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  1. #1
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    If I Could Talk to the Taliban

    Calling on all his experience of a five-minute photoopportunity with the troops in Helmand Province this week, a mere 60 miles from the frontline, the Prime Minister announced that he has a cunning plan for ending the war in Afghanistan.

    As the headline put it: "BROWN: TALK TO THE TALIBAN."

    Some of you may have realised already where I'm going with this.



    I wonder whether Gordon is aware that there are 47 different languages spoken in Afghanistan.

    So, with apologies to the great Leslie Bricusse - Laydeez and gennulmen, will you please welcome Gordon Brown as Dr Dolittle with his version of If I Could Talk To The Taliban.

    Imagine Rex Harrison with chewed fingernails and a Scottish accent.

    If I could talk to the Taliban, just
    imagine it,
    Chatting with the chaps
    in Pakistan,
    I could be rapping with
    Al Qaeda,
    And all the foreign fighters,
    In the Tora Bora, east
    Afghanistan.

    If I could talk to the Taliban
    in Arabic,
    Or the dialect of
    deepest Kazakhstan,
    Try a phrase or two of Farsi,
    A word of Gujarati,
    I'm sure that I could make
    them understand.

    We could converse in Ashkun
    or Tajiki,
    Learn a little of the lingo
    of Pashto,
    If people ask me: "Can you
    speak Turkmenistan?"
    I'd say: "Of course I can,
    can't you?"

    If I could meet Mullah Omar
    in Jalalabad,
    Try a little Brown diplomacy
    If I could reason with
    the Taliban,
    Reach out to the Taliban,
    Plead and get down on my knees
    to the Taliban,
    And hope they don't
    behead me!

    If I could speak man-to-man to
    Sheikh bin Laden,
    In the distant mountains of the
    Hindu Kush.
    Or maybe somewhere nearer,
    A live debate on al-Jazeera,
    I'd promise that I wouldn't tell
    George Bush.

    If I spoke the native tongue of
    Pashtun tribesmen,
    I could guarantee that I would
    end this war.
    Give a massive grant
    to Helmand,
    Well, it always works in Scotland,
    I'd even let them have
    Sharia Law.

    If I consulted with Algerians
    and Chechens, In a safe house in east Uzbekistan.
    "Where's Osama?" I could ask,
    "Is he up the Khyber Pass?"
    They'd say: "No, infidel, he's
    in Londonistan."

    If I could parlay with jihadis
    in Pershawi,
    And negotiate with
    the Yemenis,
    If I could talk to the Taliban,
    Give asylum to the Taliban,
    Mobile phones, council homes,
    long-term loans
    To the Taliban,
    Then they would vote for me!

  2. #2
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    Bruce's Avatar
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    Very good!

    They could also use the services of a good barber.

  3. #3
    Thailand Expat Texpat's Avatar
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    Very funny. Where's Milkman to wheel 'round and dismiss the dum troops for not settling in, kibuttzing with and learning the local language?

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