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  1. #1
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Coulsdon- Croydon commute crash: Slap stacks in south London

    It may sound something of a no-brainer, but the most prominent difference between the U.K and southeast Asia is the weather.

    The latter region is a raging basin of fire and brimstone. An area in which the heat and humidity are unrelenting to the point of causing large segments of the populace to become, for want of more politically correct terminology, absolutely fucking useless.

    The former, on the other hand, is snared under a blanket of indifferent drizzle. The grey skies and bitter northeasterly gusts which perpetually patter fastidiously trimmed privet hedges, make for a nation peppered with miserable old kunts.

    There lies the quandary. Does one plump to reside amidst the painstakingly useless or the desperately miserable?

    Either way, I'm currently taking advantage of the British climate in terms of increasing my fitness levels.

    I've now been here for the best part of two months and I can honestly say I've done more walking in the past eight weeks than I did in a decade spent in Thailand. I've also taken to cycling to work. A good 35 kilometre round trip, five days a week.

    Initially the biking hurt. It hurt to the point where I thought my thighs were on the brink of bursting into fucking flames. I even, at a lower ebb whilst traversing Col du Twat which sadistically loiters towards the middle of the ride, shed a couple of tears. And of course, being a rather portly fellow, my underpants invariably end the journey saturated in much perspiration.

    So we've had the sweat and tears, now lets focus on the blood.

    Last week I was feeling fit. I was able to maintain an average speed of a good 20 mph, and the ascents which had previously caused me so much distress were effortlessly devoured. But it was on a stretch of road in south London between Coulsdon and Croydon where I came unstuck. Approaching a set of traffic lights at speed, I decided to bypass them in order to keep my momentum, and hop up onto the pavement.

    Terrible fucking move.

    The front wheel jammed into the curb and I was launched over the handlebars and onto the pavement, bike-less. Thankfully I was wearing a helmet because I just about landed on my fucking head whilst scraping both hands along the concrete.

    I stood up a bloody mess, causing one motorist to inquire, and I quote, "Fuck me, mate. You alright?"

    "Your concern is much appreciated, kind squire", I replied, "but it appears I am relatively unscathed - apart from this fucking hole in my hand....."



    Bradley Wiggins eat yer heart out....
    Last edited by somtamslap; 30-06-2013 at 10:26 PM.

  2. #2
    loob lor geezer
    Bangyai's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap View Post

    The front wheel jammed into the curb and I was launched over the handlebars and onto the pavement, bike-less.
    Been there and done exactly that although in my case I ended up in a stream. Bet you felt a bit silly. I know I did.

    Nice wank burns there ST by the way. Missing Thailand a lot we see

  3. #3
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bangyai
    Nice wank burns there ST by the way.
    Busted!
    Quote Originally Posted by Bangyai
    Bet you felt a bit silly.
    I was shocked more than anything. Felt like a bit of a wanker walking into work though.

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    Does one plump to reside amidst the painstakingly useless or the desperately miserable?
    If plump enough, I would opt for the former. If however putting food in belly is an issue, circumstances dictate the latter.

    Fair only to point out though, that hole in the hand would likely be a festering pustule in Isaan. I have one such hole in my ankle now, which started as something modest along the lines of an insect bite, but is currently an aggressively growing cankerous hole. Bollocks to it, I may have to throw in the towel and consult a local witchdoctor.
    probes Aliens

  5. #5
    loob lor geezer
    Bangyai's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap View Post

    I even, at a lower ebb whilst traversing Col du Twat which sadistically loiters towards the middle of the ride, shed a couple of tears.
    I used to deliver cigarettes to Coulsden Golf course a long time ago as a multi drop driver( worst job ever ) That is quite a long hill to go up if thats where you ride. Anyone would have a right to feel knackered peddling up there. Hats of to you if thats where you mean.

  6. #6
    R.I.P
    Mr Lick's Avatar
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    I feel your pain and embarrassment also, having suffered a similar fate although i wasn't wearing a helmet at the time and have a whopping scar over my eye to prove it. Concrete needs to become a wee bit more spongier

  7. #7
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by sabang
    that hole in the hand would likely be a festering pustule in Isaan.
    You're right. Those blasted maeng wee are a menace.


    Quote Originally Posted by Bangyai
    Hats of to you if thats where you mean.
    Over the bypass actually, bangers. It's only a slope....but it's a BASTARD!

  8. #8
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mr Lick
    Concrete needs to become a wee bit more spongier
    They bloody do, mate. I It's no fun taking a tumble when you aren't 7 years old anymore. I actually consider cycling an extreme sport.

  9. #9
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    I know that stretch quite well. You must be fucking mental to ride a bicycle on them roads.

  10. #10
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    "Your concern is much appreciated, kind squire", I replied, "but it appears I am relatively unscathed - apart from this fucking hole in my hand....."




    It's just a flesh wound

  • #11
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by flashbang
    You must be fucking mental to ride a bicycle on them roads.
    It isn't too bad. The route is about 80 percent cycle lanes.

    Here's the main reason for my topple. The transition from off-road tyres to slicks.


  • #12
    splendid and tremendous
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    ^^ Stiff upper lip, what what

  • #13
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    I hate to break it to you slap, but that is a 'female' bike. You know, for women, like.

  • #14
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    Slicks- eh what? Don't rate that idea mate, travelling roads and rain and stuff.

  • #15
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    ^^I'd beg to differ. I asked for the most hunky, masculine bike on the market. And clearly got one.

  • #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by sabang
    Slicks- eh what? Don't rate that idea mate, travelling roads and rain and stuff.
    You nigh on double the work-rate when riding on off-road tyres - feels like you're riding through syrup. The slicks (road tyes) are safe enough, just not ideal for hopping up curbs.

  • #17
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    Oh what you would give for the trusty Honda steed now eh?

  • #18
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by Necron99
    Oh what you would give for the trusty Honda steed now eh?
    Oh how I miss the beast. The Dominoes Pizza people use them. I'm considering stealing one or getting a second job..

  • #19
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    ^^I'd beg to differ. I asked for the most hunky, masculine bike on the market. And clearly got one.
    I do hope You wearing Spandex at the time?

  • #20
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    ^ Got to for those distances, lest you wish for your arse to be demolished...

  • #21
    ความสุขในอีสาน
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    Thats my old home town Slap, Coulsdon well Old Coulsdon to be precise ,, do you cycle up the Purley Way ?

  • #22
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    Go through Purley, Nige, then straight up to Croydon. All downhill on the way there, which makes coming home all the more painful.

  • #23
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    My Dad and his brothers used to own the Tudor Bakery in Old Coulsdon it was about the 3rd shop in on this parade of shops ,, I used to love getting in the back and eating all the doughnut jam that was splattered around




  • #24
    Being chased by sloths DJ Pat's Avatar
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    Years ago my wife brought one of those Big C mountain bikes over with her, yes, those cheap shit bikes. After using it for about 5 weeks riding round London about 4 miles a day, it literally fell apart.

  • #25
    loob lor geezer
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by sabang
    Slicks- eh what? Don't rate that idea mate, travelling roads and rain and stuff.
    You nigh on double the work-rate when riding on off-road tyres - feels like you're riding through syrup. The slicks (road tyes) are safe enough, just not ideal for hopping up curbs.
    This is true. On my bike in Thailand I managed to get some tyres that were slick wear rubber meets tarmac but had knobbly sidewalls. When well inflated pretty fast. For off road just let out a bit of air. Summat lik dis


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