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  1. #1
    Being chased by sloths DJ Pat's Avatar
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    Take the Thaiophile test : LEVEL 2

    Level 1 was just a starter to warm us up a little, and do believe some of you may need to undergo further scrutinisation to decide whether or not you are that dreaded creature residing in Thaland : The Thaiophile.

    Horrified? Let's get things under way with another 15 questions:

    1. You see several teenage Thai girls in a group on the skytrain wearing T-shirts that are clearly sporting offensive slogans in the english language such as "No money No Honey", "First time virgin", "Fuck off I don't swallow", as well as a crappy Sex Pistols "Fuck off wankers" design. The girls are clearly unaware of the true meaning of their shirts.

    Your initial thoughts are:

    a) What sweet Thai innocence, if only they knew!
    b) Goes to show what a great education their parents had, were there no resident english teachers in Thailand in the 70s or 80s?
    c) Maybe they are rebellious girls, rebelling against the uppity echelons of Thai society. Tut tut eh!

    2. You take a 15 Baht motorbke taxi ride from your condo to the main road. When you arrive you hand the driver 100 Baht. You are already late and are in a hurry as you woke up late due to a hangover, but the driver has no change. There are no shops around and he keeps laughing at the situation which makes your blood boil.

    What's the next move?

    a) Laugh along with him, pointing at yourself and repeating in awful wooden Thai "Pom bpai mai dai ha ha ha"
    b) Go to the nearest retail establishment for some change and call ahead to the senoir teacher, telling them you'll be late
    c) Walk away without paying the man, showing your displeasure, cos after all the customer is always right

    3. At a supermarket checkout you realise your watch has stopped and you are running behind your normal tight shedule, the checkout girl is very slow getting your shopping together and dealing with your cash and change. You gather your bags and wait for your change. The cashier counts your 646.50 Baht change not once, twice but four times, with the fourth being where she uses her fingernails to additionally 'scrape' the notes separate so she doesn't over-change you.

    Do you:

    a) Stand there politely smiling knowing that she's one of them many 'perfectionist' Thais who like to do things correctly
    b) Get agitated at this cash cultured society nation, snatch your change and barge your way out
    c) Rally Government house to encourage a change in the Thai way of doing things as it annoys you and thousands of other farangs

    4. An aquaintance whom you met on the plane here also coming to TEFL announces to you that he's moving on to Korea because he bitterly hates Thailand after nine months. He never ate much Thai food, only pad thai or khao pat gai, he only hung out in expat pubs, paid whores for his 'fix' and didn't learn any of the language.

    What's his main excuse for moving on?

    a) It's the Thai people, they are all "fuckwits" or "dicks"
    b) The girls all cheated on me, and the pollution pisses me off
    c) I need a better challenge in a civilised world, Thailand is nothing like the UK

    5. At an internet cafe you are typing up your 'final will and testament' on MS Word. After two hours slogging away a power cut blacks the place out momentarily, wiping out five pages of giveaways to your family and friends, that you weren't able to save. To cover this fuck up, the really camp, gay cashier bursts into fits of laughter. However, you don't find it in the least bit funny as you've now forgotten who gets your box of accurately archived (by date) "Teaching Weekly" magazines that would be worth a fortune on E-Bay.

    What do you tell the giggling gay **** as you're clenching your right fist?

    a) I've just lost some very important work but mai pen rai, I understand that you needed to plug in the electric frying pan so you could warm up your food, because food is of paramount importance to anything else. This-is-Thailand!!
    b) I'm going to fist you, so bend over with the KY please
    c) Who wants my antique brass collection of Newcastle United trophies anyway? Fuck it, I'll leave everything to...what was her name again? Lek? Oh yeah...

    6. After a hard slog of a day toiling in Bangkok, your peaceful trip home on the Subway is interuppted by a middle class Thai couple who are convinced that it's amusing to try and hang their 3 year old fat daughter from the hand straps above much to her disapproval and screaming. The father persists, thinking that it's funny to all the other passengers ,who typically offer only sheepish Thai smiles of acceptance to the situaion, which is annoying you. A lot. The father then hangs his daughter upside down as she squeals in excitement and is now enjoying the attention. The couple seem to think that even with such cramped conditions, it is comical to allow their child complete run of the carriage, despite other passengers having to move around to accomadate the little bastard.

    So what can you do?

    a) Join in, getting the kids attention and pat your chest proudly, saying "Pom farang bah nid noy, hahaha, loo jack farang bah che mai? Then when she's baffled enough, say "Poot len" and escort her back to her parents, saying to them "Have you no consideration?"
    b) At the next station, seize the kid, run off and create a hostage situation, then wait for Harrison Ford to, once again, single handedly save the day without any weapons
    c) Simply change trains or hide behind The Nation / Bangkok Post

    7. At Jomtiem beach you settle down with your suntan lotion and Chang beer and proceed to read 'Bangkok Hilton', a book about one of Thailand's top hotels in Khao San Road. After getting past the prologue, you are asked if you want an ice cream by a Walls Ice cream vendor carrying a polystyrene box. You buy a cornetto and read on. After a paragraph, a man approaches carring a stick with ten grilled prawns on it "Special for you you mister, Thai prawns" You decline politely. After another two paragraphs you are offered a set of earrings by a man carrying a big board of them. Once again you decline. After two hours and three paragraphs into chapter one, you give up and go home.

    What should be done about this?

    a) Create a welfare state, resulting in government fuelled alcoholism
    b) A task force of soi dogs could be trained to sniff out peasants that ply beaches selling crap to farangs
    c) Buy what they want you to buy, then they'll get rich and have no need to continue in such employment for much longer

    8. As you leave the beach you hail a Baht bus to take you to the Royal Garden Plaza. Upon arrival, he says "You falang 80 Baht" in full earshot of a group of other double parked songthaew drivers who swarm around you.

    How do you get out of this one?

    a) Gesticulate wildly, pointing to the sign that says '10 Baht' and flatly refuse to pay, crying "Thailand is in my heart" as you beg for mercy while they beat you senseless in broad daylight
    b) Well, I get a far larger salary than these locals so why not, hey I'll even tip him 20 Baht, thus further funding dark influences
    c) Call a Tourist Police Volunteer over only to find he has no skill at the situation at all, as he is from a medical background (albeit on a very small scale) in New Zealand.

    9. At Siam Paragon Tata Young is doing a signing session for her once again re-issued "fourth special edition" of her album " I believe" and hordes of teenagers are screaming for her to make her entrance up the red carpet outside. As she takes to the stage to mime along once again to "dhoom dhoom" you hear some Thais talking about how she is a great influence to Thai teenagers. You guffaw and think to yourself:

    a) What a sad state of affairs this really is, when will she finally fuck off?
    b) She's encouraging bed hopping amongst Thai girls..Hmmmm more for me...(while you lick your lips)
    c) Well good luck to her, she's got this country by the balls

    10. A soi dog is slumped across the busy pavement near Asoke, and if it moved, then pedestrian traffic would move along at double the speed. But the locals just ignore it and beggars children poke it playfully with a stick and it offers a twitch of its nose. Tourists are tut-tutting, and you overhear the words "This could never happen in the Uk" from a northen English tourist.

    Should soi dogs be surgically removed from Bangkok?

    a) NO, they are part of the culture like temples, food, silk, TEFL-ing and smiling
    b) YES, let's bring this country up to the modern day
    c) YES, the Government should dump them at sea when they are not looking

    11. A beggar enhances their 'plight' as she sees you approaching. She is set up with a naked baby lying on a piece of newspaper partially blocking the pavement and once again, passage is difficult as many tourists are striding past proudly satisfed that 'this' doesn't happen in their home country.

    What's the ideal soluion to this?

    a) As it was I, the farang, who created the decline in morals in Thailand, I feel I should give 20 Baht
    b) Arrest the Indian mafia for exploitation and deport them back to India
    c) Send the Indians back to India, forget about the beggars

    12. A Thai girl is in the internet cafe sending a 'sick buffalo' email to her 'boyfriend' in Doncaster, and you can see other many desperate webcam faces in her MSN Chat windows. You manage to clock an email address and memorise it because it's an easy one to remember, ie pattayatel@mail.com, or bigwillydave@sexpat.net and then a moral wave comes all over you.

    Maybe you think that you should:

    a) Mail these guys and let them in on the fact that they are about to become regular customers at their local Western Union Money transfer with no return on their 'investment', only the eventual tone of a dead mobile phone a week before their big arrival back in paradise
    b) No, let them be fools and fuel the TEFL industry sales people with more bodies to try and blag a course to
    c) Give the girl a knowing wink and say playully "Love you long time che mai"

    13. You have the privilege of being invited (not directly) to the opening of a very high class Italian seafood restaurant in Thong Lor. Upon inspection of your wardrobe however, you realise that you'll have no choice but to be the 'token TEFL-er' at this event due to your dress sense. Overcome by a sense of class division, you decide to spruce yourself up and buy a new set of dapper attire that you hope will propel you to a higher status.

    What's your budget for this spree (new shirt, trousers and shoes) and where would you shop for them?

    a) 5,000 Baht and a trip to Robinsons / Central
    b) 1,000 Baht and a soujorn into the bowels of Pratunam market
    c) 28,000 Baht and a day spent at several outlets of Gaysorn Plaza being pampered
    or d) You decline the invitation and get plastered at home instead, thus saving the money of a makeover.

    14. An overweight Australian lady at your place of work accuses you of setting awful standards for younger teachers by continuing to mix teaching with whoring, creating a stereotype that all male teachers are really in Thailand for the prostitutes and alcohol, not the culture, temples, 7-11, and plastic bottle collectors.

    Has she got a valid point?

    a) Yes, but if the west wasn't so different these days then maybe I'd consider going back there, but western women? forget it!
    b) No because I'm here working in I.T., so I surely don't need to go whoring as I'm better than any english teacher. Teach english? Huh!
    c) Yes. I'll make amends, attend alcoholics anonymous and avoid Soi Cowboy and Pattaya altogether

    15. Whilst window shopping in Future Park Rangsit, you accidentally bump into a hi-so girl who is standing still in at the top of an escalator talking into the headset of her mobile phone. She is so engrossed in her conversation that whilst listening to her rolling her R's a hefty but polite backlog of people has gathered who want access to the escalator. She fails to notice this and you take it upon yourself to barge her out of the way. A few minutes later you are accosted by a hi-so guy in his mid twenties wearing thick rimmed specs and partly peroxided hair who accuses you in an American twanged accent that you "ought to aparlar-gaise"

    What goes through your mind?

    a) Woah this is confrontational, this Thai guy has been abroad obviously
    b) I wanna slap this guy. He's got a minute to get outta my face
    c) He's got a point, it's his country and I should say sorry

    BUT then this possible scenario can unfold:

    i) You say sorry and you hear him say "farang fucker" under his breath, do you accept that?

    a) Yes you have to
    b) No you get him in a nelson hold til he apologises
    c) You have a conversation with him about his unacceptable racism

    ii) And what if you slap the guy?

    a) He gets you shot by his Media tycoon father's cronies
    b) He gets his Media tycoon father to organise for a ten wheeled truck to crush your car
    c) He sees the error of is ways and becomes a new person

    I'd like to think it's a bit trickier than the first test. Let me know what you think.
    Last edited by DJ Pat; 22-05-2006 at 09:33 PM.

  2. #2
    Thailand Expat

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    Pat

    I came across a website a while back that you could put answers into a questionnare like this and have it setup there.

    One of those fancy ones with buttons, you could make it look all professional.

    Search under my username and something like "are you a"

    I can't remember what it was now.

  3. #3
    Thailand Expat

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  4. #4
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    mildly entertaining pat

    BTW how did u score ?

    and u missed the questions about

    How do you react when the secruity at your local hotel get shitty and refuse to get hail you and your friends a taxi (when they should do that as it's their job because ur hiso and they're are not) just because they were jealous of u for bringing back scores of hot young whores masquarding as uni students to your appartment everynite ?

    1 . play really loud music everynite to piss off the whole neighbourhood so everyone will realise wot dickheads and loso kunts the secuirty really are

    2. pay a motorcyc taxi mafia money to give them a good beating like the dogs that they are for not realising they should be a lot more respectful of some of your calibre

    3. leave thailand because you reaslise in a moment of inspiration that being luk krueng from overseas means you are only farang anyway not matter how hard you try otherwise and its their country not yours

    4. moan and fuss about it on an internet forum filled with stupid TEFL'r sexpats - which you are clearly better than anyway

  5. #5
    Thailand Expat
    Skulldigger's Avatar
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    All personal experience, DJPat?

  6. #6
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    hmmm, too difficult for me

  7. #7
    Not a Mod.
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    An aquaintance whom you met on the plane here also coming to TEFL announces to you that he's moving on to Korea because he bitterly hates Thailand after nine months. He never ate much Thai food, only pad thai or khao pat gai, he only hung out in expat pubs, paid whores for his 'fix' and didn't learn any of the language.

    What's his main excuse for moving on?

    a) It's the Thai people, they are all "fuckwits"
    b) The girls all cheated on me, and the pollution pisses me off
    c) I need a better challenge in a civilised world, Thailand is nothing like the UK
    e) He's a useless dickhead who shouldn't be allowed out the UK.

    Pat you missed one option.

  8. #8
    disturbance in the Turnip baldrick's Avatar
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    1. You see several teenage Thai girls in a group on the skytrain wearing T-shirts that are clearly sporting offensive slogans in the english language such as "No money No Honey", "First time virgin", "Fuck off I don't swallow", as well as a crappy Sex Pistols "Fuck off wankers" design. The girls are clearly unaware of the true meaning of their shirts.

    Your initial thoughts are:

    a) What sweet Thai innoence, if only they knew!
    b) Goes to show what a great education their parents had, were there no resident english teachers in Thailand in the 70s or 80s?
    c) Maybe they are rebellious girls, rebelling against the uppity echelons of Thai society. Tut tut eh!
    d) It crosses your mind that maybe they are on their way to mr dj's place , or maybe he has shagged them all already.


    and then I could be fcuked reading the rest of the diatribe

  9. #9
    Being chased by sloths DJ Pat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Skulldigger
    All personal experience, DJPat?
    Some of it, yes.

  10. #10
    RDN
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    I want to know when "TEFL" became a verb, as in "...whom you met on the plane here also coming to TEFL..." ?

    Also, spelling mistakes :

    english >> English
    shedule >> schedule
    aquaintance >> acquaintance
    accomadate >> accommodate

    Ah well, mai bpen rai, TIT, not bad for a TEFL-er.

  11. #11
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    DJ pat, don't you get disharetened wrtitng these long OP's only to have a few replies mostly off topic when you could just as easily writen a thread about "whats my fav tinned fruit" and gotten more replies. Whats the motivation

  12. #12
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    yes but he repeats the same email on about 3 different websites.

    I saw on the otter channel the 2nd reply was from GOD - who saw it and said IT WAS GOOD! so all the other posters replied in the same vien

    funny how on the teacher channel - they all laugh politley at this OP - I guess to deny it too loudly woudl be a little obvious wouldnt it!

    whereas over here - different.....

  13. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by kingwillyhggtb
    yes but he repeats the same email on about 3 different websites.

    I saw on the otter channel the 2nd reply was from GOD - who saw it and said IT WAS GOOD! so all the other posters replied in the same vien

    funny how on the teacher channel - they all laugh politley at this OP - I guess to deny it too loudly woudl be a little obvious wouldnt it!

    whereas over here - different.....
    I'm always puzzled by this criticism.

    So what if it's repeated on two or three otter sites?

    Using that argument as criticism is perhaps the most bangkrupt point of them all.

    IMO it's like saying "I can't find fukall else wrong with your post so I'll roll out the old 'multiple site posting' whine"

    As for why it's received differently here?
    Too many people on this site love to pull people down.

    Fact is most of Pat's and Smeg's detractors would be hard pressed to start a quality thread themselves whilst delighting in trashing the forementioned posters thread with glee!

  14. #14
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    i disagree - i find it disappointing when exploring other sites - that a poster has posted exactly the same thing on each one!

    each site is different - has different audiences and a different feel !

    choose your audience

    i dont see it as a bankrupt arguement at all.

    i think i actually said nice post to the part 1. which it was - expect it got a little tedious with the whole TEFL'r looser wheelbarrow that he and smeg keep pushing! I think letting his agenda take over the post (WHICH WAS A FANTASTIC AND FUNNY IDEA) actually detracted from his OP

    and i told him so.

    i dont think i randomly attack DJ Pat ( ok maybe i sometimes wind up smeg a little)

  15. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by kingwillyhggtb
    i disagree - i find it disappointing when exploring other sites - that a poster has posted exactly the same thing on each one!

    each site is different - has different audiences and a different feel !

    choose your audience

    i dont see it as a bankrupt arguement at all.
    How many sites cover similar topics all over the net. News, sport, sex, lesbians, more sex.
    Each site does have different membership and why should some of these members, who don't shop here, not have the enjoyment, as it may be, to read a thread from TD?

    If someone was to start a thread on Aussie rules here in Bangkok on Teakdoor would you berate them if it popped up on ajarn?
    No, mate, you wouldn't!

  16. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by Poolie
    "How many sites cover similar topics all over the net. News, sport, sex, lesbians, more sex. "
    and i find that boring also

    Quote Originally Posted by Poolie
    "Each site does have different membership and why should some of these members, who don't shop here, not have the enjoyment, as it may be, to read a thread from TD?"
    so write to the audience

    Quote Originally Posted by Poolie
    "If someone was to start a thread on Aussie rules here in Bangkok on Teakdoor would you berate them if it popped up on ajarn?
    No, mate, you wouldn't!"
    well they havent - but if Wally were to cut and paste the same articles on his cricket thread on several channels I would complaign.

    however, i think you've missed the substance of what i was saying....

    i thought it was a good idea - well written - but his agenda dragged it down a little ?

    Do you agree or disagree with that ? do others agree or disagree?

    Quote Originally Posted by Poolie
    "Fact is most of Pat's and Smeg's detractors would be hard pressed to start a quality thread themselves ..."
    well looking at my dinner the other night Post - I have to agree 1000% here with you ! i'm quite embarrased i posted that!

  17. #17
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    I'm not sure about the agenda thing.

    I just see it a pisstaking! Which I encourage heartily.

    Also I don't think you could write differently for the majority of Thailand's forums, perhaps 'Bangerstonite' and the sexpat forums in Pattaya but in general the membership is all quite similar.



    Now onto something slightly more disturbing....has anyone installed the latest Firefox plugins for BBcode?

    Now I can't cut'n'paste or paste piccys!!
    WTF is going on?

  18. #18

    R.I.P.


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    Same here, fire fox is fokked.

  19. #19
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    I've gone back, technologically speaking, about 20 years!

    I use a pen and copy onto paper then 'paste' it into the right place.

    Foking ridiculous...........but I won't go back to IE.

  20. #20
    lom
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    Using BBCode or BBCodExtra plugin ?

  21. #21
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    I think it might be the 'extra' option.

  22. #22
    disturbance in the Turnip baldrick's Avatar
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    pat ,

    was this you who posted this ?
    http://www.thaivisa.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=70036

  23. #23
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    funny post that !

    but the OP was given a slap .... read this

    Quote Originally Posted by Jai Dee

    Although there aren't any specifics in ThaiVisa's rules about this kind of posting, I don't think it's appropriate for us farangs to negatively criticize our gracious hosts... even if it's phrased in an attempt at humour.

    One of our Rules refers to "useless criticism"... which this clearly is.

    /Closed.


    --------------------

    Taoism: shit happens
    Buddhism: if shit happens, it isn't really shit
    Islam: if shit happens, it is the will of Allah
    Catholicism: if shit happens, you deserve it
    Judaism: why does this shit always happen to us?
    Atheism: I don't believe this shit
    I've never had much of an opinion of TV either way......

    but that is OTT !

    and what about his sig - surely that is also "useless criticism"... of religions

    better close/ban/suspend yourself Mai Mee Jai Dee

  24. #24
    I am in Jail
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    Well the first 'questionaire' was funny, but now it gets tedious.
    I am not a Tefl teacher, nor do I fit any of the other scenarios.

    Instead of enjoying the free time you have between your fortnightly evening gig as a DJ, you seem rather obsessed with teachers and other creatures, Pat?

  25. #25
    I am in Jail
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    Quote Originally Posted by kingwillyhggtb
    ...
    I've never had much of an opinion of TV either way......

    but that is OTT !

    and what about his sig - surely that is also "useless criticism"... of religions

    better close/ban/suspend yourself Mai Mee Jai Dee
    Jai Kee and others have become a bit twitchy since they can't post porn in the secret TV "underground"-forum any more.

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