Thread: Take the Thaiophile test here

Many folks here are senselessly branded a Thaiophile with no real grounds other than that they have decided to live in Thailand. Some do fall into the criteria of being what is referred to as a Thaiophile, others don't, so take the test:

1. You have just impressed the boss of XXXX language institute at your job interview. You have been waxing lyrical of your love and passion for teaching english and have told him of your fictional days teaching to tribal kids in Africa and being a volunteer teacher at a bomb damaged college in Kosovo. At the end of the interview the interviewer asks you "You have Thai girlfriend?"

Your immediate thought is:

a) After all my spiel, he still thinks I'm a whoremonger, bless him, this is Thailand!
b) Fucking ignorant Thai ****, and storm out to the nearest expat pub to moan about it
c) You tell him you are homosexual

2. At a depatment store, you need a packet of curtain hooks and are told by a thick-as-pig-shit member of staff that they are seven floors up on the top floor and he is "suuurree" about it 100%. You arrive at the hardware department and can't find them after ten minutes of frantic searching. Rather annoyed, you storm over to the counter and manage to get the point accross to the assistant who didn't understand a word you said. The assistant bursts out laughing to cover their lack of skill and says "No have"

Whats your reaction?

a) You laugh along with him and point to yourself saying "Farang bah hehe"
b) You punch them in the face, getting yourself arrested and deported from paradise
c) You turn around and try Home Pro instead, thanking them for being a great help

3. While leaving Pattaya bus station you are accosted by a tout who shows you a small picture of six knackered out bargirls lined up in front of a drinks bar. He says to you "You want wergen girl?"

You say:

a) "Wow! Beautiful! Ok let's go!"
b) "Go fuck yourself" and get yourself a team-handed kicking
c) "No thanks"

4. On the skytrain you overhear two executive farangs in suits bragging about what they did in Nana Plaza the night before.

Do you think to yourself smugly:

a) I can get that free by hanging around at kicking out time
b) I did that seven years ago when the girls were all real virgins
c) Disgusting sex tourists, they should be banned from Thailand

5. When an old mate from home visits Thailand for a weeks whoring in Bangkok do you:

a) Freeload off him as he's on a real salary and he's on holiday, and to him everyting's cheap
b) Try to get him to eat street food "cos it tastes just as good and is dirt cheap"
c) Take him to a "Thai's only" whorehouse in Lat Phrao / Huay Kwang

6. You get a couple of private students in the wilderness that is Samrong Industrial Estate. On your way there every time you pass a construction site the bare-footed kids jump around shouting "falang falang hahaha" as you ride past.

Whats your thinking?

a) Well, this country has never been colonised so you can't blame the natives bless 'em
b) Fucking ignorant parents should teach their kids not to be racist
c) You stop and confiscate their football and throw it to some soi dogs

7. Every time you exit our apartment block the securiy guard asks you "Hahaha Bpai gap poo-ying Thai che mai?, Bpai Patpong mai? ha ha ha"

What crosses your mind?

a) What a wonderful sense of humour, I think I will pass through Patpong for happy hour at that Irish pub then barfine a whore with the face of a bulldog eating a wasp
b) Doesn't that **** realise I'm not a tourist but I live here?
c) You tell him that his daughter propositioned you when she was hanging around on Saturday, and that she's skipping school to sleep with you

8. You are sitting in a guest house bar during happy hour in Banglampoo watching a pirated DVD of 'King Kong' on the TV screen when two backpackers ask you if they should "do some teaching to stay on a bit longer"

What do you tell them?

a) You explain the virtues of doing a six week course that will transform them into a couple of teachers
b) You tell them it's a complete no-no because it's your little world an you don't want anyone else invading it
c) You ignore them completely

9. You get a cushy number teaching a bunch of giggling nurses at Siriraj Hospital just over the river by Wang Lang Market. After class you try and walk with one of your young female students who is also heading for the pier but you find she is very reluctant to do so.

Why is she reluctant?

a) She's a virgin and never spoken to a male before (apart from her father)
b) She wouldn't be seen dead with a farang and you are a fat lecherous bastard
c) Her boyfriend is waiting round the corner

10. While out at Nana disco, you spot a sexy girl dancing really well to Beyonce's track "Crazy in Love" and decide that "she's mine" tonight and approach her. You ask what she does an she tells you she's a University student at Rhamkamhaeng University.

For you, this translates into:

a) She's a University sudent at Rhamkamhaeng University
b) She's a freelancing whore with a university uniform hanging up in her wardrobe
c) She's a dancer on her night off from the cheerleading team

11. You arrive in Pattaya and have found one room accomadation for 2,350 Baht per month along Soi Bua Khow. You have two weeks of "fun money" before you need to find employment. You are unskilled and stacked shelves at Safeways supemarket in your home city before you left.

Where would you start looking for a job first?

a) Place a cringeworthy ad in the Pattaya Mail classifieds saying that you are good at car mechanics
b) Re-locate to Bangkok to start off with and see whats there first
c) Apply for a job stacking shelves at Big C

12. You meet a "good" girl at a beer garden who says she is single but recieves repeated phone calls while you are out together. After the sixth call she recieves, you overhear her saying on her phone "I am single, yes, sure", and you get that gut feeling of hurt in your stomach.

What's the next plan of action?

a) Become one of her "gigs" and tell all your friends you have a non-bargirl girlfriend, letting them know at least three times a week of that fact
b) Tease her about hearing her saying that, enjoying her blatant denial when she uses the "brother" or "jus fend" routine
c) Arrange to go to Hua Hin together on a late bus and deliberately not turn up to meet her at the Southern Bus terminal at 11.30pm

13. After a hard slog teaching sixty 8 year old kids for over an hour and a half without aircon, one of the other teachers hasn't turned up for his double class with fifty six 7 year old kids and it's up to you to fill in his class, despite being up since 6am hungover

Do you:

a) Take it on with gusto because after all, it's more experience, an extra 340 Baht and a chance to educate the next generation of Thailand
b) Cry off with bad guts
c) Take the class and let them watch 'Notting Hill' without subtitles

14. Every day of the week you walk past the same pack of soi sogs and the same group of alcoholic motorcyle taxi drivers. On every occasion one of the drivers shouts from accross the road "You You" and then all his mates roar with laughter.

What goes through your mind as you smile and wave back?

a) I love this culture, everyone is so friendly!
b) Change the fucking record, it's boring now, low class ****s
c) What a display of racial interaction, isn't it great!

15. What attracted you to Thailand in the first place?

a) The challenge of teaching in an un-colonised Buddhist nation
b) The whores in Pattaya
c) The energy of Bangkok really blew me away

ANSWERS:
Mostly A's : You quite possibly are a Thaiophile
Mostly B's : Probably not really but have thought about the siuation
Mostly C's : The potential's there but you can't be arsed

Some B's and A's : You're halfway there