I was sitting next to an oriental lady on the train yesterday. From her delicate facade and mannerisms I could tell she was of south-east Asian descent but I was unable to pinpoint which country she hailed from. It was only after she'd alighted and I noticed she'd left behind a diary with the Hello Kitty logo emblazoned across it that I was able to deduce that she was probably a native of north-east Thailand. And after a furtive flick through the pages of her journal I was proven right.
Here are a few excerpts of my findings (allow some margin for error re the translation)
March 11, 2013
Mama,
I just come England. I eat some sandwich on airplane. I want eat rice but they tell me 'no have' so I eat some bread but it not delicious and I very, very angry. I think about stabbing air hostess in the face with plastic fork but then I go sleep for eleven hour and wake up in Heathrow airport. When I wake up I so cold and hungry, Mama. I ask lady on airplane if she have rice yet but she say 'no, now you get off plane'. I very angry again, Mama. I so angry that I make pee-pee in my underpants. I get off plane and find toilet. I see toilet and I start to cry. Toilet like big chair. Like big monster, Mama. I so scared!
I go through immigration and man he tell me 'Why you come England?', and I tell him 'for make money' and he tell me 'but your visa say you cannot work' and I tell him 'do I need special visa for suck farang husband cock?' and he laugh and say 'just as long as you don't suck anyone else's cock' and I don't say anything. I see farang husband wait for me at arrivals and I run to him and try sucking his cock, but he look shy and say 'not yet'. I don't understand farang husband, Mama.
March 14, 2013
Mama,
Today I go shopping. Farang husband give me money and say 'go Sainsburys and buy food'. I say 'What is Sainsburys?' He say 'big food shop like Tesco Lotus. I get on bus. Bus very beautiful. Man who drive bus tell me 'Where you go?' and I tell him 'I go with you' and he say 'What?' and I say 'Sorry, force of habit' and then I tell him 'I go buy rice' and he tell me 'Where?' and I tell him 'Tesco Lotus' and he say 'What?' and I say 'the market, I want go market' he say 'Ok, that's £5, please' and I give him the English money with ladyboy on it and sit down. On bus have red button that make funny 'ding' sound. I press many times. It make me so happy, Mama. It make noise like 'ding-ding-ding-ding' and I so happy and everybody on bus is looking at me and I think I like England now. But then man who drive bus he say' get the fuck off my bus you little gook cnut!' He look so angry so I press button lots of times very quickly to try make him happy. But then, then he stop bus and throw me off. I don't understand farang, Mama.