My friend Godfrey phoned me last week. This surprised me. Anything of any worth - mobile phones included - that comes into contact with Godfrey is usually bartered in exchange for alcohol before you can say Tennents Super. Godfrey was, and still is, the last of the big time drinkers. He can make gin disappear just by looking at it. I once knew him, during a more monied era, to order a pint of Barcadi and coke, oh, and hold the coke. Yet here he was, clear as a bell, prattling away nineteen to the dozen into my Samsung. He'd had enough of the booze, he told me. Was cleaning up his act. Wanted to get in shape. Meet a girl. Go the 2.4 kids and mortgage route.
A graduate of the University of Warwick with first class honours in the field of Biological Sciences, we were all a little perplexed when Godfrey had developed an alarming affinity for the top shelf at his local pub. And of course one thing led to another. The pub was soon replaced with the off license. The off license swapped with low-brow supermarket chains. And the supermarkets eventually leading him into the seductive arms of a crack dealer.
He spent the subsequent decade teetering on the verge of oblivion - living in squalor, existing by the grace of the almighty, going through motions which would surely see him shuffle prematurely off this mortal coil.
But now, exuding that erstwhile joie de vivre, Godfrey inquired into whether or not I'd like to go for a bike ride. He'd heard I was back in town and that I now spent most of my weekends pottering around the countryside on my bicycle, and he was keen to follow suit.
I tentatively agreed. This had the potential to end messily in a ditch somewhere. But there was real resolve in Godfrey's tone. This appeared to be do or die for him.
I asked him if he had a bike. He responded in the positive. 'An old off-road vessel' as he described it.
I decided that we should cycle a stretch of the South Downs Way, from Petersfield to Brighton. About 40 miles of hard pack tracks and field paths. A perfect opportunity for the rotting Godfrey to rejuvenate - the bracing late autumnal air being enough to revitalise the most tattered of souls.
We met at Petersfield train station. Godfrey turned up on a fucking BMX.
He went on to inform me that both tyres were flat and asked if I'd be able to fix them. I began to prize one of them off the rim with my thumbs but it disintegrated; the tyre literally perished in my hands. How old was this fucking bike?
Godfrey said that he'd liberated it from a skip. Godfrey was starting to annoy me.
We found a bike shop and bought two new tyres and inner-tubes before making a beeline for the Downs Way. Godfrey didn't look comfortable. He was totally out of his comfort zone. The poor bastard looked like a fat slug clinging to a skinny twig.
Locating the start of the route I thought it wise to stock up on essentials. My ordnance survey map suggested that we had at least 15 miles of fairly rugged terrain to traverse before the next village.
I bought some water from a pub. Still for me, sparkling for Godfrey...
During first mile or so we were afforded the luxury of smooth tarmac - the gradient was even and Godfrey was chipper. He spoke of his new life in sanguine sentences and even cracked wise about his previous world of shame and self-indulgence...
We entered the first heavily wooded section, the sun's rays intermittently piercing the ebbing canopy cover. Godfrey's BMX, although fresh from a rubbish bin, was tackling the early stages of the ride fairly efficiently. My cyclo-crosser, on the other hand, was proving a little cumbersome and clunky...
Unfortunately, after being eased into the ride with some pleasant easy rolling, the route soon developed an arduous trend. It was muddy and climbing was plentiful as we pushed hard on the pedals up the Downs. Godfrey had now started to mutter expletives under his breath. He was covered with a thick layer of sweat which stank of stale alcohol...
After a particularly testing ascent, Godfrey finally snapped. He looked like a rabid animal. He barked at me for choosing such a 'complete bastard of a fucking road'. He was visibly shaking and often totally incoherent. I was able to surmise that Godfrey was in the throes of severe beer withdrawal - the ride had served to rid his body of every single cubic millimetre of booze. I considered this and opted for the tough love approach. Onwards Godfrey!
Some 10 miles in we located a farm shop, where the farmer happily had snacks for sale. Godfrey asked him if he had any cider. The farmer said that the best he could do was a full-fat can of Coke. Godfrey just about wept but took it anyway...
The farm in question is visible in this shot...
The can of coke is visible in this one...
Just after lunch Godfrey attacked me. Actually physically attacked me. I was admiring the view from the crest of yet another summit, when from the corner of my eye I saw the struggling gait of Godfrey moving towards me with his fists up. He struck my arm with as much strength as he could muster and called me a kunt. I said to Godfrey that if we get to our designated station, some 15 more miles up the road, for our train home, I would buy him a pint. Godfrey perked up at once.
Reaching the brow of yet another hill, I turned about face to inspect my handiwork and was greeted with an amazing sight. A bevy of deer sweeping majestically across the plains...
Godfrey, as expected, was unmoved, and simply made noises about 'cracking on'.
At 4pm, the sun, as it does at this time of year, began to set. Godfrey wasn't the only one panicking now. We still had five miles to cover...
But there's always time for a gratuitous jumping shot...
Finally. A train station. And a delightful one at that.
Godfrey! To the pub, dear boy!