Thread: If I Could Talk to the Taliban

Calling on all his experience of a five-minute photoopportunity with the troops in Helmand Province this week, a mere 60 miles from the frontline, the Prime Minister announced that he has a cunning plan for ending the war in Afghanistan.

As the headline put it: "BROWN: TALK TO THE TALIBAN."

Some of you may have realised already where I'm going with this.



I wonder whether Gordon is aware that there are 47 different languages spoken in Afghanistan.

So, with apologies to the great Leslie Bricusse - Laydeez and gennulmen, will you please welcome Gordon Brown as Dr Dolittle with his version of If I Could Talk To The Taliban.

Imagine Rex Harrison with chewed fingernails and a Scottish accent.

If I could talk to the Taliban, just
imagine it,
Chatting with the chaps
in Pakistan,
I could be rapping with
Al Qaeda,
And all the foreign fighters,
In the Tora Bora, east
Afghanistan.

If I could talk to the Taliban
in Arabic,
Or the dialect of
deepest Kazakhstan,
Try a phrase or two of Farsi,
A word of Gujarati,
I'm sure that I could make
them understand.

We could converse in Ashkun
or Tajiki,
Learn a little of the lingo
of Pashto,
If people ask me: "Can you
speak Turkmenistan?"
I'd say: "Of course I can,
can't you?"

If I could meet Mullah Omar
in Jalalabad,
Try a little Brown diplomacy
If I could reason with
the Taliban,
Reach out to the Taliban,
Plead and get down on my knees
to the Taliban,
And hope they don't
behead me!

If I could speak man-to-man to
Sheikh bin Laden,
In the distant mountains of the
Hindu Kush.
Or maybe somewhere nearer,
A live debate on al-Jazeera,
I'd promise that I wouldn't tell
George Bush.

If I spoke the native tongue of
Pashtun tribesmen,
I could guarantee that I would
end this war.
Give a massive grant
to Helmand,
Well, it always works in Scotland,
I'd even let them have
Sharia Law.

If I consulted with Algerians
and Chechens, In a safe house in east Uzbekistan.
"Where's Osama?" I could ask,
"Is he up the Khyber Pass?"
They'd say: "No, infidel, he's
in Londonistan."

If I could parlay with jihadis
in Pershawi,
And negotiate with
the Yemenis,
If I could talk to the Taliban,
Give asylum to the Taliban,
Mobile phones, council homes,
long-term loans
To the Taliban,
Then they would vote for me!

Very good!

They could also use the services of a good barber.

Very funny. Where's Milkman to wheel 'round and dismiss the dum troops for not settling in, kibuttzing with and learning the local language?