I left London in good weather on a southern railway train bound for Brighton. The journey was largely unremarkable save for a monstrous pair of breasts which bounced their way on to the carriage in East Croydon and alighted in Haywards Heath. Fleeting glimpses of the lesser-spotted Great British sunshine tend to throw the population into a panicked frenzy:
'Look, Fred! It's the fucking sun! I must, AND SHALL, expose great wads of flesh!'
This is fine when you're a slender filly with pert buttocks and substantial pair of breasts, but when you're a single mother of 12 with an acute cheeseburger addiction, you should perhaps err on the side of caution and STAY THE FUCK IN DOORS, YOU REPULSIVE KUNT!
Upon arrival I was greeted by mein host, our very own Bower, and after a cursory business discussion we decided to make haste to his watering hole in Brighton town centre and get completely shit-faced.
The Waggon and Horses, Brighton -
First things first. A big fat shot of Long Man's (fresh from the breweries of Sussex) whilst taking advantage of the Sunday selection of light bites - olives, cheese, samosas et al.
After a good five or so pints of ale it was time to bring out the heavy artillery.
This single malt was superb. After years of abusing my palate with chemical ridden intoxicants in old Siam, I found myself savouring each glorious sip as oppose to knocking it back in one disgusted gulp a la Lao Khao. I suppose the superior taste is reflected in the price though -
Shot of Lau Khao = 5 baht
Shot of Glenmorangie Margaux = 1,250 baht
We continued in a similar vein until it was surmised that a spot of lunch should be eaten so we could continue drinking without passing out and being sick on the floor.
Bower's pub has a comprehensive selection of burgers, and I tucked into this Stilton and Port affair with porcine ferocity.
Of course, the burger needed to be washed down with something. And what better than vodka. Blackwoods cucumber vodka to be more precise.
I think I concluded the evening with several pints of Budweiser and a couple of £100 shots of whiskey, but the details at this point are somewhat sketchy - and we slurred our farewells before I began the short walk to the train station.
I can't remember buying a ticket, finding the correct platform or actually boarding the train, but what I do remember is being shaken awake by an irked British Rail employee at the end of the fucking line.
Hence I found myself staggering around London Bridge exchanging pleasantries with tramps - which is always a sign that a good day's been had.