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  1. #1
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Slap goes to the seaside; extreme intoxication ensues

    I left London in good weather on a southern railway train bound for Brighton. The journey was largely unremarkable save for a monstrous pair of breasts which bounced their way on to the carriage in East Croydon and alighted in Haywards Heath. Fleeting glimpses of the lesser-spotted Great British sunshine tend to throw the population into a panicked frenzy:

    'Look, Fred! It's the fucking sun! I must, AND SHALL, expose great wads of flesh!'

    This is fine when you're a slender filly with pert buttocks and substantial pair of breasts, but when you're a single mother of 12 with an acute cheeseburger addiction, you should perhaps err on the side of caution and STAY THE FUCK IN DOORS, YOU REPULSIVE KUNT!

    Upon arrival I was greeted by mein host, our very own Bower, and after a cursory business discussion we decided to make haste to his watering hole in Brighton town centre and get completely shit-faced.

    The Waggon and Horses, Brighton -



    First things first. A big fat shot of Long Man's (fresh from the breweries of Sussex) whilst taking advantage of the Sunday selection of light bites - olives, cheese, samosas et al.



    After a good five or so pints of ale it was time to bring out the heavy artillery.

    This single malt was superb. After years of abusing my palate with chemical ridden intoxicants in old Siam, I found myself savouring each glorious sip as oppose to knocking it back in one disgusted gulp a la Lao Khao. I suppose the superior taste is reflected in the price though -

    Shot of Lau Khao = 5 baht

    Shot of Glenmorangie Margaux = 1,250 baht



    We continued in a similar vein until it was surmised that a spot of lunch should be eaten so we could continue drinking without passing out and being sick on the floor.

    Bower's pub has a comprehensive selection of burgers, and I tucked into this Stilton and Port affair with porcine ferocity.



    Of course, the burger needed to be washed down with something. And what better than vodka. Blackwoods cucumber vodka to be more precise.



    I think I concluded the evening with several pints of Budweiser and a couple of 100 shots of whiskey, but the details at this point are somewhat sketchy - and we slurred our farewells before I began the short walk to the train station.

    I can't remember buying a ticket, finding the correct platform or actually boarding the train, but what I do remember is being shaken awake by an irked British Rail employee at the end of the fucking line.

    Hence I found myself staggering around London Bridge exchanging pleasantries with tramps - which is always a sign that a good day's been had.

  2. #2
    Thailand Expat
    pseudolus's Avatar
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    Alcoholics Anonymous (Great Britain) Ltd - Home

    Give it a go or try brewing your own potato gin.

  3. #3
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    ^Balls. It does one good to cut loose every now and then.

    That's the last big drink I'll be having for a while.

    Quote Originally Posted by pseudolus
    potato gin.
    Had some sloe gin a couple of weeks back which was quite pleasant.

  4. #4
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    aging one's Avatar
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    very well told. I would have puked and been gone before lunch.

  5. #5
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    sounds good, except for the prices.

  6. #6
    The Dentist English Noodles's Avatar
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    Looks like a heavy day.

  7. #7
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by aging one
    I would have puked and been gone before lunch.
    Ale sits in the stomach very nicely, AO. It isn't like the gaseous lagers so synonymous with puking in gutters..

    That single malt though! Really, really nice.

  8. #8
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    is that a spoon in the vodka?

  9. #9
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by English Noodles
    Looks like a heavy day.
    Yep. I feel like fucking shit now. I think I was still pissed when I wrote the thread and the hangover's just kicked in.


    Quote Originally Posted by barrylad66
    is that a spoon in the vodka?
    Indeed it is - for the ice.

  10. #10
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    Bower's Avatar
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    Great day Slap but i really dont feel very well. In fact i just turned down a bacon sandwich in favour of an alker seltzer

  11. #11
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bower
    i really dont feel very well
    Me neither. I feel like a pig's shat in my head.

  12. #12
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    Slappaslag, you must sniff to keep you marching, surely?

  13. #13
    The Dentist English Noodles's Avatar
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    ^^Nice Withnail quote.

  14. #14
    R.I.P.
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    aahhh.... Hove actually!! Next time you're heading down on the green trains alight at Balcombe or Haywards Heath and demand one of tuktuk scum to convey you to the Jolly Tanners at Staplefield. Tell the landlord that Bernard sent you. (nudge, nudge, wink, wink)

  15. #15
    TD Fat Club VP Dillinger's Avatar
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    Be careful drinking that alka seltzer after a sesh Bower.
    my dad ended up in a coma with a hangover remedy of Andrews liversalts and coke.

    no shirtlifters down there slap ? I thought the place was full of them? wasn't it gay pride weekend just?

  16. #16
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kurgen
    Slappaslag, you must sniff to keep you marching, surely?
    I passed out on the train. I tend to meander rather than march.


    Quote Originally Posted by English Noodles
    Nice Withnail quote.
    Indeed. I've got a bastard behind the eyes..

  17. #17
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by toslti
    Next time you're heading down on the green trains alight at Balcombe or Haywards Heath and demand one of tuktuk scum to convey you to the Jolly Tanners at Staplefield. Tell the landlord that Bernard sent you. (nudge, nudge, wink, wink)
    I certainly shall. Just have to wait for my brain to stop using a zimmer frame first. I went into the shop this morning and I literally couldn't speak. Just made loads of weird noises.
    Quote Originally Posted by Dillinger
    no shirtlifters down there slap ?
    There was a few mincing about, lisping up their orders.

  18. #18
    loob lor geezer
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    Thats a mean looking burger slap. Off to bed now salvitating and will be dreaming of fatty food all night.

  19. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    I found myself staggering around London Bridge exchanging pleasantries with tramps
    You liar, you've got antifreeze

  20. #20
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Albert Shagnastier
    You liar, you've got antifreeze
    You should never mix your drinks!


    Quote Originally Posted by Bangyai
    Thats a mean looking burger slap.
    Was very nice mate. My first decent burger since being back.

    Check these new-fangled fags out:

    One click and you've got a menthol. England is so fucking, I don't know, 'developed'.


  21. #21
    Tonguin for a beer
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    And here's me thinking Slap was some kind of hoboesque alcoholic trapped in the grip of a Lao Khao addiction in Issan when he is living it up in Brighton drinking fine whiskey and eating gourmet burgers.

    I feel slightly ripped off, like when you find out a sporting hero is actually a dope fiend.
    Fahn Cahn's

  22. #22
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bung
    I feel slightly ripped off, like when you find out a sporting hero is actually a dope fiend.
    Slap. The Lance Armstrong of the Isaan farming community..

  23. #23
    I am in Jail

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    What, no photos of you drunk and getting done by the rozzers for diving off the pier??

    Call that a day in Brighton.

  24. #24
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    Slap, I'm gonna' make you feel homesick now...

    Your favourite apperitif.

    Ya dong!


  25. #25
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Aberlour
    and getting done by the rozzers for diving off the pier??
    Only caught a fleeting glimpse of the sea. Proximity's enough though. I'd seriously consider moving to the coast if I was to permanently relocate to the U.K.


    Quote Originally Posted by charleyboy
    Ya dong!
    I do miss it. And the shop. In a strange and twisted way.

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