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  1. #1
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Godfrey and me: dreaming of a trite Christmas (interactive adventure edition)

    Godfrey sat slouched into the armchair, draining my stockpile of Kronenberg 1664 with stoic slurps, one bottle after another. He barely came up for breath.

    I looked on horrified. Not only was my cache of lager rapidly depleting but my living room had essentially been commandeered by a fucking tramp. Godfrey now had the upperhand.

    He flicked through the channels on the television, only speaking to voice his disapproval at the 'fucking shite they had the gumption to air these days'. He told me that in his day, at this time of the year, he'd be sitting down to a Sky at Night special, hosted by Patrick Moore, one of his erstwhile heroes. But nowadays, he hissed vehemently at the television set, we had to suffer chat shows hosted by faggots who had arseholes full of spunk and mouths full of mince.

    Godfrey became so incensed with the current state of televisual play that he hit the standby button on the remote, and a marvellous hush fell over the room, until...

    "You got anything stronger than this?" Godfrey stole an accusing glance at the empty bottle of Kronenberg clutched in his right hand, then looked to me with tired yet inquiring eyes.

    I had vodka, I had scotch, I had a large bottle of gin and some peach schnaps. I also had a bottle of sherry. A very old bottle of sherry. A very old bottle of sherry which, if imbibed, would likely lead to the disintegration of vital organs and the subsequent demise of the consumer.

    "Yes, Godfrey, I have got something stronger than that."

    Two minutes later Godfrey had drained the old bottle of sherry. His eyes rolled into the back of his head. He swayed on his seat. His breathing became laboured and a weak croaking sound emitted from the back of his throat. He slumped forwards and fell on the floor, his limbs splayed at impossible angles, his feet and hands twitching at irregular intervals. Then... nothing. Godfrey had expired, right there on the carpet, next to the Christmas edition of the Radio Times.

    I rolled his lifeless body over with my foot, revealing a face void of expression but trimmed with a small trickle of the old sherry emanating from the corner of his mouth and tracing a path down his neck.
    I began to laugh. What begun as a guilty snigger quickly developed into a robust, uncontrollable guffaw. I had killed Godfrey stone-dead with a bottle of fucking sherry. Hark! The herald angels sing, Godfrey’s gone… ding a ling a ling.

    Then Por walked into the room holding a Tour de France 2015 route plan, making considered comment concerning the lack of mountain stages in this year’s route. Granny was behind him swigging with wild abandon from a bottle of Lao Khao; she appeared to be adorned in a suicide vest made from betel nut and a hat made from the husk of a coconut, and…

    A dream..

    A bloody dream!

    I jolted to on the sofa.

    Someone was banging on the door...



    Adventure game book time:

    You can

    a) answer the door

    or

    b) stay on the sofa and ignore the banging





  2. #2
    The Pikey Hunter
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    I had vodka, I had scotch, I had a large bottle of gin and some peach schnaps. I also had a bottle of sherry. A very old bottle of sherry. A very old bottle of sherry which, if imbibed, would likely lead to the disintegration of vital organs and the subsequent demise of the consumer.
    "Yes, Godfrey, I have got something stronger than that."
    Domestos would have done the trick I think.

    Option b please.

  3. #3
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    a ... ...

  4. #4
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    Drunkards....

  5. #5
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    Peach schnapps and sherry?

    Fucking shifter.
    Godfrey needs and accident where he loses at least one limb.

    So A.


    Poove.

  6. #6
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Necron99
    Godfrey needs and accident where he loses at least one limb.
    This adventure could see Godders heading out East. He may lose his penis.

  7. #7
    The Pikey Hunter
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    ^ I suspect he has no use for it anyway.

  8. #8
    splendid and tremendous
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    ^ Godders tends to win every wee-wee tournament he enters.

    2 As, 1B thus far.

    The adventure shall continue forthwith...

  9. #9
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    Geoffrey's a fookin legend, can't be killed by conventional weapons

  10. #10
    POTUS HOCUS
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    Are you two an item now?

  11. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by david44 View Post
    Are you two an item now?

    A shifterhood.

  12. #12
    I am in Jail

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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap View Post
    Kronenberg 1664

    Tried it for the first time on New Year's Eve....not a bad drop. Quite unexpectedly fruity, with yet another fruity aftertaste. Had 3 of them.....as many beers as I'd had the entire year !

  13. #13
    Gohills flip-flops wearer
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    Quote Originally Posted by thaimeme
    A shifterhood.

  14. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by Latindancer
    Quite unexpectedly fruity, with yet another fruity aftertaste.
    Pretty much surmises the op

  15. #15
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by thaimeme
    A shifterhood
    Quote Originally Posted by david44
    Are you two an item now?
    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    2 As
    I opened the door and there stood Godfrey looking as ravishing as ever. With nary a word he stripped down stark bollock naked and pointed his anus in the air. I smashed that young homeless fool 's arse to shreds, chucked him a fiver and told him to get the fuck off my property.

    And they all lived happily ever after.

  16. #16
    I am in Jail

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    I thought he died ? Now a zombie, or vampire ? (How long had he been dead ?)

    Erm...I think I would've preferred option (B).

  17. #17
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by Latindancer
    Erm...I think I would've preferred option (B)
    Trust me. All roads led to violent buggery.

  18. #18
    I am in Jail

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    Can I send ENT over there ? It's alright....he's been pre-zombified.

  19. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    I opened the door and there stood Godfrey looking as ravishing as ever.

  20. #20
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    I smashed that young homeless fool 's arse to shreds,

    So You two weren't playing X-Box then ?

  21. #21
    Gohills flip-flops wearer
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    I opened the door and there stood Godfrey looking as ravishing as ever. With nary a word he stripped down stark bollock naked and pointed his anus in the air. I smashed that young homeless fool 's arse to shreds, chucked him a fiver and told him to get the fuck off my property.
    Glad to see romance is not dead.

  22. #22
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    I think ya supposed to have a wee bit more in the middle if youse wantin a story, like.

  23. #23
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    Any updates? Tis Friday after all!

  24. #24
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    i think he was arrested today, or was it withnall.




    By Telegraph reporter 12:23PM GMT 16 Jan 2015

    A man pulled down his pants in front of startled shoppers and tried to have sex with a postbox.





    Paul Bennett, 45, "started to make sexual advances" towards the traditional red pillar and shouted "wow" while rubbing himself up and down against it.

    A woman shopper saw him performing the bizarre and lewd act in the Scholes Precinct in Greater Manchester on September 9 last year.

    Bennett pleaded guilty to two charges of indecent exposure and using threatening and abusive words with abusive behaviour at Wigan and Leigh Magistrates Court.

    Katie Beattie, prosecuting, said the complainant heard shouting and swearing outside her window and saw the drunken defendant arguing with a woman.
    Related Articles


    The woman left and Bennett lay down on a bench in the precinct and started to shout, before sitting up and exposing himself by pulling his trousers down.

    Miss Beattie said he then began performing a sex act and walked over to the postbox and "started to make sexual advances towards it".

    The court was told the woman then witnessed Bennett rubbing up against the postbox with his trousers down before walking away.

    The defendant's arms were raised described as being in a star position, as he continued to expose himself while shouting "wow".

    Ms Beattie said: "The victim was alarmed by his behaviour. The victim rang the police. She was disgusted by his behaviour."

    Bennett pulled his pants up then swung on a lamppost before looking at a reflection of himself in a window.

    He was found by police officers at the front of a shop in the precinct where he was still exposing himself.

    The court heard that drunken Bennett became agitated and clenched his teeth as he shouted and swore at the officers.

    Defending, Martin Jones said: "The lady watched for some time and was ashamed, disgusted and upset and my client accepts that.

    "Clearly there are issues that need to be addressed."

    Bennett was handed a 12-month community order with an alcohol treatment and supervision requirement.

    He was also ordered to pay 50 compensation to the victim, 150 court costs and a 60 victim surcharge and told to sign the Sex Offenders Register.
    the daily telegraph

    Drunk man tries to have sex with postbox - Telegraph
    Last edited by taxexile; 16-01-2015 at 11:06 PM.

  25. #25
    The Pikey Hunter
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    Quote Originally Posted by taxexile
    a 60 victim surcharge
    That was awarded to the postbox I assume?

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