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  1. #1
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Slap reviews.....five of the best crisp flavours

    England. Yes, it's ensconced under a perpetual blanket of dispassionate drizzle. Yes, for the cost of spending a cozy afternoon in the local pub one has to forego eating for the rest of the fucking month. Yes, there are an abundance of duplicitous single mothers, waddling in and out of their free accommodation, dutifully going about spending the taxpayers' hard earned like a bunch of CUNTS. Yes, the immigration laws in this country would make the average Thai bureaucrat simultaneously piss, shit and ejaculate all over the place. And yes, the availability of cheap, writhing, brown, moist flesh is decidedly lacking.

    However, Old Blighty does have one expedient string to its bow.

    Crisps.

    A delectable collection of the choicest snack treats on the planet.

    And here, in a vain attempt to elicit even just the faintest trace of jealousy from my south-east Asian based brethren, I shall review five of the best crisp options available on today's market.

    1. Walkers Quavers

    Although probably the lightest crisp on test today, the Quaver is aflood with fromage. Playfully shaped with a melt-in-the-mouth texture, Walkers have manufactured a first-rate snack, the taste of which lingers inconspicuously on the palate. A worthy accompaniment to a swift half of weak lager. 7/10



    2. Salt and Vinegar Hula Hoops

    Every crisp list should have at least one salt and vinegar option, and for me Hula Hoops top the chart, unequivocally. Bursting with ball-sack squeezing seasoning, this is a snack treat you could hardly call subtle. It slaps you in the face, insults your family and threatens to burn your fucking house down, before leaving you a contented wreck on the floor. In terms of crunch, flavour and the fact you can wear them like rings, (would you do me the honour, etc etc), Salt and Vinegar Hula Hoops are definitely a test winning contender. Eat at will or with an ice cold pint of Stella Artois. 9.5/10



    3. Bacon Fries

    These crisps scream 'rapidly impending myocardial infarction' but therein lies the attraction. Bacon by name, bacon by nature. Take the best streaky slice experience you've ever had and times it by ten. Ahhh, that's good. That's really fucking goooood! That's better than any pig in the world. A test winning snack which is ideally consumed with a yard of Marton's Pedigree. 10/10



    4. Pickled Onion Monster Munch

    If Pickled Onion Monster Munch could speak they'd probably do so in a foreign dialect, but what they said would roughly be translated into something like:

    "Drop you trousers, bend over and part your ring-piece. Brute buggery awaits"

    I'd never been sodomised until the fateful day these crisps were introduced to the market. And now I'm a fully-fledged homosexual.

    Not only do they bubble with a spritely, flavoursome zest, but their robust design ensures full satisfaction come the cessation of the pack. Eat with 10 pints of Pimms in the company of a chap called Sebastian. 9/10



    5. McCoys Flame Grilled Steak

    These crisps can't be reasoned with. They can't be bargained with. They don't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And they absolutely will not stop until you're full. McCoys Flame Grilled Steak are a meal. They should be treated with respect and only eaten if you feel especially masculine. The thick cuts of starch look like they've recently been carved with a fucking chainsaw. Eat with 10 pints of Carling before walking out into the street and beating up random people with a cricket bat. 8/10



    And so concludes the review.

    Anyone jealous yet?

  2. #2
    Thailand Expat klong toey's Avatar
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    Monster Munch Pickled Onion 10/10.
    But close second for me are.

    New Roast Lamb and Mint Yorkshire Crisps

  3. #3
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    Slap, you do need to get back home.

    That part of the world is beginning to slight your thought process.

  4. #4
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    ^^ I'll keep a look out for them. I unforgivably forgot about roast lamb and mint sauce flavours. They were available in another brand ten or years ago. Forgot the name. Any takers?


    Quote Originally Posted by Rural Surin
    Slap, you do need to get back home.
    Researching the ticket today. Thai Airways direct for 500 or so pounds isn't so bad.

  5. #5
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    My folks owned a shop and sold a brand of crisps called brannigans. Mighty flavoured and nice and thick tono. The home cooked ham and mustard ones made you think you'd been punched square on the nose. I loved them.

  6. #6
    The Pikey Hunter
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    In these health-conscious times, potato crisps have a bad reputation. Gone are the days when you could walk down the street cheerfully snuffling through a pack of Smokey Bacon. Try that now and people will stare at you like you're shooting heroin directly into a genital vein.

    The standard tuckshop brands of crisps are shameful things, to be eaten in secret on a car journey. Of course, the fey "gourmet" varieties - thicker, hand-cooked "artisan" crisps with flavours such as Aged Stilton and Ambassador's Port - are still considered acceptable by the food Nazis, provided they're served in a bowl at a cocktail party, surrounded by organic vol-au-vents and snobs. That's because our food neurosis is actually snootiness in disguise.

    Consequently, the cheap end of the crisp market has to pull stunts to distract you from the crushing social disgrace involved in actually purchasing a bag. Walkers' latest wheeze is a fun competition. Stage one: they ran adverts inviting the public to suggest exotic new taste sensations. Stage two: they chose six finalists, released them into the wild, and asked the public to vote for their favourite. Stage three: the votes are counted and the top flavour becomes a permanent member of the Walkers line-up. We're currently in stage two.

    To lend the enterprise some gravitas, on the Walkers website you can watch kitchen surrealist Heston Blumenthal discussing the new flavours as though he genuinely believes they're edible. But are they? As the nation's foremost investigative journalist, I decided to find out, by buying a packet of each and sampling them. It was a mission that would take me to the very heart of a newsagent's and back. Here are my capsule reviews of the six competing varieties:

    Builder's Breakfast

    There's some confusion over the exact contents of the Builder's Breakfast. On the website, Heston claims they taste of "sausages, bacon, eggs and beans", whereas the packet itself lists "bacon, buttered toast, eggs and tomato sauce". This would imply that even Walkers don't know what they've got on their hands, possibly because the crisps themselves taste of stale fried egg and little else. It captures the feeling of sitting in a greasy spoon, being dumped via text while your food repeats on you. Depressing.

    Crispy Duck and Hoisin

    A fairly accurate rendition, although if you close your eyes they taste like the standard Roast Chicken flavour might if the "chicken" in them had been killed with a hammer made of compacted sugar. This is probably something Heston actually does in his restaurant.

    Fish and Chips

    Sounds like a good idea, but think about it: FISH CRISPS. Consequently they smell vaguely infected. Actually eat one and it's like kissing someone who's just eaten a plateful of scampi. Halfway through they belch in your mouth.

    Onion Bhaji

    The most convincing flavour, but they taste watered-down; as though Heston boiled one tiny bhaji in a swimming pool full of Evian, and then dipped some potatoes in it. It's like a lame TV movie about onion bhajis, starring Adam Woodyatt, with a soundtrack consisting entirely of library music, broadcast directly on to your tastebuds.

    Cajun Squirrel

    Self-consciously "wacky" and attention-grabbing entry. Walkers are keen to point out that "no squirrels were harmed in the making of this crisp", which is a pity because I had chucklesome visions of thousands of live, screaming squirrels being bulldozered into an immense bubbling cauldron in front of a party of horrified schoolchildren. The flavour itself is truly vile: if they'd called it Squirrel's Blood, everyone would've believed them. They taste precisely like a tiny cat piping hot farts through a pot-pourri pouch into your mouth.

    Chilli and Chocolate

    Excreted Battery Acid, more like. A boring lunatic with halitosis explains the smell of charred wood to your tastebuds. It's vaguely like the smell you get when you bleed a radiator, but sharper, more disgusting, and worryingly "human". They should've called it "Dirty Protest" instead.

    So there you have it. They're uniformly horrible. Worst of all, none are a patch on, say, standard Salt and Vinegar, which has been around since the Cro-Magnon era. Obviously, they should've chosen more ambitiously. Since the squirrel flavour doesn't actually contain any squirrel, they could unleash other tastes you're vaguely curious about, but would never actually eat, like Cyanide and Lemon, or The Late Marilyn Monroe. If they'd bitten the bullet and genuinely released a flavour called Dirty Protest, people would queue round the block to try it, provided the packet carried a prominent guarantee that it was merely a simulation, not the genuine article. (For the record, according to The Encyclopedia of Unusual Sex Practices by Brenda Love [ISBN 0 349 10676 2], "faeces supposedly has a charred or sour flavour but otherwise tastes similar to whatever was consumed". So now you know.)

    Or maybe they could've worked on flavours that evoked a time and mood instead of mimicking an existing substance. Who could resist Wartime Romance (cigarettes, lipstick, and railway station)? Or Studio 54 (cocaine, sweat, and Bianca Jagger)? Even Medieval Times (mud, gibbet and wet tunic) would be worth trying.

    But no. They didn't dare to dream. So in summary: don't vote for any of them. Spoil your ballot paper instead. Because that's what they've done to these innocent potatoes. The bastards. The absolute unconscionable bastards.

    • This week Charlie finished the seventh series of The Shield: "A brilliant final reckoning." He also spent about 97 hours desperately washing the taste of crisps out of his mouth: "The combined effect of all those flavours is like eating 15 bad orchestras made of tinfoil and grease."
    You, sir, are a God among men....
    Short Men, who aren't terribly bright....
    More like dwarves with learning disabilities....
    You are a God among Dwarves With Learning Disabilities.

  7. #7
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    ^ That was great.. Where's it from?

    Quote Originally Posted by yortyiam
    brannigans
    They be them. The lamb and mint sauce was tres delicious!

  8. #8
    The Pikey Hunter
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    ^ Guardian (Charlie Brooker)

  9. #9
    Molecular Mixup
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    no Cheese and Onion in the top 5 ?
    bloody southerners...

  10. #10
    Thailand Expat
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  11. #11
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by blue
    no Cheese and Onion in the top 5 ?
    Personal preference. Love cheese. Love onion. Detest cheese and onion crisps.

  12. #12
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    They're not crisps though (well, maybe the Mccoys, dunno)- they're reconstituted potato & cornstarch snacks. I like salt n vinegar- but I do insist on an actual crisp, namely thinly sliced deep fried spud.

    And whats with the packaging- like those godawful things they sell kids in Thai 711's.
    Last edited by sabang; 25-08-2013 at 01:17 AM.
    probes Aliens

  13. #13
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sabang
    They're not crisps though
    For the sake of not being limited to reviewing five different Walkers flavours, yes they are.

    An even bigger issue at present is tonight's dinner. And this being a Saturday, it's bound to be exceptionally unhealthy/tasty.

  14. #14
    Fuck it
    Satonic's Avatar
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    Nigga please...



    (And yes, I'm jealous)

  15. #15
    Molecular Mixup
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    Quote Originally Posted by wasabi View Post
    low fat crisps ??????????
    hang your head in shame

  16. #16
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    ^^ 91 calories?

    They might make the top five gayest crisp list...

  17. #17
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by blue
    low fat crisps ??????????
    hang your head in shame
    Indeed. We're trying to get fat with this thread.

  18. #18
    ความสุขในอีสาน
    nigelandjan's Avatar
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    These are my favourites ate 2 bags this week


  19. #19
    Molecular Mixup
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    Right , I better add my own bags if I want to continue taking the piss ....
    Introducing some Yorkshire prizewinners:


    since 1945 , what other can boast such a lineage !



    Prawn cocktail !
    No other flavour can boast such a sharp penetrating disturbingly astringent taste ;
    enough to make even the most numbed, hung over mouth pucker.

    Seabrook even think of their fat bastard greedy customers and save them blushes at the till , by making multi packs instead of one giant 300 gram bag.

  20. #20
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by blue
    Prawn cocktail !
    In my youth, yes. But my taste buds appear to have matured (see; pickled onion monster munch) and I'm yet to have had a hankering on this trip so far...

    Scampi Fries, on the other hand...! Fishlicious!

  21. #21
    Newbie general mark's Avatar
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    made in china crisps

    i want made in china crisps.

    they should be a fraction of the price, clearly marked 'made in china', give me a toxic shock & the plastic bag they come in should be split & spilling chemical covered cardboard peices, oooops, i mean crisps, over my other groceries, all made in china, of course.

  22. #22
    Thailand Expat
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    Atomic Tomato
    Salt and Vinegar
    Cheese and Onion
    BBQ

    You cannot go passed the classics!

  23. #23
    Pedantic bastard
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap View Post
    Anyone jealous yet?










    Massively Slap. Massively.

    Enjoy your crisps.

  24. #24
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    Quote Originally Posted by sabang View Post
    They're not crisps though (well, maybe the Mccoys, dunno)- they're reconstituted potato & cornstarch snacks. I like salt n vinegar- but I do insist on an actual crisp, namely thinly sliced deep fried spud.

    And whats with the packaging- like those godawful things they sell kids in Thai 711's.
    The only real sensible post in this thread, as most will ignore the romantic notion that crisps/chippies should be real food...*sigh*

    Long gone, and a rarity that snack items will be anything but food.

    Sad, but reflective of how some cultures will find 90% of their food stuffs and diet.

  25. #25
    R.I.P

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    Quote Originally Posted by Rural Surin View Post
    Slap, you do need to get back home.

    That part of the world is beginning to slight your thought process.
    Not to mention it's keeping him broke. Slap forgets he needs to drown his lizzard at times. Instead, he has to take on Mrs. Thumb and her 4 daughters.

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