Godfrey and I: An impromptu Somalian sabbatical

[somtamslap]

After six glorious weeks of silence, Godfrey resumed communications with me a few weeks back. I marvelled at the fact he was still alive. Christmas had been a rather messy affair, culiminating in the degenerate Godfrey goose stepping away from my premises sporting nothing but a heavily sullied pair of underpants and a five pound note balled into his fist. It was sleeting. "I'm going out!", proclaimed the garbling idiot, "And I may be some time."

And that was apparently that. Not a word one from the nomadic nitwit... until today.

I answered his call out of curiosity more than anything. Usually if you see "Godfrey" flash up on the screen you DO NOT ANSWER THAT SHIT, but as he'd been missing in action for the past month or two, I was interested in any tales he might have to regale.

Immediately, he launched into a frothing tirade, barely able to speak through his excitement.
"Big Stan..!", he said. "In the pub... Holiday... Africa... plane tickets!"

After taking a moment to decipher Godfrey's skittish slurs, I was indeed able to deduce that he'd procured two tickets for an African safari, courtesy of his best mate, and fellow vagabond, Big Stan, who'd won them from a Slovakian gypsy in the Dog and Duck.

"Do you want to come?!" He urged, eager to make amends for his poor behaviour over the festive period.

Of course, I was loath to yield, but there was a real desparation in Godfrey's tone, and having booked the week off for a spot of r&r I decided that, yes, I would join Godders on this impromptu African odyssey.

We met at Gatwick. I had brought, and already consumed, my requisite quota of valium and xanax, and after a couple of Stellas at the bar, felt that boarding a plane was something that I was now able to do. Godfrey hustled through the waves of travellers towards me - his luggage, a plastic carrier bag and... no, just one plastic carrier bag. Yet, befuddled as I was, this barely registered and I followed Godfrey, who was in possession of the tickets, through departures and onto the plane where I promptly passed out.

What felt like seconds passed by before I heard the landing gear unfold from beneath us and felt the reassuring sensation of rubber hitting the runway... we had arrived.

Still somewhat comatose, I went through arrivals on autopilot and out into the airport car park where Godfrey had said our tour guide would be waiting.

The heat was arid - it stung, stirring me back into the land of the living.

'Welcome to Mogadishu' proclaimed a sign on the terminal.

"What the fuck?"

A wry smile from Godfrey.

"Don't worry!" he said. "Big Stan's people have put as on to the best tour agency in Somalia."




They arrived 20 minutes late in what I assumed was the company vehicle, and after an upfront figure had been established - 50 pounds each - escorted us to our hotel.

The hugely moronic Godfrey had booked us in for a week in a fucking Al-Shabaab stronghold.



"Christ, Godfrey! What the fuck were you thinking?"

"It's near the beach", he countered, "And therefore it is near lots and lots of bars and other assorted drinking establishments."

"Fucking bars? Other assorted drinking establishments? This is Somalia, Godfrey you dult! A muslim country! They don't drink here!

Ever seen a grown man mentally perish before your eyes?

Godfrey, THE TWAT, was mortified.

And now with the bell boy approaching us for his tip, Godfrey's angst, and my annoyance, both turned in to mortal fear.




Hustling from the hotel room we found the beach - the clean azure shades totally incongruous in this, the fucking war zone that Godfrey had blindly led us in to.



Still, while Godfrey's thoughts were on alcohol, and the hasty acquisition of it, my fear had abated a fraction and, because I hadn't eaten since the previous day, my thoughts turned to food, and the hasty consumption of it.

This halva, a starchy concoction flavoured with nutmeg, hit the spot...




The hunt for a hallowed bottle of booze continued. We happened upon this quaint little venue. Godfrey sprinted towards the doors - a salivating wreck of a man - only to be "fobbed off with faggot juice".



The search was still on...

[Necron99]

I think you should have given him more than 5 quid for a good underpants stuffing.....


Cheapskate

[thaimeme]

I think you should have given him more than 5 quid for a good underpants stuffing.....


Cheapskate

The lad should thankful for anything he can get.

[somtamslap]

The following morning, after Godfrey's first night sans alcohol for over two decades, I decided that we should breakfast on the seafood platter. After all, we were on the coast and it would be churlish not chow down on the ocean's offerings.

Baraba, a genial waiter from the hotel, scuttled over with our order. "Shark" he said, dumping the dead fish at our feet...

[Topper]

Bloody Mary's and a sharks penis omelette is a wonder way to start your day.

[kingwilly]

jaysus

good luck.

[somtamslap]

^ You might be suprised.

Nice article about the burgeoning Somalian tourism industry here

Somalia: does tourism stand a chance in Mogadishu? - Telegraph

[Topper]

I'm guessing that whole "Let's hijack an oil tanker!" role play for potential tourists would a winner.

[somtamslap]

^ Has potential. I'll get on to my man in the Mog.

[kingwilly]

Somewhere in an alternate forum, Godfrey has just posted a thread titled, Slaps and I.

I think I prefer Godfrey.

[somtamslap]

When your life's boring and you want to tell a story, sometimes it's best to pretend to go to Mogadishu with a fictional drunk. Sometimes.

[kingwilly]

I still prefer Godfrey.

[thaimeme]

When your life's boring and you want to tell a story, sometimes it's best to pretend to go to Mogadishu with a fictional drunk. Sometimes.

Need to work Por into your current material.

Poor lad, wasting away in darkest Isaan.

By the by, has he ever received his just do royalties from past references?

[somtamslap]

Need to work Por into your current material.

Por has apparently taken to going to the local shop and putting LK shots on my tab. I'm 7000 miles across the bastard globe and he's still hitting me up for currency.

Por you terrible bastard.

[kingwilly]

he aint stoopid.

[Silverback]

Where are the chips?

[patsycat]

Well i can see it as a tourist spot. I could visit without having to queue for a long time to get into the historical monuments, or whats left of them.

Just one question - are the beach boys cheap? It's just that i have a budget... and do they speak English. Scottish English. I and my friends on a Hen Week were thinking about it.

Cheaper than Magaluf. Or Gran Canaria. With a bit of danger thrown in. I'm sure she'll love it. It'll be the ultimate surprise for my friend.

Just think in years to come - she can say that she went to Africa for her Hen Week.

Bless her.

Will the Hyena Circus (look up the photos) of Nigeria be in town? Last week in June.

[Topper]

Just one question - are the beach boys cheap?

If anyone would know, it would be Slap.....