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  1. #1
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Letters to Sakhon Nakhon

    I was sitting next to an oriental lady on the train yesterday. From her delicate facade and mannerisms I could tell she was of south-east Asian descent but I was unable to pinpoint which country she hailed from. It was only after she'd alighted and I noticed she'd left behind a diary with the Hello Kitty logo emblazoned across it that I was able to deduce that she was probably a native of north-east Thailand. And after a furtive flick through the pages of her journal I was proven right.

    Here are a few excerpts of my findings (allow some margin for error re the translation)

    March 11, 2013

    Mama,

    I just come England. I eat some sandwich on airplane. I want eat rice but they tell me 'no have' so I eat some bread but it not delicious and I very, very angry. I think about stabbing air hostess in the face with plastic fork but then I go sleep for eleven hour and wake up in Heathrow airport. When I wake up I so cold and hungry, Mama. I ask lady on airplane if she have rice yet but she say 'no, now you get off plane'. I very angry again, Mama. I so angry that I make pee-pee in my underpants. I get off plane and find toilet. I see toilet and I start to cry. Toilet like big chair. Like big monster, Mama. I so scared!

    I go through immigration and man he tell me 'Why you come England?', and I tell him 'for make money' and he tell me 'but your visa say you cannot work' and I tell him 'do I need special visa for suck farang husband cock?' and he laugh and say 'just as long as you don't suck anyone else's cock' and I don't say anything. I see farang husband wait for me at arrivals and I run to him and try sucking his cock, but he look shy and say 'not yet'. I don't understand farang husband, Mama.


    March 14, 2013

    Mama,

    Today I go shopping. Farang husband give me money and say 'go Sainsburys and buy food'. I say 'What is Sainsburys?' He say 'big food shop like Tesco Lotus. I get on bus. Bus very beautiful. Man who drive bus tell me 'Where you go?' and I tell him 'I go with you' and he say 'What?' and I say 'Sorry, force of habit' and then I tell him 'I go buy rice' and he tell me 'Where?' and I tell him 'Tesco Lotus' and he say 'What?' and I say 'the market, I want go market' he say 'Ok, that's 5, please' and I give him the English money with ladyboy on it and sit down. On bus have red button that make funny 'ding' sound. I press many times. It make me so happy, Mama. It make noise like 'ding-ding-ding-ding' and I so happy and everybody on bus is looking at me and I think I like England now. But then man who drive bus he say' get the fuck off my bus you little gook cnut!' He look so angry so I press button lots of times very quickly to try make him happy. But then, then he stop bus and throw me off. I don't understand farang, Mama.

  2. #2
    Thailand Expat klong toey's Avatar
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    Wonder what she is going to make of self service checkouts.
    When i go pay up to me i think save money better for me rice expensive to much i not give money.

  3. #3
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    somtamslap's Avatar
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    March 16, 2013

    Mama,

    Today farang husband ( I think him name Mr. Bob) go to work. I very happy about this. I think bottom is for make poo-poo, but he like use for insert obscene root vegetable. I can hardly walk, Mama! Mr. Bob he crazy.

    I eat rice and watch television. Have program called Emmerdale Farm and Coronation Street and Eastender and Hollyoak. They good but no have ghost or blood or violence. When I watch pre-watershed television, Mama, I want it to promote a sensation of acute psychosis. I never understand farang soap opera, Mama.

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by klong toey
    Wonder what she is going to make of self service checkouts.
    To be honest, they scared the shite out of me when I first returned. Wouldn't have shopping any other way now. I like the way you don't have to instigate small talk about the fucking weather with them.

  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    When I watch pre-watershed television, Mama, I want it to promote a sensation of acute psychosis.
    Gold!

  6. #6
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    March 21, 2013

    Mama,

    Today I felt very homesick so Mr.Bob take me to Long Stanton Spice Museum. I see many different type of chilli and it make me very happy. Mr.Bob cannot eat spicy and he not let me take chilli inside house because just the smell of it makes his "ringpiece twitch". But I buy chilli keyring souvenir from gift shop and now I carry it everywhere to remind me of home.

  7. #7
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    Slap, you snoopy cnut.

    You should be ashamed.

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rural Surin
    Slap, you snoopy cnut.
    Just doing my duty...

  9. #9
    Thailand Expat ossierob's Avatar
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    Slapper I am not sure that is a true story

  10. #10
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    know all about the twitchy ringpiece, has this beautiful young creature been to the doctors yet or tried to qualify for benefits ?

  11. #11
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    The young hussie is torn between punting her snatch out on Clapham Common and shift work at the Co-op. I eagerly read on...

  12. #12
    POTUS HOCUS
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    Did you make it up the junction ?

  13. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by david44
    Did you make it up the junction ?
    When lyrics were good and no fucker twerked..


  14. #14
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    Tell her may be a position going at Bunny Club in Cock Fosters

    Last edited by david44; 17-09-2013 at 08:01 PM.

  • #15
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    Slap, I am great fan of your works, but trust me - this is a dud.

    Stick to slap - pure slap, unadalterated slap.

    Give me slap does sainsburys. Slap has a bus ride, slap washes his hands - anything.

    But give this one a miss mate.

  • #16
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    ^ Finding the mindset of an impoverished oriental chick was a taxing task, I confess...

  • #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap View Post
    ^ Finding the mindset of an impoverished oriental chick was a taxing task, I confess...
    Get your testicles removed and it will be fine.

  • #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap View Post
    ^ Finding the mindset of an impoverished oriental chick was a taxing task, I confess...
    damn, long post just lost.

    recap.

    Every songteow has a button to stop the driver. No Thai lass would be confused by the red button on a bus.

    Unless she is 12, pretty much any Thai girl would have a fair incling the bottom is not only for poo-poo (especially one likely to end up in UK!).

    Like I say, I am a big fan - but you are off your game on this one.....

  • #19
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    I find it funny have a green.

  • #20
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    I like it too; but I no fink too much.

    Quote Originally Posted by klong toey
    Wonder what she is going to make of self service checkouts.
    What?

  • #21
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    That Squuze vid didn't play, so I was searching and this popped out - worth a view (put cotton wool in your ears first).

    Reminds me of classic Sabrina.


  • #22
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    Quote Originally Posted by nidhogg
    Like I say, I am a big fan - but you are off your game on this one..... __________________
    You're right nid he's definitely lost touch with Isaan reality. Next thing you know, he'll be posting nonesense and calling it humour, just like Jeff.
    There is a certain irony to an Englishman cast adrift in England and the need to compensate for the lack of material available.
    Still think he's funny as fuck.
    Heart of Gold and a Knob of butter.

  • #23
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    Man who drive bus tell me 'Where you go?' and I tell him 'I go with you' and he say 'What?' and I say 'Sorry, force of habit'
    Nonsense you doubters! Above is the kinda mixed genre effort that's moving Scribe Slaps in a new direction. No more following the masses, Scribe Slaps is forging an original path...

  • #24
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bettyboo View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    Man who drive bus tell me 'Where you go?' and I tell him 'I go with you' and he say 'What?' and I say 'Sorry, force of habit'
    Nonsense you doubters! Above is the kinda mixed genre effort
    that's moving Scribe Slaps in a new direction. No more following the masses, Scribe Slaps is forging an original path...
    made me laugh

  • #25
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    Young Waraporn is a linguist of superior proportions.

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