A day in the country with my two new toys

[somtamslap]

Please take at least 2 amulets along with you in order to ensure a safe trip and safe passage through north west England.

I'm certainly going to give Stoke on Trent a wide berth. I hear it's a hot bed of bestialitists.

....can't wait to explain in my science class this term.

I've got a good physics lesson for you to try. It's called 'Fat people can't climb hills'.

[somtamslap]

A very tough outing on the bicycle this afternoon. From suburban London, over the South Downs and on to the coast, all amid inclement weather conditions. Some of the climbs on the Downs ramped up to 20 per cent and the head wind was perpetual. Just shy of 80kms all in.

Upon arrival in Bognor - yes, Bognor - I quickly lost my faith in humanity. An absolute fucking dustbin of a place teeming with pond life. I'd rather hang my hat in a ditch in Sakhon Nakhon. I was almost moved sufficiently enough to brandish my mini hand pump and beat people up with it - just for being so ridiculously pikey. But instead, the sun had made a fleeting appearance and I hurried to the sea shore.

I find the waters off Britain's coast incredibly atmospheric, thought provoking and full of promise...

[Chittychangchang]

Quality pics.

Can you avoid hills in Scotland?

[somtamslap]

Can you avoid hills in Scotland?

No - the Scottish Highlands must and shall be traversed.

[blue]

I've seen people towing little trailers behind them with all their gear on it, rather than panniers , but is it a good idea ?

something like this but a lot smaller..

[thaimeme]

I've seen people towing little trailers behind them with all their gear on it, rather than panniers , but is it a good idea ?

something like this but a lot smaller..

Pure class....

[palexxxx]

Shere - the hub of the Hills and a very quaint little village

Ah..that's why it's called the atmoshere....can't wait to explain in my science class this term.

In Australia we call it the atmosphere. But you probably do things differently in your country.

[patsycat]

If you're near Edinburgh at the beginning of August you can take me out for a pint.

[somtamslap]

at the beginning of August

As it happens I will indeed be Scotch side in early Aug. I'll be the wheezing fat chap on a semi-squashed and smelted contraption - with a pink carnation secreted under the left tit.

[bowie]

excellent photography - kudos.


You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to somtamslap again.

[Stinky]

Upon arrival in Bognor - yes, Bognor - I quickly lost my faith in humanity. An absolute fucking dustbin of a place teeming with pond life. I'd rather hang my hat in a ditch in Sakhon Nakhon

"Bognor", You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and Pikery. We must be cautious."
―Obi-Wan Kenobi, to Luke Somtamslap

[somtamslap]

"Bognor", You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and Pikery. We must be cautious."

Correct. Next time I'll head to the civilisation of Littlehampton, or Mogadishu.

[somtamslap]

excellent photography - kudos.

Ta mate. The Canon's certainly earning its keep. Well pleased with it for such reasonable money.

[Cujo]

Absolutely brilliant pics slap. I'll green you next time round as I need to reload.

[VocalNeal]

Quality pics.

Can you avoid hills in Scotland?

Can you avoid pictures of Scotland

[somtamslap]

I've started integrating a spot of endurance training into my daily commute - which basically entails cycling all the way to work and back twice a week. Fortunately the route takes in some stunning scenery. Unfortunately my vision starts to ebb some 10 miles into the ride and, combined with a forehead pissing out a steady deluge of sweat, I can't actually see a fucking thing.

Today I rode at a pace which would allow me to appreciate some of the sweeping vistas encountered on the way.

Box Hill. It's not really much of a climb. Compared to some of the Alpine-esque fare in Cornwall it's a veritable pimple. I still struggle, of course. This probably has something to do with the 10 kilos of kebab meat accumulated around my midriff.

Looking back to past contours conquered...



The iconic switchbacks of Box Hill. The Olympic road race came up here nine times in 2012...



A couple of likeminded - yet decidedly less portly - types pedal with purpose to the summit...



Meanwhile, the steed belonging to yours truly lays dormant in a ditch - it's owner still a heavily wheezing mess of a person...



50kms before work tends to be more effective than a Nescafe instant, mind you.

[patsycat]

Do your workmates not, sort of, or sometimes mention your odor upon your arrival. Or do they do the same, perhaps?

[Stinky]

He prolly has a French wash when he gets there.

[blue]

those professional bike races seem to last about 4 or 5 hours,
have they got super strong bladders or have they mastered to art of pissing whilst riding ?

[Dillinger]

Here you go Blue

[somtamslap]

Do your workmates not, sort of, or sometimes mention your odor upon your arrival.

I'm straight into the shower with my Lynx Africa body scrub/shampoo combo, Pats - no fucking about.

have they got super strong bladders or have they mastered to art of pissing whilst riding ?

They'll usually stop as early as possible while the race is still rolling along with no real urgency. Sometimes ditches will be used for dumping in. It's all a bit bladdy obsessive.

[thaimeme]

He prolly has a French wash when he gets there.

I believe such technique is really referred to as an "English wash"....

[Neo]

Nice thread Slaps, familiar countryside to me. Have you been to Old Winchester Hill?
It's in the Meon Valley on the South Downs route, it's an old hill fort, great views up there.
A couple of miles up the road you can get a decent cuppa and some homemade cake at the Sustainability Centre.

https://www.google.co.uk/maps/place/...d1f263e3?hl=en

[somtamslap]

130kms yesterday.

I went numb at the 80k mark. Vision and hearing faded at around 100k. Will to live severely mitigated at 120. And when the whole blasted affair was finally over it took several minutes of rooting around to locate my left nut. I honestly thought I'd lost the fucker.

Climbing 5000 feet through three different counties I implemented an efficient way of navigating - which doesn't involve GPS, or an iPhone or even a map. Simply write the names of the smallest settlements of the route chronologically and blast through the countryside hunting them down.



The route was undulating - incorrigibly so...



I stopped for a bit; ate a chocolate-coated flapjack, drank some Lucozade, and had a moment with the camera...



Buttercups in the foreground.

Cast your mind back to erstwhile school yard myths. If a buttercup was held to your chin and it glowed yellow - you, according to some implausible logic, liked butter.

I have a more accurate barometer.

If you're a fat kunt - you probably like butter.



Post-ride sustenance doesn't get any better. Doner meat, chips and kebab shop salad, all garnished with a liberal drizzle of the sacred chilli sauce...

Sublime.

[somtamslap]

It's in the Meon Valley on the South Downs route

Been through west meon a few times. Very beautiful, but beauty to fat people is sometimes overridden by meddlesome terrain.