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  1. #1
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Friday, payday: go to the pub or watch tv

    And so it came to pass, that after a month's worth of slavery, the fruits of my labour finally materialised and I was presented with a rather substantial sum of money. With this I was faced with several possible avenues to explore.

    The first has been tried and tested on numerous occasions and generally comprises the payee embarking on several days of robust alcohol and crack-cocaine abuse, with intermittent trips to various establishments of ill repute thrown in to add some range to the weekend's festivities. This little shindig will invariably conclude in a ditch soaked in large volumes of urine and sick after the sum of the pay cheque has been reduced to a handful of pound coins in the pocket - not even enough for a taxi home.

    The second path to consider is also somewhat typical. It customarily consists of the salaried individual callously squandering his hard-earned currency in a local watering hole. This is usually performed to a soundtrack of old folks discussing the poor turn-out of their allotments this year and the nauseating vocals of recalcitrant youths whose specialist subjects include fighting and fucking. It is commonplace during such scenarios to drag one of the offending juveniles into the car park and introduce them, several dozen times, to the large end of a pool cue, before staggering home via the kebab van for an hour of furious wanking.

    The third option is possibly the most insalubrious of them all. I like to call it 'Stay indoors and watch the last episode of Lost'.
    To the layman this may sound innocuous, tame even. But to those in the know, the connoisseurs of protracted dramatic productions, it is up there with a buck's night in Beirut. Lost, and everyone affiliated with the damn show, all the way down to the catering crew, should be stood in The Hague facing charges of crimes against humanity. Their crime? Producing six seasons of unadulterated SHIT, and in the process creating delirious confusion on a global scale. I'd hazard a guess that nuthouse referrals have tripled since that monstrosity was aired. And to make matters worse, we didn't even get to see Kate's tits.

    Televisual redemption can be sort this evening, though; The Eurovision Song Contest is on.

  2. #2
    POTUS HOCUS
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  3. #3
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    You can't beat staying in and watching TV to save money, perhaps splash out on Chinky delivery. The Eurovisions is obviously a wankfest so that's a bonus...

  4. #4
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    Don't bee a muppet on a bling,save all your wishes for tea,y hearty go bingbong,sport a beard put your best frock on and enjoy,This is a handjob to help you mind up,try the technique down the whitlessgift centre




    I used to have a job at a calendar factory.
    I got the sack because
    I took a couple of days off.

  5. #5
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    I went into the greyhound and asked for pint of Yadong Shandy a bj and 2 packs ets of cheese and onion condoms like Khvn slap has and the Ozzie barman said


  6. #6
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    ^^ there we go, that's hardcore pornography right there!

  7. #7
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    Went in O'Neils and asked for a pint of plain and the jukebox to stop riverprance and play Londonderry air and the bloke said you cannot even Express Dairy get back to crossroads you benny form heaven


  8. #8
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    From the Green Dragon I spotted a sporty ape of breeding age,yes Watson I could see by the dishevelled appearance and Chang T shirt this many had recently been in a circus or pantomime.

    Yes as Inspector Lestrad econfirmed later he'd been cruelly used by lascar pirates as a wicket and left pegged out in the scorching temple of some awful thugee cult of the bovine excrement and was a frndly little chap with a permanent erection,bad teeth a strong resemblance to the case of the worn out digits in Djakarta.

    He crawled into Black Sheep uttering some foreign babble sounded like How Brow Loan Cow or perhaps Lhao Cow brown crap,the whole onscured by the mirth of the onlookers who lifted him onto the barrel organ with the other monkeys



    but no sheep worries here


  9. #9
    The Pikey Hunter
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bettyboo
    The Eurovisions is obviously a wankfest so that's a bonus...
    If you say so....


  10. #10
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    Theres a "lady" sporting a beard on the Eurovision talent ( less ) show. I shall be watching with curiousity and a half lob on.

  11. #11
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by david44
    Don't bee a muppet on a bling,save all your wishes for tea,y hearty go bingbong,sport a beard put your best frock on and enjoy,This is a handjob to help you mind up,try the technique down the whitlessgift centr
    David. Did you write Lost?



    Quote Originally Posted by Bettyboo
    perhaps splash out on Chinky delivery.
    Funny you say that Betsy. Chinese is the only bog standard takeaway fare that I'm yet to eat. Just haven't had a hankering.

  12. #12
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    You can also watch Britain's got Talent, just before the Eurovision.

  13. #13
    Can I still change this?
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    You've forgot the 4th option.

    Go to the nearest wetherspoons, order as many Snakebike and Blacks as you can and then you should wake up in Calais on an overcast Sunday morning with only a Mars bar and Debbie's phone number from behind the bar in your pocket.

    This was a story my uncle Kev told me about my Dad one day as I was going through my pubity.

    Dad + Mars Bar + Debbie's Number + Calais + Fucked = Legend
    Black diamonds? I shit 'em.

  14. #14
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by patsycat
    You can also watch Britain's got Talent, just before the Eurovision.
    Me, you, Eurovision, and 10 litres of cottage cheese. What say you, young Pats?




    Quote Originally Posted by Bogon
    Dad + Mars Bar + Debbie's Number + Calais + Fucked = Legend
    Ahh, c'est bon ca. Maintenant j'apprend francais, so I will be prepared for these eventualities.

  15. #15
    Can I still change this?
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    ^ He never did tell me if he ever got it on with Debbie, but he said the Mars saved his life.

    Still don't know how he made it back to the white cliffs of Dover though. I have my suspicions of some kind of Withnail tomfoolary got him back to our shores.

    God speed father.

  16. #16
    splendid and tremendous
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    Post Sunday lunch stroll. Songs of praise. Hot Asian milf. Double anal penetration. Who needs the pub?

    And Ray Donovan. Two hours of Ray Donovan yielded more satisfaction than two months of Lost.

  17. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    Just haven't had a hankering.
    Wierdo...

    Do you enjoy the Eurovision wankfest?


  18. #18
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bettyboo
    Wierdo..
    I do hope those gao-lee students of yours aren't being taught colloquialisms, Boob.



    Quote Originally Posted by Bettyboo
    Do you enjoy the Eurovision wankfest?
    Are you drunk on that crappy gao-lee lager, Booby?

    No, I do not enjoy it. I watched Ray Donovan instead. It's fucking the bollocks, it is.

  19. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    It's fucking the bollocks
    I know "it's the bollocks", and "it's fuking bollocks", but what's "It's fucking the bollocks"? Is it good or bad???

    Is Ray Donovan sexier than Queen Conchita?

  20. #20
    Thailand Expat
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    Double anal penetration. Who needs the pub?
    You have not been back long enough to be called for a prostate exam. Who is the penetrator?

  21. #21
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bettyboo
    "It's fucking the bollocks"
    is

    Quote Originally Posted by Bettyboo
    "it's the bollocks"
    with an extra swear word to enhance the sentiment of the bollock, Betsy.



    Quote Originally Posted by Bettyboo
    Is Ray Donovan sexier
    Ray Donovan is almost as sexy as Jason Donovan, who, in his hay day, around the Rhythm of the Rain era, was pretty...damn...sexy.

  22. #22
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by chassamui
    Who is the penetrator?
    A choice selection from the Waitrose fresh fruit and veg aisle.

  23. #23
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    I likes Waitrose I do. It's the Tops innit.

  24. #24
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    It all becomes clear now, I'm off for a Neighbours wankfest.

    Firstly, some warm-up material:







    Then, when I start to get really horny, hit the main stage!



    For the final push:
    .
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    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .

    How do I post these pictures???

  25. #25
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    MARGE! Marge you wanton slut. Get yer baps out.

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