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  1. #1
    splendid and tremendous
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    Godfrey and me: 'Twas the night before Christmas

    It had been a long day. Presents had finally been bought and wrapped. The fridge was stocked, the turkey stuffed, the cupboards brimming with port, sherry, mince pies and other assorted festive paraphernalia. And the children, after much fidgeting, tossing and turning, had finally settled into an expectant slumber. Indeed Father Christmas would presently arrive, and the now much revered stockings which hung by their bedsides would soon be overflowing with gifts. Of course, concerning Santa Claus, the youngsters rightly had a few queries regarding the practicalities of delivering a sack-load of presents to each of the world's two billion children - and we don't even have a chimney. We live in a flat, with security and fire doors to negotiate. You need about 17 keys just to get into the fucking building. It would indeed be a logistical nightmare for jolly Saint Nic - but let's let him worry about that, shall we?

    Sitting on the sofa, I’d just ended the existence of a large glass of brandy, and the mince pies, while offering the requisite stodge to send me into a deep and peaceful sleep, crumbled easily and offered the palate an invigorating hit of tangy goodness. Lackadaisically flicking between channels on the television, my eyelids, heavy from the day’s toil, began to droop, and appreciative noises of contentment were made - the glorious onset of unconsciousness now waiting with wide open arms… mmm… ahhh… ooh…. faa… la la la la… a saviour’s born... slap… bang… bangbangbang… slap… bangbangbang… SLAP BANG BANG BANG OPEN THE DOOR BANG BANG BANG….

    Jesus Christ!

    The sharp rapping on the door was incessant. Perpetual. Only punctuated by cursory interjection.

    Let me in!

    BANG BANG BANG…

    Open the door!

    BANG BANG BANG…

    Come on Slap!

    BANG BANG BANG...

    I know you’re in there!

    BANG BANG BANG...

    It was fucking Godfrey. How on earth had he found me? If there’s one thing you simply do not do, it’s let Godfrey know where you reside. Godfrey was a bit like a fighting chicken. He would never be able to dispatch one decisive killer blow, but after hours, days, weeks, months, years, he would finally wear down his prey, leaving behind him the psychologically scarred remains of once reasonably well-rounded individuals. Godfrey was indeed a fucking menace.

    BANG BANG BANG…

    The pounding continued. It was obvious that Godfrey would be going nowhere until his desire to enter my flat had been satiated.

    “What do you want?”, I offered through the closed door.

    This appeared to appease Godfrey’s animalistic thrashing there at the threshold, and the knocking ceased. It was replaced with angelic tones.

    “I have some gifts for your children”, he sung with a kind of melancholy. “Please, I only stopped by to give the children some gifts”.

    “How do you know where I live?”, this was a question that begged asking.

    “Big Stan told me”

    “How the fuck does Big Stan know where I live?”

    “Big Stan keeps his ear to the ground”

    How could I argue with this? Big Stan did indeed keep his ear to the ground. The nasty fat bastard sleeps on a fucking pavement.

    I opened the door and there he was. Godfrey! He wore a pair of jeans with more holes than actual jean, a dark pullover covered in a selection of unsightly crustaceans, on his left foot a tatty Dunlop Green Flash, on his right an old flip flop, and perhaps most surprisingly, a pair of sunglasses which hung on his face at a crooked angle. Godfrey looked like he’d been dragged backward through a car boot sale.

    In his right hand he clutched a black plastic sack, in which I assumed contained the entirety of his worldly possessions. In his left hand he clutched dearly onto a fistful of stones, or the kids’ Christmas presents as he went on to reveal. Godfrey, it transpired, was something of a traditionalist, and had sought to further endow the children’s stockings with satsumas and coals. But on this occasion a handful of pebbles from the pub car park would have to suffice.

    He handed me the stones, each of which were totally unremarkable save for the accumulation of seasonal crud.

    “All this Christmas shopping could make a man thirsty”, remarked Godfrey en route to the fridge.

    ‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, was the whiff of stale urine and Famous Old Grouse

    To be continued...

  2. #2
    Lord of Swine
    Necron99's Avatar
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    Godfrey needs a swift kick in the nuts, a shot of M99 to the neck and a swift Dexter style disposal.
    You don't need enablers like this in your life.....

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    the youngsters rightly had a few queries regarding the practicalities of delivering a sack-load of presents to each of the world's two billion children - and we don't even have a chimney. We live in a flat, with security and fire doors to negotiate. You need about 17 keys just to get into the fucking building

    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    BANG BANG BANG...

    It was fucking Godfrey
    Hang on, is Godfrey Santa Claus?

    Did he empty his sack?

  4. #4
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    Wondering what old abandoned Por is thinking of this crap....

  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by thaimeme View Post
    Wondering what old abandoned Por is thinking of this crap....

    Amateur Pretenders tot he throne...

  6. #6
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    I miss Por ,

  7. #7
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by Necron99
    You don't need enablers like this in your life.....
    Tis the season of goodwill and all that.



    Quote Originally Posted by Dillinger
    Hang on, is Godfrey Santa Claus?
    Godfrey, a man who survives by his cunning alone, will not be bested by a lockatwo, or a cockatwo, or even Big Stan's boner after a dose of that dodgy Afghan kamagra gel.

    Quote Originally Posted by thaimeme
    Wondering what old abandoned Por is thinking of this crap....
    On the contrary. Por now has free reign of the farmhouse. Bastard!

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    ‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, was the whiff of stale urine and Famous Old Grouse
    and then Geoffers turned up?

  9. #9
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    OP that was sheer brilliance in literate postulation. I fear I am now enamoured of the benighted Godfrey.
    Is he pre-destined to become the rich mans Por?
    save me please.

    I do hope the pebbles are not transmogrified into Stones' bitter, it tastes like sick.

  10. #10
    En route
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    Quote Originally Posted by snakeeyes View Post
    I miss Por ,
    Me too.
    This piece reminds me of Spike Milligans musings. Particulary his war memoirs, Hitler, my part in his downfall, Monty, his part in my victory, Rommel? Gunner who? and Mussilini, his part in my downfall. All ripping good yarns, and which people (not us) pay particularly good money for.
    "In my professional assessment as an intelligence officer, Trump has a reflexive, defensive, monumentally narcissistic personality, for whom the facts and national interest are irrelevant, and the only thing that counts is whatever gives personal advantage and directs attention to himself."

  11. #11
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kurgen
    and then Geoffers turned up?
    Keep up, Kurgers. Godders is the fellow that turned up. Geoffers is getting an arse pummelling behind the local lavs... as is his wont, and happily his vocation.



    Quote Originally Posted by chassamui
    Is he pre-destined to become the rich mans Por?
    Godfrey is many rungs further down the ladder of poverty than Por. Por is practically a king in Isaan at present. The saucy sod.



    Quote Originally Posted by Koojo
    Me too.
    Fear ye not. I'm currently planning for a farming project - Por shall be integral to the operation.

  12. #12
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    Bang Bang Bang.
    S. O. S.

  13. #13
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    I think that Bollinger may be visiting tomorrow...Wave goodbye to the lao khaow!

  14. #14
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    Twas the night before Xmas.....no it freakin isn't, tis a full week later! See the trouble the Godfrey brings down on you!?

  15. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by snakeeyes View Post
    I miss Por ,
    Por and Issan, Godfrey and rural UK.

    Book 1 and Book 2.

    Perfect.

    I"ll buy it.

  16. #16
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by charleyboy
    I think that Bollinger may be visiting tomorrow...Wave goodbye to the lao khaow!
    Boll shats it at the sight of a bottle of pear flavour Magners.

    I'm quite confident my lau khao is staying put.



    Quote Originally Posted by kingwilly
    Por and Issan, Godfrey and rural UK.
    In honesty I do have plans for Godfrey. Just developing his character at present. So far he likes a drink and, well, that's it.

  17. #17
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    Godfrey is gonna move to Thailand and start TEFLing, marry a bint, get fired, get divorced, lose his meagre life savings/inheritance. ...?

  18. #18
    lom
    lom is offline
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    Quote Originally Posted by kingwilly View Post
    Godfrey is gonna move to Thailand and start TEFLing, marry a bint, get fired, get divorced, lose his meagre life savings/inheritance. ...?
    You think it is an autobiography?

  19. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by kingwilly
    lose his meagre life savings/inheritance.
    I think you're misunderstanding Godfrey - he couldn't even get the plane fare to Thailand, actually that would make a book in itself; in fact an entire Godfrey series would need to be written before he ever made it to Thailand, which he probably never would...

  20. #20
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by lom View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by kingwilly View Post
    Godfrey is gonna move to Thailand and start TEFLing, marry a bint, get fired, get divorced, lose his meagre life savings/inheritance. ...?
    You think it is an autobiography?
    Indeed, Willy appears to have regaled, rather succinctly, my life story - apart from the loss of savings bit because I never had any in the first place.

  21. #21
    Gohills flip-flops wearer
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    Indeed, Willy appears to have regaled, rather succinctly, my life story
    He seems to have neglected farmyard buggerings and toothless fellatio.

  22. #22
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bettyboo
    which he probably never would...
    I think you're underestimating the tenacity of Godfrey. At present I think he has designs on relieving the village post office of all of their currency. Something he intends to actuate with the use of a robust french stick and an old sports sock.

  23. #23
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Bettyboo
    which he probably never would...
    I think you're underestimating the tenacity of Godfrey. At present I think he has designs on relieving the village post office of all of their currency. Something he intends to actuate with the use of a robust french stick and an old sports sock.
    Sounds interesting, but at what point does Malcolm's mother enter the affray?
    How do I post these pictures???

  24. #24
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by withnallstoke
    He seems to have neglected farmyard buggerings and toothless fellatio.
    The X-rated version will likely elciit projectile sickage from the layman. I think Willy penned his tale with the masses in mind.

  25. #25
    Gohills flip-flops wearer
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bettyboo
    at what point does Malcolm's mother enter the affray?
    Put her from your mind, you sick bastard.

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