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  1. #101
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    Eeyup.

  2. #102
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap View Post
    Continued...

    Initially buoyed by the sight of the train pulling into the station, Godfrey's good mood dramatically diminished upon noting the absence of a buffet car or even a trolley service. It did indeed seem apparent that these particular carriages would be unable to bequeath him that oh-so-very-important measure of alcohol. This spelled trouble.

    For the last five miles of the ride Godfrey had been composing something of a wish-list. Proceedings, according to his precisely formulated program, would commence with a quadruple gin and tonic, with no tonic. Followed by several cans of 'the strongest beer on the train'. He would then pass out for the remainder of the journey before falling into our local Whetherspoons where he had apparently made plans to liase with his friend and fellow inebriate, Big Stan. The evening, one could only speculate, would continue in a whirlwind of blood, sick and quite possibly semen, before finally concluding in a gutter or perhaps a public lavatory - as is Godfrey's wont.

    But as the train shunted to a stop sans liquid refreshment, Godfrey's hopes of a marvellous evening of culture and refinement seemed to have been thwarted.

    'Fuck!' He snarled as we boarded.

    Godfrey went on to warn me that if he had to endure one more minute of sobriety he was liable to have 'a moment'. I wasn't sure how this should be interpreted but consoled him in the knowledge that home, and, of course, the pub, were a mere hour up the line. This, though, failed to subdue the now visibly frothing Godfrey.

    Letting his BMX fall on its side with a resounding clatter, he pressed irritably at the door button dividing the carriages and marched furiously down the aisle. However, not five seconds into his impromptu quest he stopped. He appeared to be scrutinising something to his left. Five, 10, 20, 60 seconds past - and still he stood, rooted to the spot. When he finally turned around to face me he had a grin, a downright demonic grin, etched not only into his face, but also into the bare metal of his soul. He frantically beckoned me to come hither. I hurried down the carriage, eager see the reason behind this unusual turn of events.

    And then I saw it.

    Godfrey had found beer...

    Ahem..... Mr Slap, I don't recall Southern trains having red upholstery or livery...

  3. #103
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    ^ Good catch, toslti. Looks like inside a South West trains coach.

  4. #104
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    Quote Originally Posted by toslti
    I don't recall Southern trains having red upholstery
    Never been on a football special?

  5. #105
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    Question Dick Terpin?

    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap View Post
    Continued... Big Stan

    Pilfering the slumbering fellow's can of Stella, Godfrey put paid to it in one gargantuan slurp and subsequently pronounced the Belgians the best people on the planet. C'est magnifique, he said through a boisterous belch.

    Having suppressed the onslaught of sobriety, Godfrey's demeanour had radically altered. Godfrey was no longer skittish and jumpy and ready to break out into an impromptu display of public masturbation. He was calm, normal even. However, when the suited gent began to stir from his snooze, Godfrey made a rapid beeline for his life and ran away as fast as he could, in the opposite direction to the bikes. Godfrey was indeed a coward.

    The train was now beginning to brake for our stop, and after catching Godfey up I inquired into what he wanted to do with his BMX.

    Oh fuck the BMX, he told me.

    Yes, fuck the BMX. It was certainly a piece of shit. I'd been surprised that Godfrey had managed to pilot it as far as he had without the frame snapping in half or a wheel falling off.

    I took my bike and left the BMX where Godrey had initially dumped it. It rattled impotent and lonely on the floor. This was rather symbolic.

    Out on the platform and Godfrey was already high-tailing towards the exit. 'Come on', he urged me to hasten my stride. Big Stan, he continued, had had a productive afternoon in the bookies and we had to catch him before he drank all his earnings. Where some people's eyes flash with dollar signs, Godrey's now shone with shot glasses...

    But alas.

    Too late...

    Big Stan had guzzled the lot.

    Stan and de liver?

  6. #106
    Gohills flip-flops wearer
    withnallstoke's Avatar
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    It's time you and your ilk knocked all this drinking on the head.

    Perhaps a very expensive detox on an exclusive Samuii beach resort?

    Or a subsidised (free for the poor) stop in a Young Mans Christian Association?


  7. #107
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    Many discharged seamen started thus


  8. #108
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by toslti
    Ahem..... Mr Slap, I don't recall Southern trains having red upholstery or livery..
    Well spotted. Yes, it's a South West carriage. Caught the Southern service from Amberley to Havant and then up into town.



    Quote Originally Posted by withnallstoke
    Perhaps a very expensive detox on an exclusive Samuii beach resort?
    Where one pays several billion baht not to drink beer. I'm fairly sure Godders wouldn't appreciate this course of action.

  9. #109
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    I hate those curvy seats in pubs.

  10. #110
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    ^ Big Stan seems to find them comfy enough.

  11. #111
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap View Post
    ^ Big Stan seems to find them comfy enough.
    To be fair he'd probably find a concrete floor just as comfy right now.

  12. #112
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    No, but look at the size of the seat. It is for small bottoms. If you sit up straight.

    And that upholstered back. Yuk, with all the sweaty, greasy heads that have touched it.

  13. #113
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    Quote Originally Posted by patsycat View Post
    No, but look at the size of the seat. It is for small bottoms. If you sit up straight.

    And that upholstered back. Yuk, with all the sweaty, greasy heads that have touched it.
    So you saw the kiss and tells of my instrument

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