Saturday evening musings/Sunday morning mountain biking
Mr Slap sat nestled into his sofa quaffing rampantly at a large bottle of Bierre Moretti. It was indeed a fine beverage. He made a mental note to buy more of it. Lots more. It certainly had the potential to become his lager of choice - and lager, if truth be told, played an integral role in Mr Slap's existence; acted as a lubricant if you will; greased the wheels; oiled the intricacies; made the whole damn gig a little easier to endure.
The X Factor was on. It was either that or Casualty. Factor prevailed for several reasons; a) Cheryl Cole was capable of eliciting seismic activity in Mr Slap's underpants; Mr Slap, as well as being a alcoholic beverage aficionado, was also a keen participant on the masturbation circuit, and any excuse sent him a scuttle, pants around ankles, into the bathroom for another 30 seconds of warfare. Secondly, perhaps the deciding element in his decision to watch the X Factor, was that the contestants were generally woeful - not just at singing, but also at being members of the human race. And how Mr Slap loved a little schadenfreude. A socially acceptable public flogging was now taking place on ITV 1 and Mr Slap, along with his bottle of Bierre Moretti, was lapping it up.
Currently crooning her way through a verse of contemporary claptrap was a pretty little twenty-something. Although her breasts bulged, her body was shapely, and her splendidly formed backside perched atop a pair of long, bronzed pins, she had all the airs and graces of someone who'd been living with wolves for the past decade.
"Please Simon. Give me a yes vote. I beg you!"
"Twat!", thought Mr Slap, but affectionately.
A breeze shunted the living room curtain.
A trace of autumnal air scented the room.
Mr Slap inhaled, deeply - totally awed by the seasonal shift.
"Tomorrow", he vowed, "I shall go outside!"
And so it transpired...
With this 29er
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And these trails
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An extremely wholesome Sabbath was had.
Totally void of Cowell and Cole's world of shame.
Until about 9pm this evening anyway...