When in Rome, as the proverb has it, do as the Romans do. I'm not quite certain, but I'd hazard an educated guess that the typical visitor to Italy's illustrious capital has little desire to embark on a 700 year hurricane of barbaric savagery. I'm sure the more unorthodox among us have tried it - but the word on la strada, although these are unfounded rumbles, is that the exposed offenders are swiftly shipped off to the Vatican where they are sentenced to a 20 minute audience with the Pope before being buggered to death with a 20 inch leopard-print dildo in the Cistine Chapel - punishment severe enough to discourage the most primitive of souls, I'm sure you'll concur...
However, I'm not in Rome - where I suppose one customarily conforms to the aforementioned adage by drinking pint upon pint of olive oil prior to belching a contented MAMMARA MIAAA - I am in fact in south London. So how exactly should one conduct oneself whilst wending amidst the English capital's suburbs?
Firstly, it appears very much en vogue to lackadaisically loiter on street corners openly smoking extremely potent marijuana.
This may have been an option when I was in my teens or early twenties, but nowadays I have no intention whatsoever to spend the lion's share of the day in a state of self-induced extreme spastication. No, as far as I'm concerned you can fuck right off - and stick your 'gunja' up your arse while you're doing it.
Secondly, and on a much more wholesome note, let's delve, if we may, into the culinary delights offered in the area.
Fried chicken? Available yes, but somewhat old hat.
Kebabs? Without question one of the finest foodstuffs available on the planet, but I fear, as a conversational point, they have been beaten dog-tied.
Indian? Again, almost unrivalled. In terms of Friday night post-drinking fodder there is little that can supersede the sensation of stumbling into a Balti house ablaze with sizzling dishes of south Asian cuisine. But again, this topic has been metaphorically fucked hard up the backside.
Caribbean? Strays from the beaten path to a degree, doesn't it...
Let's go ahead and try some.
Step 1: Locate a Caribbean restaurant..
Step 2: Peruse the menu...
Step 3: Opt for the goat curry...
Step 4: Savour the flavour..
SLAP WEH!