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  1. #1
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Memoirs of an urban commute

    I recently acquired a folding bicycle. With such a piece of apparatus I would be afforded the luxury of being able to board rush hour trains without being lynched by a baying mob of commuters, just dying to compliment their morning coffee with a public butchering.

    You can see it in their eyes. The commuting set, particulalry those who use the train, are invariably angry, angry people. They want blood. They want suffering. They are the desparate and the depraved and the downright sadistic of the modern world.

    Enter the cyclist; he with the Lycra and the 27C wheels and the ridiculous footwear. He is more than fair game. His assailants, who usually come in the form of repulsive strumpets, boasting breasts down to their knees and arses the size of Scunthorpe, will snarl and expectorate and wheeze in the direction of our lowly biker until he is forced to yield and alight at the next stop. He shakes his fist at the carriage as it trundles towards the horizon, trembling under the weight of its fat and irritable cargo.

    A folding cycle is subsequently purchased - and the fuckers will rue the day.

    I clambered aboard a South-Western vessel which would plough a furrow through suburban London and up to Clapham Junction. From there a short cycle would ensue, a day's work would be done, and the entire journey would be replicated in reverse.

    My little Brompton, or Barbara, such is her name, sat dicreetly in the aisle.



    Now, for her plentiful strengths, Barbara certainly isn't without flaw. Perhaps the most predominant being that she has a canny knack of making her owner look like a total fucking idiot. A bicycle so small with a rider so large may elicit robust sniggers from the naysayers, and it was indeed true that whilst piloting Babs through the urban sprawl it looked like I was trying to consume her through my buttocks. Yet she is suprisingly resilient and we arrived at the office without hinderance.

    The return leg on the other hand was somewhat more irksome.

    Exhibit A, if I may...



    How Babs and I negotiated that little lot without inadvertantly snapping a pedal off in someone's arse is anyone's guess.

  2. #2
    Thailand Expat klong toey's Avatar
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    Did you do any research before purchasing Babs.
    'BASTARDS! It's completely bike-o-phobic,' says Boris Johnson MP, upon hearing that bikes are now banned on some train services into London.
    Five on test: folding bicycles | Money | The Guardian

  3. #3
    Lord of Swine
    Necron99's Avatar
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    I feel this should be moved to Moog's "coming out" thread.....

  4. #4
    Thailand Expat
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    You're a civilised fellow, Slap....

    The definitive sophisticate.
    Last edited by thaimeme; 14-02-2015 at 11:54 PM.

  5. #5
    TD Fat Club VP Dillinger's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    I was trying to consume her through my buttocks.
    Is it just me or does that seat look like a massive black cock with ample balls?

    Barbara ?

    Ahhh I see��


    By da rivers of Barbara where we sat down. Hey hey hey hey

    http://youtu.be/vYK9iCRb7S4

  6. #6
    'ello 'ello 'ello Luigi's Avatar
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    I'm sure I've seen that man vilely ranting about Thais and Thailand on youtube. Good to see he made back home. Doesn't look any happier though.

  7. #7
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by klong toey
    upon hearing that bikes are now banned on some train services into London.
    Generally only non folders during rush hour, which is understandable - those carriages become so busy that the fug of post slumber exhalations become almost palapable.



    Quote Originally Posted by Necron99
    I feel this should be moved to Moog's "coming out" thread.....
    I said Barbara, not Bob.

  8. #8
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dillinger
    Is it just me or does that seat look like a massive black cock with ample balls?
    I'm happy to confirn that it isn't just you. Others have also noticed the similarities. They have said: "Slap, your bike has a massive cock protruding from the seat tube.

    It took me a while to register that it was me they were referring to.

  9. #9
    Thailand Expat
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    Looks like a fookin' wheelchair!

  10. #10
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    ^With a cock added...

  11. #11
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    No it doesn't. It looks like a fucking folding bike. And a bladdy sexy one at that.

  12. #12
    Thailand Expat
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    Welcome to civilisation, in Bangkok motorcycle retards toot their horns on pavements to get pedestrians to move out the way.

  13. #13
    Thailand Expat

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    ^The hell, they do...

  14. #14
    Thailand Expat
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    I thought those folding bikes were a fad of about 15 years ago. And then died out.

  15. #15
    Gohills flip-flops wearer
    withnallstoke's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by kingwilly
    I thought those folding bikes were a fad of about 15 years ago. And then died out.
    Not quite.

    I believe it was the owners who died out.

  16. #16
    disturbance in the Turnip baldrick's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by kingwilly
    I thought those folding bikes were a fad of about 15 years ago. And then died out.
    google folding electric bike - quite a few out there that are designed for the last few kilometers of a commute

    http://www.gizmag.com/impossible-ele...ackpack/34683/

    http://www.gizmag.com/electric-mood-e-scooter/36073/

    and using unused rail tunnels under london as bike lanes

    http://www.gizmag.com/london-underline/36052/
    Last edited by baldrick; 15-02-2015 at 09:02 AM.

  17. #17
    Gohills flip-flops wearer
    withnallstoke's Avatar
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    Try one of these somtam, then badger a fitness freak to tow you to the office.


  18. #18
    Thailand Expat

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    Quote Originally Posted by withnallstoke
    I believe it was the owners who died out.
    Laughed out loud I did, withnall...I guess they're making a comeback, now...Err...The bikes, I mean...

  19. #19
    Pedantic bastard
    nidhogg's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap View Post


    Thank you for that. It reminds me that however irksome my job can be at times, I do not face that crap on a daily basis.

    Frankly, I think it would drive me insane.

  20. #20
    Philippine Expat Davis Knowlton's Avatar
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    ^I focused on that gruesome shot as well; no way would I ever choose to endure that crap. Never happen.

  21. #21
    Custom user Neverna's Avatar
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    All those people standing and there seems to be a spare seat! Perhaps they are all frightened of the guy with the stare.

  22. #22
    Thailand Expat klong toey's Avatar
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    Another plus point will easy go in a bike bag and in the cargo hold of a plane bound for Thailand.
    Some of my friends decide to take their bikes,not Brompton's on holiday with them.
    Very keen cyclist they flew to Bombay that's what it was called then rode to Goa for a holiday and then rode back to Bombay.
    Last edited by klong toey; 15-02-2015 at 01:13 PM.
    Fascists dress in black and go around telling people what to do, whereas priests... more drink!

  23. #23
    Gohills flip-flops wearer
    withnallstoke's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Neverna
    All those people standing and there seems to be a spare seat!
    They're not standing.

    They have taken root.

  24. #24
    Gohills flip-flops wearer
    withnallstoke's Avatar
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    Oi slapper.


    What about this bad boy.



  25. #25
    Thailand Expat

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    ^It might just spring out like a switchblade or a jack-in-the-box...

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