A middle-aged gentleman stood talking on an iPhone at the front of the pub. He was dressed in a smart pair of slacks, his shoes were polished, and the shirt he wore was a tasteful shade of grey - subtle, yet elegant. However, he also had two black eyes, his forearms were peppered with tattoos that looked like they'd been administered by a fucking donkey with irritable bowels, and his vocabulary seemed to be limited to the words 'fucking' and 'kunt'.
Using these variables I was quickly able to conclude that our friend here would presently be stood before a court telling the judge about how he'd been dropped on his head as a child, and after five minutes of feigning remorse, let back out into society where he would immediately resume his role of a worthless, putrid, six-foot skidmark.
Welcome to Wetherspoons where it is commonplace to stumble upon the dregs of planet Earth congregating around betting slips and cheap pints of ale paid for by the fucking state. Of course, they wouldn't dare venture from their free housing without their daily Jeremy Kyle fix, watched on a television licensed with tax payers cash, powered by electricity courtesy of folk in the daily grind, smoking cigarettes, tailor-made cigarettes, no need to scrimp, paid for by the likes of yours truly.
These people need to be rounded up into a football stadium and gassed.
But saying that, although they are undeniably bottom-feeding riff raff, they do appear to be boxing clever. With this, I decided infiltration should occur post haste.
First thing's first, call into work sick. I had to assume the mindset of my subject matter here to come up with an authentic excuse:
"I CAN'T BE FUCKED TO WORK YOU KUNT"
Perfect!
Next, it's 9.20am which only means one thing to our work shy contingent - Jeremy Kyle. I watched with interest as Jeremy chastised a disabled heroin addict with learning difficulties before playing host to a 13-year-old mother of 17 bastard offspring.
Great. Although that made me feel somewhat nauseous, I hadn't lost my appetite.
To Wetherspoons!
A comprehensive range of financially viable lager and ale was on offer. But don't feel limited by the special offers - money is no object. Buy what the fuck you want and laugh while your doing it.
Because time isn't at all of the essence, you can spend a couple of hours over breakfast.
I located a booth in the far reaches of the pub and ordered the largest breakfast on offer; and to make sure that this was a bona fide scum-of-the-earth experience, I dined to the backdrop of a massive pair of tits..
I might do this again tomorrow. And the next day. And the next...