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  1. #1
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    The Queens Gate Redemption: Slap gets a visa

    I enjoy kowtowing to the behest of red-tape-wielding, backside breaching, treacherous Thai bureaucrats about as much as I enjoy smearing my penis with peanut butter and offering it to an angry assemblage of sexually deviant hedgehogs with acute hygiene issues. Which is to say, I don't really enjoy it very much at all. In fact it barely registers north of five on a scale of one to 10.

    So it was with a categorical quota of resentment, today, that I began an early morning sortie to Queens Gate in West London, home of the Royal Thai Embassy.

    The first obstacle I had to negotiate was fighting back the urge to smash the ticket machine at the train station into gloriously manageable little pieces before locating the Minister of Transport and fisting them up his fucking arsehole. I've had my fill of trains. More often than not I'll spend the commute home standing up amid a sea of sweaty passengers with my face in uncle Gupta's fucking armpit. This isn't at all conducive to completing the daily Sudoko puzzle in the paper. Not even the Teaser. So for an extortionate amount of cash one is forced to suffer both the overpowering whaft of uncle Gupta's body odour and the sniggers of broadsheet brandishing business folk intermittently checking on your Sudoko progress. CAN EVERYONE PLEASE JUST FUCK OFF!

    Now in the possession of a One Day Travel Card and a severely dented bank account, I made haste to London Victoria in order to utilise its Underground facility. I don't like the Tube. It's dank, putrid, claustrophobic, crowded, and has a propensity for alluring Islamic riffraff with small incendiary devices secreted about their person. I'm not scared of the Tube. I'm not scared of flying. What I am scared of is ill-informed lunatics in ownership of bollocks fit to burst with semen bound for the restless rectums of 72 virgins. Note to any prospective suicide bombers: HAVE.A.WANK.

    Approaching my destination now on foot, a bedraggled gentleman of vagrant proportions smoking a cigarette and scratching his crotch signalled the entrance. Located in the business district where, for the most part, the public sport pressed attire, polished shoes and fastidiously knotted ties, it isn't exactly a laborious task to locate the Thai embassy.

    Having completed an application form requesting a tourist visa, I hustled through the crowds of impending Pattaya excursionists with their pendulous private parts, and made my way to counter number three.

    "Touriss Visa. You just get 60 days in the country with this, OK," asserted the comely wench behind the desk.

    "I think I'll be the judge of that, young lady"

    I forewent the underground on the way home and took a windy walk along the Thames, reflecting the day's events. I'd soon be swapping the autumnal aromas and landscapes of old Blighty for the balmy tropics.

    Life comprises a series of decisions. Virtually every movement of our waking existence defines us. Each thought, each action, each and every utterance a potential pivotal point.

    My train of thought was currently running more efficiently than south west train service:

    The 12.03 to Clapham will be calling at: The nearest pub, 3 pints of John Smiths and a packet of Pickled Onion Monster Munch, please landlord...

    Last edited by somtamslap; 03-10-2013 at 01:45 AM.

  2. #2
    Thailand Expat
    sabang's Avatar
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    Everything you see there is available in Thailand, it's only slightly worse.

  3. #3
    The Pikey Hunter
    Gerbil's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    Note to any prospective suicide bombers: HAVE.A.WANK.

  4. #4
    Thailand Expat klong toey's Avatar
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    Have you stocked up on tranquilisers for the flight.?or are you just going for alcohol paralysis for this flight.
    Never know we might see you collapsed in a drunken stupor at T3.Just fart in our direction will help you to the aircraft.

  5. #5
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by klong toey
    Have you stocked up on tranquilisers for the flight.?
    That's next on the agenda. Gonna have to go to the docs I think. An acquaintance of mine has a large stash of Valium but the Xanax is tried and tested and fucking fantastic.


    Quote Originally Posted by klong toey
    Just fart in our direction will help you to the aircraft.
    When you offski, Mr.T?

  6. #6
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gerbil View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    Note to any prospective suicide bombers: HAVE.A.WANK.
    It's definitely encouraged in Morrisions.

  7. #7
    Member cdnski12's Avatar
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    DOH! I crossed Friendship Bridge @ Nong Khai in pursuit of another 2 month Thai Tourist Visa. Forgot my existing Visa was for 60 DAYS ... not 2 Months. 31 days in October put me 1 day over for an Exit Stamp. Cost me 1000 ThB for the over stay. Lesson learned.

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    "Touriss Visa. You just get 60 days in the country with this, OK," asserted the comely wench behind the desk.

    "I think I'll be the judge of that, young lady"
    Nice one !

  9. #9
    Pedantic bastard
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    Primo grade slap. Good stuff....

  10. #10
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    another great STS post, so did ya get the visa ?

  11. #11
    Gohills flip-flops wearer
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    and took a windy walk along the Thames
    That's the problem with pickled onion MM coupled with gassy John Smiths.

  12. #12
    Thailand Expat
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    I fuckin hate that. Queens gate embassy.

  13. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    Valium but the Xanax
    Diazis do the job, but xanax is nicer; uk doctors prefer to give out diazis; one even told me last year that they don't give xanax any more... Also had to argue hard for 50mg of diazis (how could one get through a flight on less???).

    Whilst it's always a pleasure to read Scribe Slaps work, I feel that you should not listen to the masses and follow the cliched route; Pronthip's diary was superior and full of character, imho - when is she coming back to us; is she on the same flight as you?
    How do I post these pictures???

  14. #14
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by Makmak456
    so did ya get the visa ?
    Not yet. Gotta go back today, or tomorrow or whenever to get it.
    Quote Originally Posted by Smug Farang Bore
    I fuckin hate that. Queens gate embassy.
    Yes, it's a box.


    Quote Originally Posted by Bettyboo
    one even told me last year that they don't give xanax any more...
    In the U.K? I may have to buy online.


    Quote Originally Posted by Bettyboo
    Diazis do the job
    Do they knock you out for the duration?

  15. #15
    Thailand Expat klong toey's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by klong toey
    Have you stocked up on tranquilisers for the flight.?
    That's next on the agenda. Gonna have to go to the docs I think. An acquaintance of mine has a large stash of Valium but the Xanax is tried and tested and fucking fantastic.


    Quote Originally Posted by klong toey
    Just fart in our direction will help you to the aircraft.
    When you offski, Mr.T?
    Offski on the 22nd midday TG flight,what about yourself Mr Slap not going BA again?

  16. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    Do they knock you out for the duration?
    Yes, as long as you take enough and mix with alcohol. 10mg of diazi = 1mg zanax, so 5mg (diazi...) the night before, 5mg when you wake up, 20 mg when you go through to departures, 4 pints in departures, then 10 mg at take off, 3 or 4 beers/shorts on the plane, should see you to Mongland... (or, half of that for normal folk who haven't lived life to the full...)

  17. #17
    loob lor geezer
    Bangyai's Avatar
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    Tourist visa Slaps ??? A man of your stature and standing within the Isaan community . Is that enough or are you already planning another record breaking cock a snoot overstay ?

  18. #18
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bettyboo
    Yes, as long as you take enough and mix with alcohol.
    Naturally. Nothing works without alcohol.



    Quote Originally Posted by Bettyboo
    20 mg when you go through to departures, 4 pints in departures
    I'm thinking more along the lines of 10 mg and 8 pints at departures?



    Quote Originally Posted by Bangyai
    Tourist visa Slaps ??? A man of your stature and standing within the Isaan community . Is that enough
    If my plan to make loads of cash comes into fruition then I'll pop up to Laos for a non b. If it doesn't I'll be obliged to up-root my family for a decade in old Blighty.

  19. #19
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by klong toey
    Offski on the 22nd midday TG flight,what about yourself Mr Slap not going BA again?
    Using Thai Airways for the first time, about a week or so before you fly...

  20. #20
    Thailand Expat klong toey's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by klong toey
    Offski on the 22nd midday TG flight,what about yourself Mr Slap not going BA again?
    Using Thai Airways for the first time, about a week or so before you fly...
    You will be okay they give good service with the alcohol in fact i would say it flows a bit to freely sometimes.
    Downside food is crap take some monster munch on board with you.

  21. #21
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    Quote Originally Posted by klong toey
    good service with the alcohol in fact i would say it flows a bit to freely sometimes.
    Alcohol can never run too freely. That's an oxymoron (or whatever its called )

  22. #22
    Thailand Expat klong toey's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Albert Shagnastier View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by klong toey
    good service with the alcohol in fact i would say it flows a bit to freely sometimes.
    Alcohol can never run too freely. That's an oxymoron (or whatever its called )
    Last flight LHR/BKK a young German 20/25 in front of us had a few to many,a senior steward chewed him out nearly came to blows.After 10 minutes the passenger apologised to a few of the cabin crew for being a prat.
    Who knows he might have been the same sober,i think he was thinking i am really pissed acting a prat might get refused entry into Thailand if i keep acting like this.
    I thought haven't even got to Thailand yet and already meet our first drunk arrogant tourist.

  23. #23
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by klong toey
    You will be okay they give good service with the alcohol in fact i would say it flows a bit to freely sometimes.
    I intend on being very fucking inconscious indeed by the time the drinks are being dispensed. I might even have to forego my usual pre-take off bloody mary - which is nothing short of a sin.

  24. #24
    loob lor geezer
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap View Post

    Quote Originally Posted by Bangyai
    Tourist visa Slaps ??? A man of your stature and standing within the Isaan community . Is that enough
    If my plan to make loads of cash comes into fruition then I'll pop up to Laos for a non b. If it doesn't I'll be obliged to up-root my family for a decade in old Blighty.
    I'm not a religious bloke ST but I will pray for thee.

    It's tough trying to live here with our families trying to make a buck and I wish thee well. At the moment I'm struggling to flog crap on the internet but have yet to get into the 'muen' bracket but I'm sticking with it as at least it's all in my own hands, I have no boss, I'm under the radar and I enjoy it. I reckon if I persevere it'll come good. If not ...............at least I fooking tried.

    I know one thing. When I quit tefling.....it was for good. Sooner take a coon up the harris than go there again. Withnalstoke .....no offence intended.

  25. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    I intend on being very fucking inconscious indeed by the time the drinks are being dispensed. I might even have to forego my usual pre-take off bloody mary - which is nothing short of a sin.
    Calm down - breathe - drink the fvcking bar dry

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