a cursory sniff of the wine is enough to say if the wine is corked or not. As in properly corked rather than "Ohh I ordered this 50 quid bottle of wine and I don't like the taste so now I am going to say it is corked even though I do not know what corked wine is".

  21. #21
    Gohills flip-flops wearer
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    Quote Originally Posted by pseudolus
    Slap is clearly a man of true refinement
    If the definition of true refinement is "a fat drunk who has spent the majority of his adulthood buggering livestock in North Eastern Thailand", then i agree. Wholeheartedly.

  22. #22
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    Quote Originally Posted by MeMock
    You know what I mean - those things the size of a 5 baht coin with seeds and apricot etc in them. $4! That is 110 baht and cost more then the coffee! No wonder they did not have the price listed.
    You got off lightly, most small cakes and slices go for $10 these days.

  23. #23
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    Not in the Gippsland mate!

  24. #24
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by withnallstoke
    If the definition of true refinement is "a fat drunk who has spent the majority of his adulthood buggering livestock in North Eastern Thailand
    ...I also dedicated much of my time to masturbating in ditches, but I see you quite handily neglected to mention that little attribute.

  25. #25
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    I love it when i go to the pub in the UK and ask for a glass of wine. Then get the choice of small, medium or large.

    Even for me the large is just too much - its about the size of half a bottle!! A small fish bowl.

    I now go for a medium of medium dry. And the prices are high. Even here i can get a decent glass of wine for about a quid.

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