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  1. #1

    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Last Online
    20-10-2017 @ 05:14 AM
    The End

    If I Could Talk to the Taliban

    Calling on all his experience of a five-minute photoopportunity with the troops in Helmand Province this week, a mere 60 miles from the frontline, the Prime Minister announced that he has a cunning plan for ending the war in Afghanistan.

    As the headline put it: "BROWN: TALK TO THE TALIBAN."

    Some of you may have realised already where I'm going with this.

    I wonder whether Gordon is aware that there are 47 different languages spoken in Afghanistan.

    So, with apologies to the great Leslie Bricusse - Laydeez and gennulmen, will you please welcome Gordon Brown as Dr Dolittle with his version of If I Could Talk To The Taliban.

    Imagine Rex Harrison with chewed fingernails and a Scottish accent.

    If I could talk to the Taliban, just
    imagine it,
    Chatting with the chaps
    in Pakistan,
    I could be rapping with
    Al Qaeda,
    And all the foreign fighters,
    In the Tora Bora, east

    If I could talk to the Taliban
    in Arabic,
    Or the dialect of
    deepest Kazakhstan,
    Try a phrase or two of Farsi,
    A word of Gujarati,
    I'm sure that I could make
    them understand.

    We could converse in Ashkun
    or Tajiki,
    Learn a little of the lingo
    of Pashto,
    If people ask me: "Can you
    speak Turkmenistan?"
    I'd say: "Of course I can,
    can't you?"

    If I could meet Mullah Omar
    in Jalalabad,
    Try a little Brown diplomacy
    If I could reason with
    the Taliban,
    Reach out to the Taliban,
    Plead and get down on my knees
    to the Taliban,
    And hope they don't
    behead me!

    If I could speak man-to-man to
    Sheikh bin Laden,
    In the distant mountains of the
    Hindu Kush.
    Or maybe somewhere nearer,
    A live debate on al-Jazeera,
    I'd promise that I wouldn't tell
    George Bush.

    If I spoke the native tongue of
    Pashtun tribesmen,
    I could guarantee that I would
    end this war.
    Give a massive grant
    to Helmand,
    Well, it always works in Scotland,
    I'd even let them have
    Sharia Law.

    If I consulted with Algerians
    and Chechens, In a safe house in east Uzbekistan.
    "Where's Osama?" I could ask,
    "Is he up the Khyber Pass?"
    They'd say: "No, infidel, he's
    in Londonistan."

    If I could parlay with jihadis
    in Pershawi,
    And negotiate with
    the Yemenis,
    If I could talk to the Taliban,
    Give asylum to the Taliban,
    Mobile phones, council homes,
    long-term loans
    To the Taliban,
    Then they would vote for me!

  2. #2
    Bruce's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Last Online

    Very good!

    They could also use the services of a good barber.

  3. #3
    Thailand Expat Texpat's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Last Online
    In your head
    Very funny. Where's Milkman to wheel 'round and dismiss the dum troops for not settling in, kibuttzing with and learning the local language?

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