Slap's culinary capers #4568

[somtamslap]

I had a moment of culinary clarity last Tuesday.

1pm - or 'lunch time' to we of the rat-race - rolled around. That someone should dictate the hour at which I eat is thoroughly fucking irking. How dare you! How dare you decide when I should take on sustenance. This is one of Thailand's great attributes - one simply has to utter the hallowed 'hui' and every fucker in earshot runs around in a delirious frenzy:

QUICK, SOMEONE'S HUNGRY! FEED HIM! FEED THE FUCKER NOW!

Anyway, back in the 21st century.

My local cafe does a tremendous line in jacket potatoes. I usually plump for the tuna mayo; occasionally diversifying with chicken and avacado; and once in a while, when Im feeling deliciously decadent, a few liberal ladles of chilli, bubbling under a thick blanket of extra mature cheddar - MmmmMmmm. Fantastic. I love food.

But on Tuesday, the proprietress informed me that they were regrettably fresh out of everything I liked.

"We 'av got some bacon, though. You want some bacon and brie, love?"

I replied in the affirmative, and in jest, as parochial British types do, told her not to scrimp.

And she didn't. The mad wench loaded the spud up with half a wheel of brie and 10 rashers of bacon.

I ate it. I ate it all. I felt the blood in my arteries coagulate. My vision became blurred. My stomach turned in tumultous waves. I seriously feared for my life.
Had I been bested by a fucking baked potato?

That afternoon, as the brouhaha began to settle, I vowed that I should start eating a healthy and balanced diet. Lots of fruit. Lots of veg. Fish wherever possible. Plenty of water.

So on the Wednesday I opted for a prawn and avacado salad sandwich on wholemeal bread with mininal mayonaise. This I washed down with bottle of sparkling mineral water.



In Tescos that evening I agonised over the supper choices. The hour was late, and cooking was out of the question. I needed a ready meal. A healthy ready meal which wasn't glowing with chemicals. And with this little box of delights I think I struck gold.

Root veg mash, people. Root veg!



However, once I arrived home it became apparent, upon inspecting the packaging for cooking instructions, that I'd overlooked one vital piece of information. This ready meal was only suitable for microwaving - and I don't have a microwave.

15 minutes later I was staring this badboy in the face...



'Tis an intricately woven tapestry... both life and that pizza.

[bsnub]

Good god that pizza looks hideous. Is that a typical pizza in the UK?

[Bettyboo]

^^ need something in the pic to realize the size.

Is the pizza bigger than a beachball or about the size of a kleenex?

[Necron99]

^^ Whats wrong with the pizza according to the man who has never posted a food pic?



Gay lunch Slap, how many pooves hit on you in the cafe?

Some redemption in the excellent pizza though. Knock it all off in one go?

[thaimeme]

That's an all-time low - even for the POMS.

Prepared, processed, and packaged mash.

Disgusting.

[withnallstoke]

on the Wednesday I opted for a prawn and avacado salad sandwich on wholemeal bread with mininal mayonaise. This I washed down with bottle of sparkling mineral water.

[bsnub]

Whats wrong with the pizza according to the man who has never posted a food pic?

Looks like shit. All the toppings are off to one side because the delivery driver was punching it. While I must say from what I see slap choose the good toppings, however the dough and the overall quality looks like a crappy Dominos delivery.

Also just look at how it was cut. No uniformity. Ghetto

[Topper]

Also just look at how it was cut. No uniformity. Ghetto

If it was delivered in 15 minutes, then it's well worth it. Looks good to me.

[Bogon]

Also just look at how it was cut. No uniformity. Ghetto

Never heard a pizza referred to as "ghetto" before.

Maybe Slaps ate it on a corner in "the hood" and popped a cap in someones ass?

Westside Slapper my n*%^!r...

[Nathan Napalm]

Aaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

[kingwilly]

So on the Wednesday I opted for a prawn and avacado salad sandwich on wholemeal bread with mininal mayonaise. This I washed down with bottle of sparkling mineral water.

[cyrille]

Looks good to me.

So did this...

[thaimeme]

Looks good to me.

So did this...

Indeed...

[somtamslap]

Good god that pizza looks hideous. Is that a typical pizza in the UK?

Well if you want to start getting all funny about it:

Domino's Pizza

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
"Domino's" redirects here. For the gaming pieces, see Dominoes.
Domino's Pizza The current Domino's logo introduced in 2012.
Type Public Traded as NYSE: DPZ Industry Restaurants Founded Ypsilanti, Michigan on June 10, 1960 Headquarters Domino Farms Office Park
Ann Arbor Charter Township, Michigan, United States Area served Worldwide Key people Tom Monaghan, Founder
J. Patrick Doyle, CEO Products Italian-American cuisine, Pizza, pasta, chicken wings, submarine sandwiches, wraps, desserts Revenue $1.802 billion USD (2013)[1] Employees 220,000 (Dec 2013)[1] Website www.dominos.com Domino's Pizza is an American restaurant chain and international franchise pizza delivery corporation headquartered at the Domino Farms Office Park (the campus being owned by Domino's Pizza co-founder Tom Monaghan) in Ann Arbor Charter Township, Michigan, United States, near Ann Arbor, Michigan.[2][3] Founded in 1960, Domino's is the second-largest pizza chain in the United States (after Pizza Hut)[4] and the largest worldwide, with more than 10,000 corporate and franchised stores[5] in 70 countries.[6] Domino's Pizza was sold to Bain Capital in 1998 and went public in 2004.

[somtamslap]

Is the pizza bigger than a beachball or about the size of a kleenex?

Beach ball-esque, Betsy.

how many pooves hit on you in the cafe?

Plenty. We're all gonna have an arse party in Selhurst this evening. 'Bring a Bottie', we're calling it.

[Bogon]

Just found this pizza lying on the road at the top of my Soi.

Sure it resinates a few of those cat escapades around the Pak Chong area Slappers?

[somtamslap]

^ A most cathartic repast, I'd venture.

[Bettyboo]

Beach ball-esque, Betsy.

Word up, brother.

Just ti be clear on my position, I'm all:

[somtamslap]

Yes. And the remaining three slices made for a most satsfactory appertiser. This evening a vegetable mousaka waits my undivided attention. And two large measures of Moretti, of fucking course.

[kingwilly]

vegetable mousaka

[kingwilly]

I suppose you like to dance like it's the last dance too?

And practice yoga.

And order skinny soi milk decaff lattes, no cream?

[somtamslap]

And order skinny soi milk decaff lattes, no cream?

Absolutely. Whilst wearing frilly crotchless pants.

[kingwilly]

Thought so. Fooking gaylord poove.

[Little Chuchok]

And order skinny soi milk decaff lattes, no cream?

Absolutely. Whilst wearing frilly crotchless pants.

Nice...

[withnallstoke]

Dear Mr. Slap.

Does your missus know you've turned into a hermer sexrual?

The last time she saw you, you were a fat drunken bloke conversing with Por on the same level.

When she sees you again next week she will surely wonder who the fuck this lycra clad faddy eater is.

Personally, i hope she boots you in your bollocks and mans you the fuck back up.