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  1. #1
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    The Tales of an HMP Wetherspoons Regular

    A middle-aged gentleman stood talking on an iPhone at the front of the pub. He was dressed in a smart pair of slacks, his shoes were polished, and the shirt he wore was a tasteful shade of grey - subtle, yet elegant. However, he also had two black eyes, his forearms were peppered with tattoos that looked like they'd been administered by a fucking donkey with irritable bowels, and his vocabulary seemed to be limited to the words 'fucking' and 'kunt'.

    Using these variables I was quickly able to conclude that our friend here would presently be stood before a court telling the judge about how he'd been dropped on his head as a child, and after five minutes of feigning remorse, let back out into society where he would immediately resume his role of a worthless, putrid, six-foot skidmark.

    Welcome to Wetherspoons where it is commonplace to stumble upon the dregs of planet Earth congregating around betting slips and cheap pints of ale paid for by the fucking state. Of course, they wouldn't dare venture from their free housing without their daily Jeremy Kyle fix, watched on a television licensed with tax payers cash, powered by electricity courtesy of folk in the daily grind, smoking cigarettes, tailor-made cigarettes, no need to scrimp, paid for by the likes of yours truly.

    These people need to be rounded up into a football stadium and gassed.

    But saying that, although they are undeniably bottom-feeding riff raff, they do appear to be boxing clever. With this, I decided infiltration should occur post haste.

    First thing's first, call into work sick. I had to assume the mindset of my subject matter here to come up with an authentic excuse:

    "I CAN'T BE FUCKED TO WORK YOU KUNT"

    Perfect!

    Next, it's 9.20am which only means one thing to our work shy contingent - Jeremy Kyle. I watched with interest as Jeremy chastised a disabled heroin addict with learning difficulties before playing host to a 13-year-old mother of 17 bastard offspring.

    Great. Although that made me feel somewhat nauseous, I hadn't lost my appetite.

    To Wetherspoons!

    A comprehensive range of financially viable lager and ale was on offer. But don't feel limited by the special offers - money is no object. Buy what the fuck you want and laugh while your doing it.



    Because time isn't at all of the essence, you can spend a couple of hours over breakfast.

    I located a booth in the far reaches of the pub and ordered the largest breakfast on offer; and to make sure that this was a bona fide scum-of-the-earth experience, I dined to the backdrop of a massive pair of tits..



    I might do this again tomorrow. And the next day. And the next...
    Last edited by somtamslap; 29-07-2013 at 11:55 PM.

  2. #2
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    Albert Shagnastier's Avatar
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    ^Excellent prose.

  3. #3
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    The Wetherspoons' crew are a worthy write-up.

    And that breakfast...that breakfast was worth being really pikey for...

  4. #4
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    3:25 for a Guinness, are you having a larf!!! It's only about 5 pounds in Thailand, so pretty good value all said and done.

    I had a similar experience here today, I got up at 9:15 and went to the Golden Arches Restaurant for an egg and sausage mcmuffin set; about 3 pounds (144 baht, double sausage and egg...). Then I read a book, no tits, went home about 11am, exhausted and slept through the afternoon (only rarely spending time on LiveJasmin).

    That breakfast looks nice, I think I'll go to Oh My Cod for lunch tomorrow and have the full breakfast set... I won't be able to sleep tonight, thinking about it. I will be forced to have a Beer Laos with it too... It's gonna be a good day tomorrow.

    BTW, I had a lovely chat, online, with a women from a country (former Soviet bloc) that I never knew existed, and very interesting it was too; mostly about literature, Tale of Two Cities, etc. Chuvashia. Apparently, they have a very long and distinguished history of brewing beer (and tractors, so I had an immediate affiity).





    I think I'd rather be in Croydon (excluding the sarf London birds...).
    How do I post these pictures???

  5. #5
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bettyboo
    3:25 for a Guinness, are you having a larf!!!
    That's as cheap as you'll get anywhere!


    Quote Originally Posted by Bettyboo
    I had a similar experience here today, I got up at 9:15 and went to the Golden Arches Restaurant for an egg and sausage mcmuffin set; about 3 pounds (144 baht, double sausage and egg...). Then I read a book, no tits, went home about 11am, exhausted and slept through the afternoon (only rarely spending time on LiveJasmin)
    Are you retired on your Omani bucks or somet, Betsy?

  6. #6
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    "My mate got stabbed in that pub where they serve cheap booze all day.."

    "Witherspoon ?"

    "No with a knife"

    I'll get my coat

  7. #7
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    ^ good effort...

    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    Are you retired on your Omani bucks or somet, Betsy?
    Yes, I am. For another 2 weeks then back to work for another 10 months. The missus now has all my money (well, her father does...), so I'd better go back and earn some more; gotta pay orf the credit card she doesn't know about that I holiday on (might be able to spend 5 days in Kathmandu, as the Omanis have farked up my visa, and I have to leave for a week or so while the new one is processed).

    I'd like a Witherspoons afternoon; brings back memories, exactly as you state them: boothes, folks around with betting slips, cheap beer and food combo, older chaps who've worked for London Underground for 40 years and spend all day in the pub (not sure if they work nights or what...) all rather sad, but strangely satisfying.

  8. #8
    TD Fat Club VP Dillinger's Avatar
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    I stopped downloadin jeremy kyle when I found this great Thai based anonymous losers website, with the stars Bettyboo, Gravesend Dave, Poor Farang, Fluke, gaysexbyproxy, Smeg, Ant Wotsmynamebertson, Shrewed Punter, Eliminator and DJ Pat.

    Only kiddin fellas

  9. #9
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    Slap, I am mortified that you would step across the threshold of such named establishment.
    Hand in hand with Tescos these sons of satan have brought about the demise of many a British pub.
    Should you choose to return there and become their marketing agent on TD,
    A pox on you Sir!


    Came back to my post to add.
    Would you please express my sincere thanks to Mr Wetherspoon for hoovering up all the scumbag early drinkers.

  10. #10
    TD Fat Club VP Dillinger's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bower
    A pox on you Sir!
    Oh well, at least he won't look outta place around Withnall


  11. #11
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bower
    Would you please express my sincere thanks to Mr Wetherspoon for hoovering up all the scumbag early drinkers.
    I shan't be returning in the foreseeable future. Being fat is ok. Being an alcoholic is ok. But being a really fat alcoholic isn't ok. Throw regular Jeremy Kyle viewings into the mix and you have the best part of a pikey existence.


    Quote Originally Posted by Dillinger
    I stopped downloadin jeremy kyle when I found this great Thai based anonymous losers website, with the stars Bettyboo, Gravesend Dave, Poor Farang, Fluke, gaysexbyproxy, Smeg, Ant Wotsmynamebertson, Shrewed Punter, Eliminator and DJ Pat.
    I'd pay good cash for that lot on the Kyle show.

  12. #12
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    Once they finish that size breakfast they usually adjourn to the bog to have a massive dump leaving six inch skid marks and dog ends floating about in the shitter.....


    ...and nicking all the English mustard packets on the way out...

  13. #13
    Being chased by sloths DJ Pat's Avatar
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    One of the biggest abomnations I saw in London yesterday was the former Marquee Club music venue now a Wetherspoons pub called the Montague.

    With no music playing, just silence.

    Like all Wetherspoons pubs (they can't be arsed to pay the PRS costs to play music in public, hence the TVs on mute) they are like a funeral wake. More chance of hearing that tattooed dole sponging freak aggressively ask you if ''you want some?'' after his second pint though.

  14. #14
    Gohills flip-flops wearer
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    Quote Originally Posted by DJ Pat
    One of the biggest abomnations I saw in London yesterday was the former Marquee Club music venue now a Wetherspoons pub called the Montague.
    The first time i encountered a Wetherspoons it was a converted live music venue.
    Never set foot into one since.

    They can shove their breakfast and beer up their arses, in silence.

  15. #15
    Fuck it
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap View Post
    his vocabulary seemed to be limited to the words 'fucking' and 'kunt'.
    So you've met Gravesend Dave then

  16. #16
    I am in Jail

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    Quote Originally Posted by Satonic View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap View Post
    his vocabulary seemed to be limited to the words 'fucking' and 'kunt'.
    So you've met Gravesend Dave then


    Sadly not!

    Never been to a pub for breakfast and only rarely been to a boozer for a lunch time pint.

  17. #17
    Gohills flip-flops wearer
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gravesend Dave
    Never been to a pub for breakfast and only rarely been to a boozer for a lunch time pint.
    Ponce.

  18. #18
    TD Fat Club VP Dillinger's Avatar
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    Who needs lunchtime boozers, when you have Pattaya Boulevard and a 7/11 in close proximity

    Last edited by Dillinger; 30-07-2013 at 12:54 PM.

  19. #19
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dillinger
    Who needs lunchtime boozers, when you have Pattaya Boulevard and a 7/11 in close proximity
    The best way to drink. 7/11 and a comfy section of pavement.

    This wetherspoons lot are a posh bunch of pikeys, it has to be said.

  20. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by DJ Pat
    the former Marquee Club music venue now a Wetherspoons pub called the Montague.
    Its most famous period was from 1964 to 1988 at 90 Wardour Street in Soho, and it finally closed when at 105 Charing Cross Road in 1996,
    Marquee Club - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

    That's not good... Got up too late today for breakfast.

    Hope Mr Slaps is back to work and enjoying his Croydon lifestyle. When's he due back to pa's store in Issan?

  21. #21
    I am in Jail

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    Quote Originally Posted by Dillinger View Post
    Who needs lunchtime boozers, when you have Pattaya Boulevard and a 7/11 in close proximity

    Enjoying a lunch time pint during an eclipse,not many have done that!

  22. #22
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    Quote Originally Posted by DJ Pat View Post
    One of the biggest abomnations I saw in London yesterday was the former Marquee Club music venue now a Wetherspoons pub called the Montague.
    .
    That's just wrong

  23. #23
    I am in Jail

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    Stop complaining about the Marquee closing, if you all went there when it was open it wouldnt have closed

  24. #24
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    I went there on a weekly basis for 15 years when I lived in the UK...

    How's Mr Slaps today? Is he gonna start a movement to ban Witherspoons?

  25. #25
    I am in Jail

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    Quote Originally Posted by Bettyboo View Post
    I went there on a weekly basis for 15 years when I lived in the UK...
    Fair enough, you have earnt the right to complain

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