First up, the bard .The original Henry V:

Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more;
Or close the wall up with our English dead.
In peace there's nothing so becomes a man
As modest stillness and humility:
But when the blast of war blows in our ears,
Then imitate the action of the tiger;
Stiffen the sinews, summon up the blood,
Disguise fair nature with hard-favour'd rage;
Then lend the eye a terrible aspect;

Painfully plagiarised to fit Pattaya :

Once more unto the beach ,dear friends, once more ;
Or close the seawall up with our English dregs.
In a piece , there is nothing so helps a man come
As an immodest filly with big tits
But when a blasted whore blows in our ears
Then immitate the action of a monger
Stiffen up the sinews, pump up the blood
Disguise brewers droop with a semi hard on
that lends the one eyed monk a terrible aspect

Next we have Hamlet :

Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio, a fellow of infinite
jest, of most excellent fancy. He hath bore me on his back a
thousand times, and now how abhorr'd in my imagination it is!
My gorge rises at it.

plagiarised : The scene, holding up a pair of old knickers.

Alas , poor Nawty , I didn't know him ,a bloke of infinite jest,
though he hath bored me a thousand times.

More hamlet :


To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end



Resisting gatoeys version :

A he or not a he : that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler to mind if it has a muff
Or things of outrageous surgury
Or to take its arms in a half nelson
And by opposing send it to ' sleep '
No more , and by a sleep we mean flattened.


More contributions wanted from other poets.