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  1. #1
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    'Cos there ain't no cure for the summertime blues...

    It appears summer has arrived. Cue the British public having a collective orgasm. One day, just one day of sunshine sends these people into a frenzy of wild delirium. Barbeques are brandished. Parasols and Pimm's cup purchased. Repulsive wads of sagging flesh exposed. It ain't half hot, mum.

    Meanwhile, a certain Mr. Slap, having recently relocated to the old country, fresh from a decade of appalling behaviour in the wilds of Southeast Asia, is decidedly unimpressed.

    Hot? HOT?! This is a chilly evening in Chiang Mai at best. I actually find the presence of barbecues offensive, and could you please tuck in your thighs before I introduce my breakfast, by way of projectile vomit, to your face. The Pimm's cup, on the other hand, can be left here. And bring me some Special Brew, too. Summoning an alarming level of intoxication may see me negotiate these impromptu festivities without damaging someone with the business end of a bratwurst.

    This isn't heat. Heat is when you have to remove your nutsack from your inner-thigh with a hammer and chisel. Heat is when you are literally unable to string together a coherent thought. Heat is when you are moved sufficiently enough to address the sun as a "sadistic twat". Heat is when you lose 5 kilos in sweat every time you have a wank. Heat is when you can defrost the freezer just by looking at it. Heat is when you spend the majority of your waking moments with a fan trained on to your face. Heat is when you can boil an egg in a fucking puddle.

    Don't talk to me about heat.

    Talk to me about the roadworks on the flyover. Talk to me about the price of tungsten tip screws in Homebase. Talk to me about the roasted root vegetable medley you had for tea last night. Hell, talk to me about about your pet ferret's anal fissures. But do not, ever, talk to me about the heat.

    Other than that, it's quite hot in England today.

  2. #2
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    bobo746's Avatar
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    Good luck back in the old country mate

  3. #3
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    Fucking hot here to slappers, the beerlao are nowhere near cold enough. It's awful.

  4. #4
    POTUS HOCUS
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    Slappertime and the living is easy,Pimms you are obviously beyond the yadong legopener set then?


  5. #5
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    Heat is when you have to remove your nutsack from your inner-thigh with a hammer and chisel.
    possible the most accurate description i have ever read of the scorching humid furnace that is thailand in may.

  6. #6
    TD Fat Club VP Dillinger's Avatar
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    With you there bruv, Heat is when you rub your forefinger down the side of your sack, impress it upon your friend and take a good beating

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dillinger
    Heat is when you rub your forefinger down the side of your sack, impress it upon your friend and take a good beating
    This is poof, shifter and skifter all in 1...

  8. #8
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    ^\ ^

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  10. #10
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Nup. It's blowing a fucking gale now. That's summer over and done with then.

  11. #11
    TD Fat Club VP Dillinger's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bettyboo
    This is poof, shifter and skifter all in 1..
    First time someone's called me a skifter, I would actually swap my left nut for a long summers day sat by the river in Stratford now,Morgan Heritage -Down by the River.: Morgan Heritage -Down by the River. - YouTube

  12. #12
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Loads of shirtless scum at the pub opposite Waitrose.

    Some of us have to work on the Monday.

    I'm probably paying for those twats to drink.

  13. #13
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    Hotter than Greece and Italy! Temperatures hit 25C across Britain as we bask in anoth










  14. #14
    TD Fat Club VP Dillinger's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by crippen
    Hotter than Greece and Italy! Temperatures hit 25C across Britain as we bask

  15. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by crippen
    Temperatures hit 25C across Britain
    25!

    Fukin'ell...



    Dil, you're a skifter! Ask Stoker, he knows all about that stuff, as does D44...

  16. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    Some of us have to work on the Monday.

    I'm probably paying for those twats to drink.
    Send us a fiver, Sweetheart, you know it's the right thing to do.

  17. #17
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    Out on my bike yeaterday ( 34 miles dont you know ) I stopped in a public house for a small ale, and a rather large fe-male was rubbing olive oil on her shoulders in the beer garden, Straight from the bottle. Hot i shxt it. Down hill i put on a second layer. I dressed to the left yesterday, and uncoupling was a doddle. 84 days and counting ( bar a civil war )

  18. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    It appears summer has arrived.
    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    Nup. It's blowing a fucking gale now. That's summer over and done with then.
    Sorry to really disappoint you Slap but summer is actually still over a month away, June 21st.

  19. #19
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by FloridaBorn
    Sorry to really disappoint you Slap but summer is actually still over a month away, June 21st.
    A mere detail.



    Quote Originally Posted by Breny
    Out on my bike yeaterday ( 34 miles dont you know )
    Cool. I got lost in south London on Friday evening. Ended up at Chessington South train station after riding from Croydon.

    34 miles is decent for a Saturday ride. What bike you on?

  20. #20
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    Ive got a mountain bike called Dirty Jo, thats the name of the frame. Im going to post some pics on when i can find my adapter ( uhh ur missus )

    Im currently in North Devon and the cycle paths are splendid. I actually had an older guy ask if i wanted to grab hold of his roof rack to pull me up the hill. At least that what i thought he said!

    PS the 34 miles took me about 5 hrs and three sausage rolls and 2 pints of beer.

  21. #21
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    A book you should read Slap while your back in the home country ( library ) One man and his bike by Mike Carter. Its a fantastic read, he cycles the 5000 miles around the coast of the UK.

  22. #22
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by Breny
    Ive got a mountain bike called Dirty Jo
    Biking 50 plus kms on a mountain bike is damn good going.

    Got one of these at the mo. Loving it. Apart from occasionally getting lost and being called wanker.


  23. #23
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by Breny
    One man and his bike by Mike Carter.
    Sounds good - I'll look it up.

  24. #24
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    Had a Sunday roast beef at the Hungry Horse today,
    Heat, talk about heat, the horse radish source, Pet ( hot)

  25. #25
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    Mad dogs and Englishmen.

    Spot on. Naked flesh everywhere: males, females and those of an indeterminate persuasion, especially down Asda's

    But you have to knuckle down to the heat. Large gin and tonic about mid-day, huge ice cubes from a plastic rubber tray that I've invested in.

    Down to the pub for a sundowner. Bloody cheek. They have removed the "Black Sheep" bitter that was an absolute darling. This political correctness is getting totally ridiculous.

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