I Met a Glaswegian Flat Earther/Anti-Vaxxer/Absolute Fucking Lunatic Today. Offshore.

**dirk diggler** · 01-10-2019, 03:58 AM

It was 6am offshore, sitting in the locker room/tea shack 100km North-East of Aberdeen. Covies on, waiting for a permit, drinking a brew. With custard creams.

I Met a Glaswegian Flat Earther/Anti-Vaxxer/Absolute Fucking Lunatic Today. Offshore.-buzzard-jpg

We've had a few problems on this job and as my coworker slipped off to the shitter I was sitting contemplating that anything could happen today and I wouldn't even be surprised.

*Enter 'Yellow Submarine Flat Earther' stage right*

He came bounding in and slumped himself across from me and... FARTED. When I say farted, there was no longevity it. It was a massive BANG. Instant. Putrid. I remember thinking that his entire entrails could have escaped him within that nanosecond. I felt it through the floor and up through my bench and the stench hit me fast. As soon as I motioned to protest he shut me down and instantly began a rant...

So much happened that I'll try as best as I can to relive this.

He started with a rant about some guy in England who has decided that kids must have vaccines to go to school, or something like that, because they could not only be a danger to themselves but to other kids. Arguing that as long as the other kids are vaccinated they should have nothing to worry about. He had a moan about vaccines causing Autism and ADHD and such things. I thought ok, he has a point, he's entitled to his opinion, I can live with that. But it's a bit heavy for 6am so...

In walks a Geordie Bolter. He's got the tight trackie bottoms on and one of his little sister's tank tops, coat hanger still in and 2 rolls of carpets under his arms. Walking like he still has half of his steroid stash stuck up his bum. He gets some shit off some other lads for Newcastle getting pumped 5-0 the previous evening and takes a seat.

...So I turn the conversation to football. I joke that I can't say anything about that as my team also lost 5-0 at the weekend. We establish that my team is Aberdeen and he tells me he is from Parkhead, home to Celtic FC, but despises football. I have now established he is from Glasgow and agree that he resembles Billy Connolly to an extent.

I as what he's on the rig for and surprise surprise, he's a scaffolder.

Somehow we are talking about history. He informs me that it's all bollocks.

We talk about the pyramids. It's all bollocks. They made the slabs from concrete there and then. it was obvious.

I ask about Stonehenge. Simple. That was actually 50 years ago, they used scaffolding and cranes. He has been there, it was the most fantastic smell of urine he has ever smelt as it cost £5 to go there (£15 now) and you have to go under a tunnel and everyone stops to take a piss. 'A fantastic stench of pish and bleach. And by ra way one of the Stonehenge structures are actually plastic. They moved them, they are meant to be in a rectangle'.

Next he's telling me that the Vatican added 1,000 years to history. He's been to graveyards and there are no graves for a 1,000 year period. something about grave marking 'J 745'.

So we're on a bit of a roll of nonsense. This guy has wrists full of bangles and a ponytail beard full of beads and shit. I wonder if his hard hat is wrapped in tin foil.

I tell him I was told the other day that we have never put men in space. I was told that, by my own mother, but she's a different story. He tells me we cannot put men in space because it doesn't exist. I ask him WTF and he says we can't get out of the dome. There is only the dome.

Holy fuck... a real, living, genuine flat earther right here and now. He tells us all about how and why the world is so obviously flat. We laugh. He just wont listen to anyone who tries to challenge it. The table is busy now. He accuses each and every one of us of being brain washed. Of being Space Men. Of being completely unhinged from common sense and reality.

He tells us the Holocaust didn't happen.

He denies evolution.

He was like nobody I had ever come across.

How is this man fit work offshore?

He goes off on deck. The lads tell us he is like this 24/7 and he has his own youtube channel. I looked him up just before writing this post and so far watched just one video.

Checks out this absolute rocket.

**David48atTD** · 01-10-2019, 04:05 AM

...

**Saint Willy** · 01-10-2019, 04:36 AM

Oh my lord, surely you can see evidence for the curvature of the earth every time you fly on and off a rig??

**HuangLao** · 01-10-2019, 05:22 AM

Engaging and well presented tale, Dirk...

Giving Slap a run for his money.

Cheers.

**fishlocker** · 01-10-2019, 05:26 AM

Is he plastered in that clip. I heard about 30 seconds of I don't know what. My gf would say it sounds like me at 3am after a bottle of king Robert and a twelve pack.

It sadly frightens me to think that there are folks like that out there, drop outs and ex-cons ect, on oil rigs, in sand pits and the like claiming to be Americans. Thus I see how the SEPPO acronym was formed. I give you credit for hanging in there doing a job most wouldn't care for with the likes of characters like that.
Last time I saw a guy hold up a scull and talk gibberish like that it was on the island of Vanuatu.

**AntRobertson** · 01-10-2019, 07:40 AM

Originally Posted by dirk diggler

Easily the best thing I'll watch today!

**Neverna** · 01-10-2019, 07:42 AM

What a nutter, and his kids are in the background laughing at him. Imagine having a father like that. Poor sods.

**AntRobertson** · 01-10-2019, 07:47 AM

*Picks up random object*

Get tae fuck!

**beerlaodrinker** · 01-10-2019, 07:57 AM

Would be a funny coont to have a few swallys with down the pub.

**beerlaodrinker** · 01-10-2019, 07:58 AM

At least hes not the rig safety officer dirk.

**BoganInParasite** · 01-10-2019, 08:05 AM

Well I'd like to meet him. It would likely be the first time in my life I knew for sure there was someone dumber than me in the room.

**Dillinger** · 01-10-2019, 08:16 AM

That's Jack Meoff on one of his 9am start benders

Fukkin Bampot

**OhOh** · 01-10-2019, 09:03 AM

Originally Posted by HuangLao

Giving Slap a run for his money.

In style but lacking the humour and jolliness of Issan life. Banged up with no remission seems more apt.

**thaiguzzi** · 01-10-2019, 09:35 AM

Now THAT was funny.
Fucking brilliant!

**dirk diggler** · 01-10-2019, 11:32 AM

Originally Posted by Neverna

What a nutter, and his kids are in the background laughing at him. Imagine having a father like that. Poor sods.

He spoke about his kids. He home schools them and his eldest daughter is an English teacher in Thailand, previously China.

He home schooled his kids.

**Mendip** · 01-10-2019, 12:05 PM

^ A Glaswegian English teacher...

That's the most outrageous part yet!

**Seekingasylum** · 01-10-2019, 12:55 PM

That was dreadfully laboured and scarcely worthy of a second year contributing to some awful polytechnic's end of semester rag day show.

**bsnub** · 01-10-2019, 01:16 PM

Originally Posted by Dillinger

That's Jack Meoff on one of his 9am start benders

**kmart** · 01-10-2019, 01:17 PM

Encouraging that this man is still gainfully employed.

**dirk diggler** · 01-10-2019, 02:13 PM

Originally Posted by TheRealKW

Oh my lord, surely you can see evidence for the curvature of the earth every time you fly on and off a rig??

His argument is that water cannot stick to a round object. I asked him about gravity but it turns out gravity is just something that I've been forced to believe.

**dirk diggler** · 01-10-2019, 02:26 PM

Originally Posted by beerlaodrinker

Would be a funny coont to have a few swallys with down the pub.

Potentially yes, but unfortunately not. If he was prepared to debate, discuss or even argue about his beliefs there would be a lot of fun to be had but the instant you challenge him all you get is "GET TAE FUCK MAN" "YOU'RE NO EVEN FUCKIN LISTENIN" AND "YOU'RE FUCKIN BRAINWASHED YOU'RE A SPACE MAN GET TAE FUCK'.

We were both scheduled on the same chopper today which would have probably had us both at the train station and in the pub there, The Spider's Web, at the same time.

He got bumped onto the earlier chopper but we're all coming back out on Sunday.

**dirk diggler** · 01-10-2019, 02:39 PM

Originally Posted by Seekingasylum

That was dreadfully laboured and scarcely worthy of a second year contributing to some awful polytechnic's end of semester rag day show.

Try to lighten up a bit and not get hung up on my linguistic adroitness. We are the TD Scum not the Reader's Digest.

Enjoy it for what it is. A true story.

**dirk diggler** · 01-10-2019, 03:26 PM

Here's him all upset because he went to the river and somebody called him a tramp.

**dirk diggler** · 01-10-2019, 03:31 PM

"Water is some sort of majestic element that's secret is only known to itself"

**Hugh Cow** · 01-10-2019, 04:02 PM

Originally Posted by BoganInParasite

Well I'd like to meet him. It would likely be the first time in my life I knew for sure there was someone dumber than me in the room.

Converse with Cyrille on TD its cheaper, quicker and just as unfulfilling.

Originally Posted by kmart

Encouraging that this man is still gainfully employed.

Not really, look at the current swill in the British Parliament

Originally Posted by dirk diggler

His argument is that water cannot stick to a round object. I asked him about gravity but it turns out gravity is just something that I've been forced to believe.

Push him off the rig and tell him the water must be magnetic.

Thread: I Met a Glaswegian Flat Earther/Anti-Vaxxer/Absolute Fucking Lunatic Today. Offshore.

Thread Tools

Display

I Met a Glaswegian Flat Earther/Anti-Vaxxer/Absolute Fucking Lunatic Today. Offshore.

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

Posting Permissions