Thread: "I Am An Old Fart Now"

From BBC News Website:


A social club in Devon has banned a 77-year-old man from breaking wind while indoors.


Maurice Fox received a letter from Kirkham Street Sports and Social Club in Paignton asking him to consider his actions, which "disgusted" members.

Mr Fox, a club regular for 20 years, said:
"I am happy to oblige them, there is no problem. I do get a bit windy - I am an old fart now."

He said he had to leave the club about three times a night.

In its letter to the retired bus driver, the club said: "After several complaints regarding your continual breaking of wind (farting) while in the club, would you please consider that your actions are considered disgusting to fellow members and visitors.

"You sit close to the front door, so would you please go outside when required. So please take heed of this request."

I am a loud farter, but there is no smell - Maurice Fox

Mr Fox, who lives in nearby Princess Street, said the letter was a surprise because he had been given no verbal warning.

"I think someone has complained about the noise.
"I do not think it [the letter] is unreasonable, you get ladies in there."

Mr Fox also spends two days a week at the nearby Palace Place club, but said he had no complaints about flatulence there.

The club said there was no one available for comment

A few rounds of GasX will help his cause, I'm sure...

I feel sorry for people who don't think farts are funny.

I'd have a pint with him any day

I am disgusted at this man's liberty being trampled upon , sure the UK is not a free country as there is no such thing but farts go back into history as far back as William the Conqueror in 1066 when he got off his boat to invade England he ripped off a wet one and said, "good arse I thought you were dead" which highly amused his troops and lifted moral enough to beat Harold's army.

Retired bus driver Maurice said yesterday: "I was surprised - but I know they can be a bit loud at times. If I've got time and I know they are coming, I pop into the porch inside the door. At my age I cannot be rushed because I'm not that steady on my feet. I've had a fall and my hips are not in a very good shape."
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George Shepherd, 75, secretary of the Kirkham Street Social Club in Paignton, Devon, said: "We've had so many complaints over Maurice deliberately lifting himself up off the seat and letting fly.

"The last straw came when he fired off as three ladies came through the front door for a darts match. They were disgusted. We had to act."

Maurice, who has been going to the club for 20 years, insists he has been getting to grips with the problem - by changing his drink.

He said: "I'm off the cider and on the Bass. There is no smell at all since I gave up the cider."

And if the wind fails to die down Maurice knows what to do - head off to the nearby Palace Place club.

He said: "The Palace is men only while Kirkham has ladies as well. I can let go when I like at the Palace. It's more relaxed - and so am I."

In 1982 I worked in the Nat West bank in Paignton.

I'm sure some researcher has gotten hundreds of thousands of dollars of research money to do research to prove that the smell of farts worsen as a person gets older. I'd bet that younger people let out louder farts than older people. The older people have looser... and that takes the snap out of them. Then of course there is 'linger time' to consider.


I fear the future as the world turns more grey. The farts will be worse and then there is the 'old smell' Well, it they ban smoking maybe they should consider other things too.

When I was a lad, the smell of my farts was a crap shoot (intended). Some farts would peel the paint off walls, others would be harmless. Like a box of chocolates, I never knew what to expect.

Now, in middle age, all my farts seem to smell the same. Maybe my diet of chicken, rice, vegetables, fewer milk products and far less sugar has something to do with it. Lots more beer now, though.

As for volume, I believe you're right. I could wake the dead with a rip-snorter when I was a teen. My muscles were firmer and I could hold'em in better while the pressure mounted. Now it's all I can do to make my wife hear one roar when I'm upstairs listening to Led Zeppelin and she's downstairs vacuuming.

^try kegel exercises, flexing and relaxing your anal sphincter. Then that will improve the pitch of your farts, taking it from a B flat to an F sharp.

Start with say 100 a day, then try to take it up to 1,000. Do it while you`re online

A public secret amongst the people who practice one kind or other of Martial Art is that the uncomfortable and embarrassing feeling of a fart coming up (down) occurs more often in the dojo that outside of it.

When the feeling is there it tends to seriously disrupt the unification of mind and body.

There are two ways that can happen. One is that you feel it coming and try to prevent it from erupting so hard that you can't concentrate on anything else, specifically the sensei or the partner you work with. This attempt to not fart will fail, as we all know. You see, after a while the second way for a fart to distort the unification of mind and body will reveal itself and that is the fart itself coming out. This always takes place when delivering a kick, punch, or during another sudden movement. This is only prevented by sitting down and not moving until very silently the methane has slipped out. But people will wonder, and then know, so the effect will be the same as farting aloud. As said before, during a motion of the body the gas will erupt in a disorderly manner, causing you to focus on the entire dojo focusing on you.

This situation is best dealt with by turning it into a learning experience. The trick is to completely ignore the fart and the effects it has on the people around you. Let the world be the world without affecting your inner peace. The ability to ignore farts is in fact one step further on the long road of unification of mind and body. The person who is able to disarm and eliminate a dangerous opponent and at the same time fart without wincing a muscle is surely a master.

The Air Force PT test is not difficult, but its a mandatory annual run/sit-ups/push-ups event. About five or six years ago my unit was lined up for sit-ups. Roughly 12 guys ready to be tested, another 12 guys holding the feet and counting good sit-ups by their partner. The test was as-many-as-you-can" in two minutes.

The timer said go, and Sergeant Hamilton ripped the loudest fart I've ever heard as he hefted his torso toward his bent knees. Hammy was a giant of a man whose fondness for beer was legendary.

One. (all the counters were laughing and looking at Hamilton)

As Hammy fell back and began his second sit-up, another thunderous explosion ripped through the crisp morning air.

Two. (FFS someone shouted, nearly everyone was laughing at this point)

You know what's coming ... On his third sit-up, Hamilton blasted yet another temblor and nearly everyone fell out.

The test was re-started 15 minutes later after Hammy visited the restroom. Damn that was funny, childish, but funny.

Kids love 'em, I can rip off a loud one and my girls are in stitches, strangely my wife does't share in the amusement.
I think Thais have a different sense of humour, in the way that the German one is quite different from normal people.

Originally Posted by peterpan

strangely my wife does't share in the amusement

I always feel that farting loudly and proudly with your special girl marks the beginning of a genuine relationship. Before you have shared your first explosion with her she is just a bonking aquaintance. Once you have shared the gift of the gas she is your girlfriend.

Doesn't really matter whether she is amused, disgusted or indifferent but it is interesting to guess which way it will go and then find out.

I have told my wife that it is a cultural thing and that we must both try to appreciate each others culture.
Farting is a deep down sign of contentment and I only fart because I love her.

Its worked so far

My mate done one of those farts where you lye on your back and chonk out a blue flame by lightening it up.

Fok mateys, He cranked a ripper and burnt all the hair of his ball bag.

Foking pissed my undies laughin.

Originally Posted by Thetyim

I have told my wife that it is a cultural thing and that we must both try to appreciate each others culture.
Farting is a deep down sign of contentment and I only fart because I love her.

Its worked so far

Were you ever a used car salesman ? Top marks for the cultural BS !!!!!

If you pull down your pants and park your butt cheeks against the bathroom door (from the inside) and proceed to retort then the amplification effect (wooden door being the best) turns even the most innocuos puff into a monster in the adjoining room.

Ideal situation pertains to the studio flat ... particularly when the head of the bed has the pillow (and your partners head) only a mere inches from the door.

The decibal level of a forced parp in the middle of the night after a long night on optimal gassy beer will penetrate even the deepest sleep and cause shock, confusion and screaming followed by masked annoyance but more importantly much hilarity from within the bathroom (upon which the door can be locked if deemed necessary !)

I shall be trying that later today.
If I suddenly stop posting then just assume I have died of laughter

I'm a keen proponent of Flatulence, I enoy it and I have to say with all due modesty I am good.
But may Thai women don't share my love of a butt gas, before I met my wife I enjoyed many different bedmates, but the enjoyment of waking up with a new young loverly each morning was rather ruined by the fear of turning them off by letting a ripper go on awakening.

My wife farted in front of me before I farted in front of her.

Real classy dame.

In the interim 6 years, I've probably got her beat by about 7,000/1.