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  1. #1
    たのむよ。
    The Gentleman Scamp's Avatar
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    Arrow Scampy jets to Samui 'boutique' style

    It was nice to fly to Samui again instead of spending 24hrs with stinky backpackers on train, coach, boat and songteaw - which I have to say is my least favorite expat word, 'song taew' - jesus, it's a pickup truck modified to carry humans - why the stupid name? Call it a pickup for chrissakes.

    Okay, the first thing you notice about Samui is that it is infested with human beings. They are all over the joint, mostly brown ones but many Western ones in all shapes and sizes with goatee beards, fat tummies, catalogue tattoos, bumbags, backpacks, boobs and Eurotrash accents - some of them have flown here also. I was sat next to a couple of quiet Jap tourists as we took off. I looked down at the shrinking daft shape of Savanapoom airport to keep my mind off the climb as the plane did that sinking thing, making me feel weightless and mentally urging the thing to lift, then it banked to one side until it did a U-Turn onto the flight path south - a needless excercise had the pilot simply taken off from the other end of the runway in the first place.

    The stewardesses on Bangkok Airways - (Asia's Boutique Airline) look like dolls and they are dolls only more plastic and fake than a doll. They serve you in a way that is obseqiously androidesque, they will register 'yes' or 'no' but anything beyond that goes over their head as they are too focused on keeping that insincere smile fixed, which must be pretty painful after a while - serves them right too, fuck 'em, i'd much rather be served by somebody who just did their job and didn't pretend to be on cloud 9 because they were working for an airbourne 'boutique'.

    Arriving in Samui used to be like landing in... Well actually I'm not quite done with Bangkok Airways yet, I mean - 'Asia's Boutique Airline' - what the fuck does that mean? I had an orange squash in a paper cup and a bagel with some kind of processed fish patty in it with some lettuce, oh - and a refreshing towel, yes... a 'refreshing towel' ..not a steamed flannel, no - a rectangular baby wipe in a sachet like what you get on a visa run coach... That is not the definition of boutique, the definition of boutique is: A small retail shop that specializes in gifts, fashionable clothes, accessories, or food. I don't expect salmon sashimi and a scalp massage, just a little bit of sincerity and a tomato juice.

    The truth is, they are just like any other low budget airline - the planes are reasonably new and the service is okay - and that's all there is to it, but I suppose that's how marketing works. Take HSBC for example, they must be so pleased with themselves with their ad campaign that it now adorns boarding tunnels all over the planet: identical pictures in a red square frame, the latest example being a picture of chillis, one saying 'pleasure', the other saying 'pain', and then a subtitle boasting that they, HSBC, acknowledges that everybody looks at things differently. Well doesn't that just deserve a standing ovation for cleverness and imagination, pretentious twats. How about letting us know their rate of interest instead of spending billions of dollars stating the obvious, how about a steamed flannel?

    Okay, lets move onto Samui - the new airport is just like the old one, it looks nice and has a straw hut feel to it. A couple of weeks before a plane skidded in heavy rain and face planted itself into the control tower, so I was on the look out for that and I soon saw it. Before the accident the control tower was not much to look at, a grey shed with some red and white check squares and a Sky dish on it. Now it looks truly pathetic, a concrete shed with some red and white check squares, a Sky dish on it and a big fuck off hole in it, wrapped in green scaffold netting. The twin prop ATR-72 with the crushed nose was nowhere to be seen... I wonder where it is.

    I don't see why we need ATR's or Douglases or a De Havillands anyway - why not just let Boeing and Airbus make all the planes, they virtually do anyway.

    The taxi counter staff at the airport are worse than the stewardesses in terms of pull-string doll speech - they go through a list of automated questions before you have the chance to answer any of them, each one smothered in assumption that you are a first time tourist to Thailand and all with that Colgate smile that looks painfully forced and adheres vacantly to the AOT training course. They all have their hair up in a bun with an orchid behind the ear, isn't that nice. Thailand is the land of smiles alright, and they milk it to death as if it wasn't a standard facial muscle movement of every living human but something they invented and have the monopoly on, I mean, why not call Thailand 'the land of roads and trees and stuff'? ...or how about, 'the land of people with knees and elbows'? or... 'the land of what most other countries in Asia have', it's like making movement the selling point of a car or wetness the sales pitch of water.

    Samui of course has it's own tagline, they call it 'Monkey Island' which I'm not going to disagree with for a second. I got in the minivan and went straight to my mate Noy's bar which is outside Lamai just down the road from an impressive rock formation that looks like a willy and a fanny and is the only bar on the soi, possibly the smallest and most charming bar on the island. It's always nice to come back to Samui and catch up with some of the lovely friends I have made here. I was very tired so I made the decision to have no more than three beers. I went to bed after eleven, or was it ten... One for each of my visits to this place over the past seven and a half years.

    I slept in my friends daughters lower bunk and I slept shite because there is plastic on the mattress, either it is brand new or Noy has known me too long, anyway the kids slept with her as her husband is away and she owes me a favour so yeah, I'm roughing it to justify the flight and now I feel as foggy as the weather.

    My youngest brother and his wife hired one of those tin box Suzuki Jeeps and we had a look around, stopped at a small beach for some Thai food which was okay, and stopped off at a place called Nikki Beach, which I can best describe as a replica of a Columbian drug lords back yard in Miami, the type of which you see toward the climax of action movies only the nice infinity pool was void of bitches and there were no AK47's in sight. Other than the staff and a couple of fat Scandanavian pooftas we were the only ones there and it was very nice despite the cloudy afternoon sky - it was like a five star resort but without any bungalows or rooms, and the only thing that spoiled it was the house music pumping out from hidden speakers which were all over the place. All the effort that the architect/designer had put into creating a blissful ambiance had been down the pan at the flick of a switch, fuck it I can't be arsed to write anymore, not if I'm not getting paid for it.
    "I'm an outsider by choice, but not truly. It's the unpleasantness of the system that keeps me out. I'd rather be in, in a good system. That's where my discontent comes from: being forced to choose to stay outside.
    My advice: Just keep movin' straight ahead. Every now and then you find yourself in a different place."

    George Carlin

  2. #2
    Thailand Expat jandajoy's Avatar
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    Write more.

  3. #3
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    klongmaster's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by The Gentleman Scamp
    My youngest brother and his wife hired one of those tin box Suzuki Jeeps and we had a look around
    aha...now it all begins to fit into place...

  4. #4
    たのむよ。
    The Gentleman Scamp's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by klongmaster View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by The Gentleman Scamp
    My youngest brother and his wife hired one of those tin box Suzuki Jeeps and we had a look around
    aha...now it all begins to fit into place...
    Elaborate please Klongy, I am puffy eyed.

  5. #5
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    Happyman's Avatar
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    keep it coming

    The flight sounds like an 'Upmarket" version of First Class on an Egyptair domestic flight. At least they didn't serve you with a can of beer a few degrees below boiling point !

  6. #6
    disturbance in the Turnip baldrick's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by The Gentleman Scamp
    'song taew' - jesus, it's a pickup truck modified to carry humans - why the stupid name?
    2 bench seats is the description , knob.


    Quote Originally Posted by The Gentleman Scamp
    as the plane did that sinking thing, making me feel weightless and mentally urging the thing to lift
    when you retract the flaps you are changing the shape of the wings from low speed lift to high speed aerodynamic - hence you lose a bit of lift until the speed picks up.

  7. #7
    Thailand Expat
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    nice OP.

    could chapterize with appropriate headings for ease of reading!

  8. #8
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    Mr R Sole's Avatar
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    I was nearly killed by one of those bloody Suzuki jeeps....It was an Ozzie lad driving it at the time....on Samui...see some relevance

  9. #9
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    "I slept shite because there is plastic on the mattress, either it is brand new or Noy has known me too long"

    You been known to piss the bed mate?

    Good read though green on your way.

  10. #10
    How Dare You!!
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    Quote Originally Posted by The Gentleman Scamp
    'Asia's Boutique Airline' - what the fuck does that mean?
    In my experience the word boutique is a euphemism for substandard, over-priced ostentation. From hotels to airlines, it is an announcement about how some product or service wishes to be perceived. It is not saying 'you are special' it is saying 'we are special'.

    Avoid.

    Quote Originally Posted by The Gentleman Scamp
    the new airport is just like the old one
    It was a funny open-air place when I was there. I was stewing out in the afternoon heat so spent 45 minutes 'browsing' in the microsopic air conditioned book shop. The smiling counter girl seemed oddly happy with the arrangement.

    Good post scampy.

    Sorry out of greens.

  11. #11
    My kind of town
    chitown's Avatar
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    How 'bout a video. I was exhausted after the 2nd paragraph!!

  12. #12
    I am in Jail

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    Who paid for the flight?

  13. #13
    Thailand Expat
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    "then it banked to one side until it did a U-Turn onto the flight path south - a needless excercise had the pilot simply taken off from the other end of the runway in the first place"

    like the pilot had a choice.

  14. #14
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    A real nice read. First saw Chaweng and Lamai 30 years ago. Had to get to Chaweng sitting on crushed ice in the back of the delivery truck. Lived and worked there for 2 years, 21 years ago. Went back 5 years ago. Shattered would not be apt enough to describe what I saw and felt. Most of the locals I knew had gone. Moved back to Surat mostly in Amphur Kanchanadit. There is some connection between that amphur and Samui.

    keep it going it puts things into a nice perspective.

  15. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by MeMock View Post
    "then it banked to one side until it did a U-Turn onto the flight path south - a needless excercise had the pilot simply taken off from the other end of the runway in the first place"

    like the pilot had a choice.
    Depends on the wind.

  16. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by Travelmate
    Who paid for the flight?
    Quote Originally Posted by The Gentleman Scamp
    My youngest brother
    read the OP and you'll find all the answers...

  17. #17
    Thailand Expat
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    Who reads everything that scampy writes?

  18. #18
    たのむよ。
    The Gentleman Scamp's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by klongmaster View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Travelmate
    Who paid for the flight?
    Quote Originally Posted by The Gentleman Scamp
    My youngest brother
    read the OP and you'll find all the answers...
    Who cares how I got here?

    What the hell, my late grandma paid for it - first time I've had a dip in since March, I only earn enough for day to day living because I'm an unfocused lazy cock, easily distracted by internet forums, well.. just this one, and socializing - that's why I live in a bedsit in Nonthaburi.

  19. #19
    Not an expat
    Fabian's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by The Gentleman Scamp View Post
    Arriving in Samui used to be like landing in... Well actually I'm not quite done with Bangkok Airways yet, I mean - 'Asia's Boutique Airline' - what the fuck does that mean? I had an orange squash in a paper cup and a bagel with some kind of processed fish patty in it with some lettuce, oh - and a refreshing towel, yes... a 'refreshing towel' ..not a steamed flannel, no - a rectangular baby wipe in a sachet like what you get on a visa run coach... That is not the definition of boutique, the definition of boutique is: A small retail shop that specializes in gifts, fashionable clothes, accessories, or food. I don't expect salmon sashimi and a scalp massage, just a little bit of sincerity and a tomato juice.

    The truth is, they are just like any other low budget airline - the planes are reasonably new and the service is okay - and that's all there is to it, but I suppose that's how marketing works.
    Compared to what you get on other domestic flights this is boutique. And why did you have the idea it would be a low budget airline? Au contraire.

  20. #20
    Thailand Expat
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    Quote Originally Posted by Marmite the Dog View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by MeMock View Post
    "then it banked to one side until it did a U-Turn onto the flight path south - a needless excercise had the pilot simply taken off from the other end of the runway in the first place"

    like the pilot had a choice.
    Depends on the wind.
    At a major airport like that as far as I was aware they pilots get told what runway and which direction to take off from.

  21. #21
    DaffyDuck
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    Quote Originally Posted by The Gentleman Scamp View Post
    Well actually I'm not quite done with Bangkok Airways yet, I mean - 'Asia's Boutique Airline' - what the fuck does that mean?
    You'd probably be a better writer if you actually knew what the big words you critique *REALLY* mean - though that might mean having to educate yourself, I guess. It started with your complete misunderstanding of what 'boutique' means, continues with your total lack of comprehension of the HSBC advertising campaign -- and that's about where I stopped reading.

    If your goal was to make yourself appear like an uneducated cretin, then you have succeeded; if your goal was to appeal to an audience of uneducated cretins, then you probably made some fans -- though I suspect that more readers who are smart enough to read would feel the same way.

    You may be allowed attitude if you have intelligence and education to back it up - otherwise, you just waste everyone's time.

    By the way:

    bou-tique (dictionary.com):

    1. a small shop or a small specialty department within a larger store, esp. one that sells fashionable clothes and accessories or a special selection of other merchandise.
    2. any small, exclusive business offering customized service: Our advertising is handled by a new Madison Avenue boutique.
    3. Informal. a small business, department, etc., specializing in one aspect of a larger industry: one of Wall Street's leading research boutiques.
    –adjective
    4. of, designating, or characteristic of a small, exclusive producer or business: one of California's best boutique wineries.

    Boutique (wikipedia)

    Boutique - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

    of relevance: "A boutique, from the French word for "shop," is a small shopping outlet, especially one that specializes in elite and fashionable items such as clothing and jewellery."

    and

    "Although some boutiques specialise in hand-made items and other truly one-of-a-kind items, others simply produce t-shirts, stickers, and other fashion accessories in artificially small runs and sell them at unusually high prices."

    Nowhere, anywhere, is 'boutique' implied to be 'low budget' - it refers to specialized merchandise.

    This was the result of 30 seconds with Google.com -- of course, *I* know about Google.com, though sadly so do 99% of the rest of the world on here. You appear to be the sole straggler in the class.

  22. #22
    I am in Jail
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    The savant has gone mainstream (eye dab).

  23. #23
    Thailand Expat jandajoy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by majid
    You may be allowed attitude if you have intelligence and education to back it up

    WOT ?....................................

  24. #24
    I am in Jail
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    i didnt say that...

  25. #25
    Thailand Expat
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    Quote Originally Posted by The Gentleman Scamp
    jesus, it's a pickup truck modified to carry humans -
    yes, modified by two rows of seats, hence the name

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