Is this the worst unsolicited job application ever?

[kingwilly]

I got this in my email today....

dear lords, gladly I further information would want if it is possible for your organisation work in Indonesia it seems me terrible accompany youth to better voetbalnivo, I play myself football as from my 5 e year up to years now 38 meanwhile up to and including 1st elftal therefore experience also on the highest amateur football also I 9 years at paid football organisation vitesse arnhem have played I have played also enough have I already experience as a coach at the 1st elftal.het seem me terrible omdaar work and my woman is also still Indonesian


greatings from Netherlands

any better? post yours.

[slimboyfat]

Dear Kingwilly

I want to be a teacher in Indonesia because you get a driver and a maid.
My written and spoken English is average. Am I overqualified? If so I can txt talk whenever the need arises.

Love, SBF

[slimboyfat]

PS I have a ridiculous beard.

[kingwilly]

PS I have a ridiculous beard.

What's that got to do with anything?

the above was a real application, not made up shite by myself...

[Texpat]

Was the posting to be an engrish teecher or a football player?

[baldrick]

^ I think he wants to be KW's barber

[kingwilly]

I assume football coach, since I am on the committee for the local football league...

[slimboyfat]

PS I have a ridiculous beard.

What's that got to do with anything?

the above was a real application, not made up shite by myself...

sorry i thought having ridiculous facial hair was a pre-requisite for your line of work.

anyway you asked me to post mine so I did

[Bluecat]

I got quite a few, from farangs and Asians who want to stay in Thailand.
And some pretty smart ones actually.
I mean education/job smart, not really for the reason they want to stay in Thailand...

[Spin]

I think babelfish is responsible for the terrible English, either that or he's an ozzie

[nedwalk]

^ more like a pissed ozzie, i,ll try and read it again when i,ve had a few and decode for ya,s

[smeden]

i promise i dident aply for any jobs yours truely

[kingwilly]

i promise i dident aply for any jobs yours truely

no worries bro, i think your english is better than his anyway

[smeden]

i promise i dident aply for any jobs yours truely

no worries bro, i think your english is better than his anyway

thanks

[Bobcock]

I assume football coach, since I am on the committee for the local football league...

Your fucking Australian.....what on earth do you lot know about football????

He played professional football for Vitesse Arnhem, and his missus is dutch. Knowing how Dutch people usually perform in English, he's classic proof that footballers are not so bright.

[kingwilly]

.. Your fucking Australian.....what on earth do you lot know .......????

enough to know that it should be spelled 'You're' since it is a contraction of 'you are'

[ozman]

Your fucking Australian.....what on earth do you lot know about football????

Well...... we beat England last time we played them

[NickA]

what on earth do you lot know about football????

enough to know that it should be spelled 'You're' since it is a contraction of 'you are'

If that's all you know about football, no wonder you are shite

[buriramboy]

This is an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner
submitted to B&Q in Tunbridge Wells, UK.

Apparently, they hired him on the spot.


NAME:

Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)

SEX:
Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION:
Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?

DESIRED SALARY:
£150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION:
Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY:
A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING:
It was a cr*p job.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.

PREFERRED HOURS:
1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?:
Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?:
On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big t*ts and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE?:
7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
Oh yes, absolutely.

[kingwilly]

This is an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner submitted to B&Q in Tunbridge Wells, UK.

yeah yeah, its been doing the email/fax rounds for 100's of years!

[Cujo]

I heard it was a teennage kid applying at Mcdonalds.

[extras]

^