Bullseye, black pudding, and the dulcet tones of Phil Ligget

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16-09-2013, 01:18 AM
somtamslap

Bullseye, black pudding, and the dulcet tones of Phil Ligget

I got a kebab delivered to my front door last weekend. In fact, because you have to spend 10 pounds or more in order for the food to be dispatched, I got a whole fucking bunch of kebabs delivered to my front door last weekend.

I ate them whilst watching Bullseye on U.K Challenge TV. Approximately 2000 channels populate my current television package and the only bone that Sky are able to throw me of a Saturday night is Jim Bowen going fucking ballistic about Bully's Special Prize. I wasn't even born when this shit was first aired, but watching Frank, a mullet-sporting, beer-gut boasting amateur dart player from Leeds throw his arrows with consistent imprecision, while wife Mandy, a brainless specimen exhibiting a particularly substantial pair of spectacles and an impossibly tight perm fucks up the answer to 'How many wives did Henry VIII have?', is a considerably more preferable option than the alternative.

X-Factor. Strictly Come Dancing. The Voice. Britain's Got Talent.

These programs are a great, big, steaming pile of televisual shit. The opening rounds are invariably exploitation of spastics who should know better, and the latter a pampering of lachrymose pondlife.
Louis Walsh snuffles about the set like a rodent on crack. Sharon Osborne elicits actual gagging. Simon Cowell should do Saturday night television a big fucking favour by taking a sabbatical to a distant galaxy and shooting himself in the face en route. And Gary Barlow. Gary Barlow? How, amidst a long-line of acclaimed British musicians, has this hip-gyrating ponce been bestowed with the responsibility of selecting the U.Ks next 'talent'?

Round up these people. In a disused multi-storey car park. And drop a bomb on it. Slowly.

On the other hand, I do declare that the trauma of Saturday night entertainment has now past, and Sunday evening shall be spent eating a fastidiously crafted breakfast baguette and enjoying the final stage of this year's Vuelta a Espana...

A base of black pudding

https://teakdoor.com/images/imported/2013/09/2555.jpg

A mottling of mushrooms

https://teakdoor.com/images/imported/2013/09/2556.jpg

A smattering of sausage

https://teakdoor.com/images/imported/2013/09/2557.jpg

A few chunks of cheese

https://teakdoor.com/images/imported/2013/09/2558.jpg

And a whole lot of Liggo...

https://teakdoor.com/images/imported/2013/09/2559.jpg

Av eeeeeeeeeeet...
16-09-2013, 01:24 AM
nigelandjan

^ Bit tight on the cheese there mate ?
16-09-2013, 01:38 AM
somtamslap

Quote:

Originally Posted by nigelandjan

^ Bit tight on the cheese there mate ?

One has to observe the sabbath and keep it holy, Nigel.

Saturday night's are nigh-on blasphemous...

https://teakdoor.com/images/imported/2013/09/2560.jpg

:)
16-09-2013, 09:24 AM
charleyboy

Blackpudding. I bought six packs from Huahin Ham and Bacon...Fookin' delish!

Get plenty down ya Slap. You'll soon be on the Plaa Raa:)
16-09-2013, 11:11 AM
Smug Farang Bore

You should be about jungle bound slap?

....back to the real world where ya ll belong.
16-09-2013, 11:34 AM
david44

Worrying to learn the bard of Siam reduced to kebabs and game shows,I trust you watched in singlet and Y fronts.

Time to return to the spice sir,the ladies mosquitoes and hangovers await
16-09-2013, 11:39 AM
Dillinger

Innnnnn one--Heart attack food...............

and pretty bland too if you take away(:)) the mint sauce for the kebab, ketchup for the chips and hp for the sausage.
16-09-2013, 03:41 PM
withnallstoke

Dear Slapper,

let's have a closer look at this sandwich of yours shall we.

1) Black pudding.
Horrible fried lumps of shredded pigs bollock sack and sphincter, held together with congealed semen.

2) Mushrooms.
By mushrooms, i presume this was a typo, and you actually meant to type mushroom, in the singular.

3) Sausage.
The leftovers that they couldn't, by law, put in the black pudding.

4) Cheese.
I presume you had run out of real cheese and resorted to emptying the traps you have spread around your gaff in order to procure rodents for your sexual gratification.

It's not even a fagwich.
16-09-2013, 05:56 PM
somtamslap

Quote:

Originally Posted by charleyboy

Get plenty down ya Slap. You'll soon be on the Plaa Raa

Indeed. Getting the good stuff down me while I can..

Quote:

Originally Posted by Smug Farang Bore

You should be about jungle bound slap?

Four weeks encounting. Toodle-pip, whetherspoons.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dillinger

Innnnnn one--Heart attack food...............

BHritain is custom designed to make people fat. People with no self-control (ie me) anyway.

Quote:

Originally Posted by david44

I trust you watched in singlet and Y fronts.

Yes, while cocking the occasional deft buttock...

Quote:

Originally Posted by withnallstoke

1) Black pudding. Horrible fried lumps of shredded pigs bollock sack and sphincter, held together with congealed semen.

Jealousy doesn't become you, withnall.
16-09-2013, 06:06 PM
The Fresh Prince

Black pudding sandwich! Bloody genius!:)

But faggy square plates?!?!?!
16-09-2013, 07:49 PM
somtamslap

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Fresh Prince

But faggy square plates?!?!?!

How is it that the TD masses have suddenly concluded that the utilisation of square crockery equates to homosexuality?

Square plates = ridiculously masculine
22-09-2013, 02:46 PM
kingwilly

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Fresh Prince

Black pudding sandwich! Bloody genius!:)

Agreed!!!
22-09-2013, 04:41 PM
Iceman123

^
Careful willy too much detail
22-09-2013, 05:37 PM
blue

https://teakdoor.com/images/imported/2013/09/2555.jpg
It's totally silly looking into the psychological connotations of owning a square plate.
While there's a much more telling indicator present,
Yes it's that toaster that's caught my attention .
It's either set at 3 -
in which case Slap is eating daintily, light browned gay toast, and he's outed himself as a raging poof
or
it's set to 6.9 on the Richter scale -
and slaps burning it to a negro black cinder and he's turbo replenishing his carbon ,
and proving yet again what a real man he is .

The ultimate hangover breakfast - a few slices of utterly burnt unscraped toast.
If it don't set off the smoke detector 3 floors up you are not trying .
22-09-2013, 06:01 PM
withnallstoke

Quote:

Originally Posted by blue

It's either set at 3 - in which case Slap is eating daintily, light browned gay toast, and he's outed himself as a raging poof

Think you've nailed it there, blue.
22-09-2013, 06:56 PM
kingwilly

Quote:

Originally Posted by withnallstoke

Quote:

Originally Posted by blue

it's set to 6.9 on the Richter scale -
and slaps burning it to a negro black cinder and he's turbo replenishing his carbon ,
and proving yet again what a real man he is .

Think you've nailed it there, blue.

FTFY.
22-09-2013, 07:08 PM
withnallstoke

Bloody hell Willy.
Is you nailing slappers batty?
23-09-2013, 02:25 AM
somtamslap

Quote:

Originally Posted by blue

in which case Slap is eating daintily, light browned gay toast, and he's outed himself as a raging poof

Yes. Very well sleuthed. I even butter my toast while holding out my little finger and singing Erasure songs. Oh the shame! Oh the same of it all!
23-09-2013, 10:35 AM
HermantheGerman

You are what you eat.
23-09-2013, 10:36 AM
withnallstoke

Quote:

Originally Posted by HermantheGerman

You are what you eat.

Are you saying that Slapper is a penis?